Stupid Boys

So I am still really excited to visit people this weekend in Saskatoon and party but I had a bit of a shocker this week. The guy that I have a bit of a crush on in Saskatoon, who I was and still am excited to see happens to be sleeping with his ex girlfriend. Ashley informed me this week because she didn't want me blind sided by it. Apparently when she found out Jasmine (Matt's ex) said that they were seeing each other again but Matt said they were just sleeping together (which really in my case isn't any better). So I'm not going to lie I was a little bummed. Thank god I met other people that one weekend I was there and according to Ash everyone in that group is really nice and fun so I shouldn't have anything to worry about. But I mean how can I be mad at him. I can understand guys have needs. And really I have only met him once and I do live 6 hours away. Still a shitty deal. Especially finding out the week before I am going to visit. I was going to go in early may but no one really had much time to see me then. Now things have changed. I'm curious if they are actually getting back together though, Ash says they are spending more time together again so I dunno. But yeah so thought I would share that random and stupid news. What else is new, bad luck with boys.

I hate stupid people

So it's been awhile but I haven't had much time to write and really I haven't had much to say. Life is dumb sometimes, that's about it. But I guess I have things to say now. So as you guys know, or hopefully you know because I sent you an email, I will not be going to the U of A next year. I received the letter that so gently informs me that I am rejected. Really I expected nothing less. I'm not even sure it really bothers me much because I wasn't expecting to get. I almost wonder what I would be doing now if I had gotten in last year. I would probably be finishing my degree in design to go into architecture. Now I'm still not sure what I'm doing. Anyways, it is most likely that I am going to be moving to Saskatoon. Thank god it is only 3 hours away from Edmonton just like Calgary so I can still come visit. I could stay here in Calgary and go to ACAD for glass but you guys know me, I'm too practical to be an artist!

Anyhow, in regards to my title, I hate people. The plan if I decided to go to Saskatoon and even if I didn't go and my sister did was for us to move in with Craig and Kathleen (Kelsey's best friend and boyfriends) but now it doesn't look like that is going to happen. Me and Kelsey are probably going to live together now actually in an apartment or Condo or something. The reason why I am mad though is because Craig is an idiot. Kelsey was the first one that wanted to go to Saskatoon for school. Then Kathleen thought it would be fun for her to move there and for them to live together because she wants to go into vet school anyways. Then they had the idea that Craig would move there too because he love's Kathleen and he is done school this year so he can work wherever. Anyways, sounding like a good idea Craig's parents were offering to buy a house and that we could all live in it and pay rent to them and whatever. It was a good idea until Craig's parents went crazy and Craig did nothing about it. First of all we don't even know if we are going for sure next year because we haven't been officially accepted yet. We were going to wait to find out to find a place. But apparently they were urgent to get a house so they were looking in April. Well this last week has been insane. Craig's parents put a down payment on a house they found. Only problem is it is outside of the city. We already live outside of the city here I don't want to move there and be in the same situation. I want to be able to walk to school or not have to drive everyday anyways. But they did this without asking because they thought it was the best price they were going to get and apparently didn't care what we thought. I don't want to live outside of the city and neither does Kelsey. What point does that serve. I drive enough as it is I don't need to move out there to do the same thing, especially with the crazy winter weather they get. So now Kelsey is really pissed because Craig and his parents didn't listen and she can no longer live with her best friend because we refuse to live in that house which apparently now they have officially bought. INSANE??? I think so. It's not even June for christ sake. They were saying they couldn't find anything nice that was a good price in the city. I'm like that's a load of crap. I have looked there are plenty of houses they could buy that are a good price. I wasn't expecting a 5 bedroom house or anything spectacular. Just a decent place to live. So I guess we are going to go in probably July to look for a place for me and Kelsey to share. I'm a little sad though because I kinda wanted to get a dog and if we got a house I probably could have got one, but now that we aren't a lot of places don't allow animals so it looks like I might have to wait a few years. Not that big of a deal but you know. Just extremely FRUSTRATING, all of it. So that is my bitter angry rant for the night. Hope you enjoyed. Hope you girls have a good weekend!

