Well that was interesting....

So my weekend was eventful, or at least Friday was. The trip to Lethbridge was pretty good most of the way, then we hit Medicine Hat. First of all there was a ton of construction areas so the speed limit was all over the place and apparently I missed one of those areas because I got pulled over for speeding and the sheriff was a total jackass. To my sister to who was following me. Like what the hell?? So I was mad. Then we went to a kegger with Kait and Jason and their friends. We drank a lot of beer. Played some beer pong which I have never done before and I guess me and Ashley suck together. We were a bit of a disaster. Mostly really drunk. Anyways, sometime during this craziness I managed to break my toe. Don't really know how it just started to hurt. And then the next morning I wake up and it kind of hurts and I can't really move it and then I notice that it is black/purple. Haha. Good times.

The rest of the weekend was pretty chill and uneventful. Went shopping Saturday and then to dinner with the parentals. Then drank some at Jason's place and attempted to go out dancing but we were to impatient to wait outside in the cold wind. So we went to the Duke and drank some then went back to Jason's and crashed. Good times. Saw Kristin Sunday which was nice then headed home to Calgary for the night. Watched some movie and didn't do much of anything then came back to toon town today. Ash had to drive part of the way cause my foot hurt and I had to break a toe on the foot I need to drive with. Fun times.

I have determined I should not leave a city to visit people because I seem to get speeding tickets or hurt myself or both. Stupid really!

What do I have to do??

I am sitting here bored at my computer not sure what to do. I guess I could study or read. But it's so boring. And really I would love to hang out with any person other than my sister because I already see her so much. I just want friends that I can hang out with on a regular week night. Where I can go to their house or they can come here and we can watch a movie or chat or maybe go out for coffee or something. Seriously I feel deprived. I mean when I am at work I still don't have that much normal conversation. Most of the time it's do you want coffee and then taking peoples orders.

I went shopping by myself the other day because I wanted to go shopping cause I had this desire to buy clothes and I just wasn't sure who I could even call. I mean Ash is probably busy with homework because vet med is demanding and I want some other person I can call to hang out. I don't really have that and most of the people I do know are guys and I seriously am not as comfortable just calling them up. Plus I am pretty sure most of them aren't bug 'shoppers'. It's just frustrating. Boring and frustrating. I mean I talk to all of 4 people on msn. 2 of them being my parents. No one is ever on or responds. It's a lonely life.

And the worst part is I like it here and my program but I just don't know who I can even talk to. Am I going to walk through the next few years zombie like? No care about anything or no one to care about me? What do I have to do to find someone. How do I put myself out there? Should I approach people or somehow become more approachable. I am eating candy and chocolate because I'm craving and I have been wanting to get into shape but at the same time I am wondering what for. I doesn't seem to make a bit of difference and doesn't make me any more happy. I have been working out for 2 months consistently and if anything i have gained weight and I fell like my face is fatter, which is really discouraging. I mean I know it's not magic but seriously.

I have no idea how to boost my confidence. Maybe I just don't care. Is there a point to any of this any part of life. I feel like I am just waisting it all away, for nothing. Maybe I should go back to Venice and blow glass for a year. At least I know I would have something that would make me consistently happy. And There is sooo much to see around there would I even need anyone?? Why can't I find someone who cares about me as much as I seem to care about everyone else?? Why does it seem so easy for some people and yet they aren't always happy either. Will I ever be happy????

Less Time

Well I seem to be blogging less. Possibly because I have been spending my time doing other things or I'm just not sure what to blog about anymore. I mean when I was in rez there was ALWAYS something going on. Really usually school time is more eventful for blogs. But I guess I just don't know what to say anymore. My life is so far relatively uneventful here.

I have been out a couple of times but not much. I wish I new more people, or new people better so they would be inclined to invite me out. I just like the company. I have been to a couple of beer nights here with Natelle, a friend I have made here. And she is super awesome. And they were fun and I met people and got drunk and you know. I'd be ok with doing that more. If I was invited. The other thing I find is some of the people I have made friends with here have things in common with other people and thats why they hang out so much and I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. I mean some of them play rugby, which I was going to do in high school but that didn't work out and sports are usually really time consumming. Then some of them play soccer, or they are in classes together or just the fact that they went to high school together and are still wicked good friends. I don't fit in yet. I need to find my place. I am hoping that I make some friends at work. They all seem pretty cool with each other. So we will see.

I need to figure out how I am going to balance work and homework and school and a life. I'll manage, I always seem to.