>>>!@#%%@$^

I didn't know what to put for a title so that's what it is. I'm not sure if you want to hear this or I should be saying it at all but I need to find myself a boy or figure shit out for myself. Sadly I get way to engrossed in my romance novels I almost become anti-social. They are my form of entertainment. And truthfully as I am absolutely positive that you will all understand. I would really like to hang out with a guy for myself instead. Haha. I'm pretty sure the obvious does not need to be stated here. I suppose the title kind of explains my frustrations. I'm almost desperate. I don't want to be, and I refuse to succumb to my craziness. See I'm not even making any sense. I'm going to go to sleep now and pretend that everything is normal... or as normal as it can be when I'm involved!

friends

Your right Leanne about making friends or who your friends are. I mean most people make their friends at school or at work or are friends of friends right. Well I have tried to make friends at school, and I have, but no one I'm really close to. I didn't hang out with very many people outside of school. And now I'm like who is even a 'real' friend. I dunno. Deanna is one of the only people I am really keeping in touch with. Jaan I don't know what to call him. And then work wise there are the people at the airport who I guess I call friends. But I haven't really hung out with them ever either. And from Linen's and Things I have made some good buddies and some of them are super awesome. Only problem most of them are still in high school and under age. Not as much fun. Therefore my friend resourses seem to be tapped out at the moment. Haha. I have to work on new ways to make friends..... hmmm.

...lonely

That's right guys, I'm feeling lonely again. It's worse now than ever because I can't even escape to school to see people. It's work and work only really. Fuck. I cannot live in this city with no friends. I will go crazy. I basically have no one. The only things I think about or have to look forward to lately are when I have plans with friends, plans to visit you guys or Ashley in Saskatoon and what I am doing for school next year and what I will need if I move out and such. It seems like I am constantly planning for the future because there is nothing to plan for now. Stupid. I am trying to make my school decision based on school but right now it is being highly influenced by my social situation. I can't live in this city for another 3 years with no friends. I would really become a glass obsessed art freak then. I don't think I would ever leave the school but to sleep. Do I have issues??

Bah boys!

Just as I was pretty much over Jaan and starting to move on he invites me to his house to check out his pieces and see what I might like to buy. Well I go over there (he couldn't live any further away from me, so it's quite a drive). He opens the door when I get there and then he sort of introduces me to his dad then he sits down. I'm still standing at the door (wasn't sure what to do) so he tells me to take off my shoes, have a seat. We chatted for at least a half hour just sitting there. About a lot of random things. Then he's like lets go downstairs that's where everything else is. So he leads the way, and then we get sidetracked in the kitchen (Jaan got distracted with food) so I was chatting with his mom (she's very nice, I talk to her every time I see her at school). Then she gets all excited and has to show me Jaan's first blown piece, it was super cute. Anyhow, then we go downstairs and he gives me the 5 second tour, this is my bedroom, this is the computer room, blah blah. Then he asks if I'm cold and if I want a sweater. I said I was ok but I probably should have taken him up on it because we sat down there for awhile and it was pretty fuckin cold. We checked out the pieces. Talked some more. He asked what I wanted to do and what not. Let me pick some stuff, we sort of worked out a price. It was all good. By then it was almost 10:30 so I decided to go home. So we were saying goodbye and he tells me to keep in touch, I know his number. And he gives me a hug, and tells me to drive safe. And I mean really any good guy friend give you a hug when you leave or whatever, it's just for me it's a little harder because clearly I have a crush on the guy, and it was getting better but that made it worse. BAH! Craziness. Oh yeah I forgot to mention his mom came down to the basement when we were down there and she kind of apologized for intruding, I'm like whatever. But then she's like Jaan you should show Kim your night light. I'm pretty sure I was trying my hardest not to burst into laughter. He was just shaking his head. I so could have bugged him about it but I didn't. We moved on as nothing had happened. Too funny. But yeah I'm struggling again. I really wish emotions could be turned on and off. I mean I even get along with the dudes mom. We used to talk about him when we chatting at school and he would just give us looks. So funny. I don't know what it is with that kid but I am always struggling!