And I know you guys are right. I need to be patient and I think at times I am very impatient. Let things happen. Go with the flow. It's just the walk that is going to suck in this journey. lol. ;) Hopefully people will begin to see me the way you guys do and the way Ash does. I think I need to take up taking pictures though. I really do love to do that and I can do it at anytime in my free time! Yay!

Naive

An I really that Naive? Have I just noticed not that it has been like this for a very long time? Do I believe in people and friendship and relationships when it's all in my imagination. I think part of it is I get along with people so quickly I just assume they will be my friends because I feel like that but I guess not everyone is like that right. I somehow believe that after meeting people once or twice that they should respond to messages or want to hang out. Apparently I was wrong. I have no idea how I have been so delusional. Like my sister says she trusts no one and I seem to trust everyone. Which I think is going to bite me in the ass.

The point is. I need to meet some people here and make my own friends and try and form a bond with random people on my own. Give it time to grow I guess. Not everything happens overnight except for maybe in my head. I just can't stand being so lonely and it feels like I am stuck in my own apartment because I have no one to see and no place to go because I am all by myself. I'd love to go dancing at the bar, but Ash is really busy and going by myself is probably not safe. But I am pretty sure I am going to a movie by myself tomorrow. I really want to see it and I invited some people to go but no one seems to into it. Maybe they aren't movie people here, I dunno. I have to remember I'm in a different city/ province here. Things are done differently in some places right??

Hell all I know right now is that I am lonely and right now there is no one here I can turn to, to fill the void. It's almost worth it to drive to Edmonton and take Kyle up on his offer hey Leanne? lol. I wouldn't do that but you know. I miss you guys more and more all the time. I am trying to make a sort of life for myself here though. I need to make it work. I'm going to be here for awhile so I have to make it work. I'm getting a job and I need to concentrate on getting my school shit straightened out and maybe other things will fall into place....

Love you girls!

Catch up time!

So there is no way I can really type out my adventures. This blog would be unbearably long. This is something that needs to be told in person. Haha. My cruise was awesome. Saw some amazing stuff in 4 different countries. I had a lot of fun but at the same time by the end I was ready to come home. I think it would be a lot different to do a trip like that, or a European trip with friends or by yourself. Do what you want to do. You know. It was crazy over there. Italian drivers are nuts. They will even tell you that they are crazy drivers. But they are good crazy drivers. As I told my dad it's basically a form of organized chaos. It was a a new experience that's for sure. Nothing like I have ever done before. And again it was amazing. We have NO HISTORY compared to these people. It is insane. They are very devout too. Churches absolutely everywhere. I have never seen so many churches in all of my life. This was mostly in Italy of course. It wasn't as much in the other places we visited. Man I am sure I have a million random little stories! This would be something really cool for us girls to see together! European trip in a few years anyone??? Once we get some money in our pocket!

The getting home and packing up and moving part kinda sucked. It all went so fast I felt like I had no time to prepare. It's weird though because it all went so quick I already feel at home here in our little apartment. We are settled in. The only boxes left have movies in them because we didn't have room for the self we were planning to put them on. But in a months time that should all be fixed too. I've already been out a couple of times. Meeting a few new people, getting to know some other people a little better. It's alright so far. Although at times I do wish you guys were here to party with me. It's always a good time when your around! Plus I still love Cook. haha.

But as they say in Meet the Robinsons "keep moving forward!" So I guess I just gotta keep truckin' along and hope that it all works out in the end. And maybe I'll fins a boy in the process too! lol. Love you girls!

Starting to Stress (like SOS except STS)

Save me from drowning into craziness! As of tonight I have 2 weeks until I leave on my cruise. And it has hit me how much I have to do. I still have to pack for the cruise. Pack the rest of my shit for moving. Hope that we get a trailer so we can pack it up before we go so we aren't doing it the night before we move to Saskatoon while jet legged. Fuck!!! And we still have to get a few things for our place. And I am stressing because we only have like a day and a half to unpack in Sask before orientation and school starts. I don't know how much I will be able to party that first week because I have a feeling I'm going to be right beat! And although I could probably use this weekend at home I want to go camping to enjoy the outdoors, get some rays before the trip, and maybe get in a ski since I haven't gone all summer and I'm feeling deprived (and I have to try and not hurt myself because I need to be able to walk for the cruise). Just plain craziness I tell you. I'm not even sure what to worry about first. And of course I still have one more shift at LNT and they tried to get me to work Saturday even though I quit so I would be done Thursday. Sorry guys but I just don't have the time, and I don't want to. Oh and half the time at the airport I don't have much to do but oh no I only have 2 weeks left of work and all the sudden bam bam Kim can you do this, Kim can you do that. No not really because I have to do this. Everyone has something for me to do all of the sudden. I have to fill this awards case for my dad who is overseeing this because no one else wants to but everyone wants it done. I have to clean out these stupid rooms for Bruce so that they can get them cleaned out so this guy can come in and rip up some espestice tile. And I don't even know what else. BBAAAAHHHHH. So this is my mini freak out. Life will go on.