Extremely Frustrated!!

I just want to be fucking happy. I want to figure out what is going to make me happy and soak it up. I am tired of being like this. Clearly I am not really happy with myself or my life and situation because if I was I wouldn't get so upset all the time about stupid things. Maybe I wouldn't be so randomly depressed. I nag myself about so much now. So dumb. I mean it's bad enough that I am struggling with this school thing but I am struggling with my body image right now too. I have been trying to get in better shape, loose weight and I am failing.

I finally started going to the gym this semester but now that school is over I have stopped. I don't have a gym membership now but it's not like I can't work out at home. I have this tape that I used to do too. But ever since I started working it has stopped the effort. Really I can't seem to find the time or I am just really tired. I guess I should be going to bed now instead of writing a blog but I'm not. Because I have to get up so fucking early now for work I can't work out in the mornings anymore. Also 2 or 3 days during the week I work at LNT as well so I don't get home until like 10 so clearly I am going to sit for a bit and then just go to bed on those days. And the other days I actually have off I either sit on my ass or I have something else to do.

And I think I have been eating a lot worse too. I was good for awhile there, eating healthy things, small amounts. Then work starts and I have crap at work all day, don't really eat real meals because I don't have time when I work at LNT so I am hungry when I get home so I eat more crap usually. So I have been feeling really lazy and down. Working out actually makes me feel better but I can't seem to find the energy or motivation to do it.

Everything hit me hard today when I was at the mall shopping. It has been raining and cold so I decided to go and try and cheer myself up and I'm not sure if it didn't help or made things worse. I was trying on clothes and I realized how ugly my body is and it made me sad again. I have been doing this video so much more and it is supposed to work your legs and butt more, and I swear they look uglier than they ever have. I have fat cellulite legs. I have to buy a bigger size of jeans so I can get the pants over my legs/ass and then I have to wear a belt because they are too big in the waist. It's really depressing. And I couldn't find any shorts for that very reason because the next size up either didn't exist or they were too big. And I tried on a few bathing suits and that made it even worse. The less fabric the more you have to see and judge. I basically look like I have no boobs when I wear a swimsuit, which is only telling the truth because all of my bras are push up. I have the most fucked up body ever.

And my mom is always telling me I'm not fat, and I know I'm not huge but I'm definitely not in shape or bathing suit worthy. This only makes me question why I don't have a boyfriend and why I have never had one. So dumb. And I don't even want anyone's sympathy or comforts. I just want to be happy with myself and I just seem to be struggling all the time to find that. What's happened to me in the last year? What's changed so much to make me question everything about myself. I really hope that this path of life that I am following eventually leads me out of this forest and into some sort of sunny meadow, because right now I am afraid of being sucked up and forgotten. Stupid emotions!

School

So I just thought I would update you guys, mostly on the school situation. I love ACAD and I love Glass but I don't think I will be going back there next year. I have been thinking about it a lot and I realized that I have known all along that I can't do it. All year people were asking me or assuming that I would major in glass and every time I would tell them, actually I'm not even sure yet. Because in the back of my mind I know and have always known that it just wouldn't be practical or logical for me to blow glass for a living. As much fun as that sounds I don't want to be struggling for money all of my life either. I want to have a stable household and family and with art it is so unpredictable. Therefore it's unlikely that ACAD will be my destination. So now my options are down to U of A and U of S. A lot of this depends on if I get into the U of A but it also depends on what I decide. I still need to spend some time looking over those tests I took and looking into career ideas. I may go into something environmental or urban planning. Looking into a few options. So it's either Edmonton or Saskatoon. Both get tons of snow and very cold weather. And it's about 3 hours either way if I need to visit you or Ash. Right now there is a lot of waiting. I hate waiting. But at least I can kinda prepare myself for moving in the fall, mentally. I'll be moving away from home again. This time maybe for much longer than before. We shall see. And if I move to Saskatoon I'm going to have to do a lot of shopping before I move because they don't have IKEA's in Saskatchewan!!! Hope your having an awesome week, my isn't too shabby at all. Peace.