OMG

Living with my sister may be more stressful then I thought. I really hope we don't want to kill each other and then it will work out all ok. I think it will just some days she REALLY GETS TO ME and I just want to ape shit on her ass. lol. or walk out and not do anything and see what happens. I dunno. It just seems like I shouldn't bother trying to do anything because I'll just fuck it up. And really being the oldest child really blows most of the time. I hate having that f'ing responsibility! It's not fair that so much more is expected of me just because I am one measly little year older. BAH! I swear to god if everything is left for me to do, I may strangle her in her sleep. Well at least I know more people is Saskatoon then I do hear and they are all very close and the university is close so I have a place to escape if I can't take it. I know Ashley will let me crash if I need to, she's awesome like that. There are always options. Sometimes living at home, out here, I feel so incredibly trapped its unbelievable. And the second I want to go out for a walk I get eaten alive by mosquito's so that's not even really an option unless I want to be itchy and pissed off. NO WHERE TO GO!

Coming Together

Well it finally seems like some things are coming together and not everything is so crazy and it will all be over soon. I think we are pretty much ready for the trip. A few more things to buy. I can tell you right now that will change the week before when we are trying to pack. I'm sure I will be stressing then. Not only will I be packing for my trip but I will be packing to move too. We found a place, an apartment. It's pretty nice, but we don't get it until Sept. 1st. We were hoping for Aug. 1st so we could move in before the cruise but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. So we are going to pack all of out stuff into my uncles stock trailer and then when we get home on the 31st everything will be ready to go for when we leave on the 1st. By the time we get there we will have about a day and a half before orientation starts and then 2 days after that classes start. It's going to be like "wam bam thank you mame!" Crazyness. But we leave in like 35 days for the cruise! Yay. I cannot wait to be done working. For awhile anyways. I am planning on getting a job in Saskatoon. Not sure doing what yet. I got all my classes registered too. So I am pretty much set. A little more relaxed. Still so much to do though. Hopefully I don't have a mental break down anytime in the near future!

interesting weekend; lame Canada Day

So there was some good and some bad to this weekend. Thursday night I went to my cousin Kaity's high school grad. That was actually a lot of fun. Nothing like my grade. But I mean really there was 60 of them and 600 of us! Big difference. I went out with my cousin Jason to the town bar after. It was actually a pretty good time. A bunch of the grad's were there, and other people. I didn't have to buy myself one drink. That was nice for once. Doesn't ever happen to me you know. Only with family around! lol. It was fun though. Nice to spend some time away from home and with some different people and a different atmosphere. I crashed over night because it was late. I was going to drive into Calgary to work but decided against that and stayed and slept in instead. I needed the sleep. And Auntie Suzy made me breakfast. :) Then I drove home and had like an hour at home and we left for Saskatoon.

I slept half the way. Yay for road trips. 6 hours.... I tried watching a movie on my lap top but something was wrong with it. We get there, check in and then go over to Matt's for the kegger he was having. Kelsey stayed for a bit, actually ran into a girl she used to work with at Montana's here in Calgary. Kind of funny actually. Talk about small world. Anyways, I drank, but not excessively. We danced and chilled, there was a fire too. People started to go home after awhile. Most people had gone home by 3 am. lol. Ash showed up after work close to 4.... We ate some pizza. Played some Mario Kart. She left and I crashed on Matt's couch at about 5. Mom calls somewhere around 8:30 to tell me Dad is coming because we wanted an early start looking for a place to live. Surprisingly I wasn't hung over or overly tired. All about the adrenaline! I saw Matt, it being his party and all but he was busy, and drunk and his usual friendly self so I don't know what's happening with that kid. I just thought I would update you but I'm not worrying about it. Actually I had quite a bit of fun Friday with other people that I wasn't even thinking about/ my attention wasn't drawn to him unless he was in the room or close to me. I actually feel really chill about the situation. It doesn't bother me at all which is nice for once. It feels different then it did with Jaan. In a good way though.

Have you guys missed my randomness?? lol

Continuing on. We spent a great majority of Saturday calling people and looking for a place. We had been calling like 2 weeks before too. Either places were already rented or people weren't calling us back or whatever. Anyways we only ended up looking at 2 places and we decided on the first place. The second place had TINY bedrooms. One was like the size of a king bed, the bedroom. Clearly to small. So the other place it was. It's called Duchess Estates. There are like 6 building or something. Each has 4 floors. We are in building B. Top floor on the end. It should be alright. It's a decent size and rent isn't too bad. We have to pay electric and cable/internet. But whatever. It's about a 12 minute walk from the University so it will be close and save me on gas! No parties at our place though. There is pretty much a no noise policy at any hour because there is a hospital near by and there are people sleeping at all times because of shift work and such. But I'm ok with that. I'll just have to go out to party or to someone elses place! lol. The only bad thing is we were hoping to move in Aug. 1st but this place we don't get until Sept. 1st. So we will be rushing to unpack and get ready for school after we get back from the cruise. It will be one insane week!

That was the excitement of my weekend. We stayed in Saskatoon Saturday night and then drove to Regina to see my grandpa early Sunday. Stayed with him all day until about 8pm. Then went to our hotel. I wanted to see the fireworks but no one really cared so we missed them. Talk about a lame July 1. Sunday we visited for a bit longer and then drove home. 8 hours.... Sitting that long is hard on the ass. Went to Baba's for dinner. Picked up the dog and stayed for a bit and then went home. One LOOOOONG weekend alright. Like I said good but lame too. So much driving. The only good thing is I caught up on a little sleep on those long road trips.

This week and next are only going to drain me more. Crazyness at work because of Stampede and then you gotta go out once or twice for stampede too! Going to see Reba in concert. Pretty excited about that. Keep trucking along and eventually I will have my vacation and free time, and then WAM BAM back in school! Oh well. Better than working. That is all for now. Night Ladies!

Falling into place

You can see how busy I am this summer with the lack of blogs I am producing. Anyways, I feel so rushed and busy with everything that is going on this summer but for the most part it is all going smoothly and good. There is the odd problem but that is to be expected. You know I'm happy. Making money, having fun, getting really excited for my trip. It's good, it's all good. Ever since I have finished school this year I have been happier. You know I liked ACAD but at the same time I'm not sure if it was right for me. I feel better now, in my place, my moment. I am getting excited to move out on my own, not just residence. To be back at University. It all makes me smile. the only problem is there is so much I want to do and it just doesn't all fit. I am missing out too. Like going to the lake with Dani, and I'm sad about that. And going to Sandpoint, or just away on a boating vacation. But then again there is the cruise. And it's going to be a great opportunity. Not something I am going to be doing very often. So I want to enjoy every minute of it. I have a lot of mixed strange feelings, but nothing that makes me cry anymore, not even stupid boys. I am happy being me, doing my thing. And people always say you will find someone when you aren't even looking. So I'm just going to enjoy my life, my space, my time and go with the flow of things and whatever happens, happens. Love you guys! miss you girls tons.

Paddling out of a whirling hole...

You know so many things are happening this summer, and a lot of them are good but too much is happening and I don't even know where to start. I feel like I am just trying to keep myself afloat right now. I changed my availability to 2 days during the week at LNT instead of 3 because it has been killing me and I am burning out and have no life. I mean this week I worked Monday, Tuesday, Thursday. Yesterday I had this U of S thing that was a few hours long. So tomorrow night is the first free night I have off and I am still busy because I am driving down south to see Jaan and pick up/pay for the pieces I am getting from him. Then Saturday I work all day and then I am going to a 50th birthday party. Sunday really is the day of rest for me. That's the only day I can sit down and just relaxed and not worry about everything, which I do anyways.

This summer is too packed, too busy. It has never been this complicated and out of control. I think this whole cruise thing is fucking up the system. I mean I am really excited, and I get more excited every passing day but it has just spun everything out of control this summer. And now that I am moving to Saskatoon that throws another loop hole in because I have to find a place to live, and move in before the cruise because orientation starts 2 days after we get back. CAN YOU SAY INSANE!!!! We are going to get home, do laundry and leave the next day most likely. So complicated. And we are going with my parents which is fine but they have so much to say about where they want us to live and me and Kelsey are like HELLO we want something we are going to like too. I mean my parents are looking at campus housing. No thanks. I'm good. They don't listen well.

And then there is Stampede and they wanted to go shopping in the States before we went on our cruise and I am also trying to make money for school and living and whatever. I don't go out because I don't have time. I work ALL THE TIME it seems. I don't really have much of a life. And then I went to Saskatoon and that was a lot of fun but it burned me out even more than I already was with little sleep, lots of sun, and too much alcohol. I don't know how I function. Perma headaches right now. I could use a massage too but I don't have time for that either. FUCK! So much other shit is going on I will be lucky if I can go out on the boat at all this summer, which blows because it is the only thing that I am always looking forward and makes me happy every time. That's my form of Leanne's running to burn off steam. I feel like I am missing out on so much. Especially spending time with you guys and I feel terrible about it.

All I do is worry and freak out. School, friends, guys or lack there of. Stupid shit mostly but stuff that's important to me I guess. Isn't summer supposed to be fun?? I'm pretty sure I am more stressed now than ever before. Amazing. Anyways, I complain about being tired and then I stay up after midnight to write a f'ing blog. Genius Kim! Night ladies.

Stupid Boys

So I am still really excited to visit people this weekend in Saskatoon and party but I had a bit of a shocker this week. The guy that I have a bit of a crush on in Saskatoon, who I was and still am excited to see happens to be sleeping with his ex girlfriend. Ashley informed me this week because she didn't want me blind sided by it. Apparently when she found out Jasmine (Matt's ex) said that they were seeing each other again but Matt said they were just sleeping together (which really in my case isn't any better). So I'm not going to lie I was a little bummed. Thank god I met other people that one weekend I was there and according to Ash everyone in that group is really nice and fun so I shouldn't have anything to worry about. But I mean how can I be mad at him. I can understand guys have needs. And really I have only met him once and I do live 6 hours away. Still a shitty deal. Especially finding out the week before I am going to visit. I was going to go in early may but no one really had much time to see me then. Now things have changed. I'm curious if they are actually getting back together though, Ash says they are spending more time together again so I dunno. But yeah so thought I would share that random and stupid news. What else is new, bad luck with boys.

I hate stupid people

So it's been awhile but I haven't had much time to write and really I haven't had much to say. Life is dumb sometimes, that's about it. But I guess I have things to say now. So as you guys know, or hopefully you know because I sent you an email, I will not be going to the U of A next year. I received the letter that so gently informs me that I am rejected. Really I expected nothing less. I'm not even sure it really bothers me much because I wasn't expecting to get. I almost wonder what I would be doing now if I had gotten in last year. I would probably be finishing my degree in design to go into architecture. Now I'm still not sure what I'm doing. Anyways, it is most likely that I am going to be moving to Saskatoon. Thank god it is only 3 hours away from Edmonton just like Calgary so I can still come visit. I could stay here in Calgary and go to ACAD for glass but you guys know me, I'm too practical to be an artist!

Anyhow, in regards to my title, I hate people. The plan if I decided to go to Saskatoon and even if I didn't go and my sister did was for us to move in with Craig and Kathleen (Kelsey's best friend and boyfriends) but now it doesn't look like that is going to happen. Me and Kelsey are probably going to live together now actually in an apartment or Condo or something. The reason why I am mad though is because Craig is an idiot. Kelsey was the first one that wanted to go to Saskatoon for school. Then Kathleen thought it would be fun for her to move there and for them to live together because she wants to go into vet school anyways. Then they had the idea that Craig would move there too because he love's Kathleen and he is done school this year so he can work wherever. Anyways, sounding like a good idea Craig's parents were offering to buy a house and that we could all live in it and pay rent to them and whatever. It was a good idea until Craig's parents went crazy and Craig did nothing about it. First of all we don't even know if we are going for sure next year because we haven't been officially accepted yet. We were going to wait to find out to find a place. But apparently they were urgent to get a house so they were looking in April. Well this last week has been insane. Craig's parents put a down payment on a house they found. Only problem is it is outside of the city. We already live outside of the city here I don't want to move there and be in the same situation. I want to be able to walk to school or not have to drive everyday anyways. But they did this without asking because they thought it was the best price they were going to get and apparently didn't care what we thought. I don't want to live outside of the city and neither does Kelsey. What point does that serve. I drive enough as it is I don't need to move out there to do the same thing, especially with the crazy winter weather they get. So now Kelsey is really pissed because Craig and his parents didn't listen and she can no longer live with her best friend because we refuse to live in that house which apparently now they have officially bought. INSANE??? I think so. It's not even June for christ sake. They were saying they couldn't find anything nice that was a good price in the city. I'm like that's a load of crap. I have looked there are plenty of houses they could buy that are a good price. I wasn't expecting a 5 bedroom house or anything spectacular. Just a decent place to live. So I guess we are going to go in probably July to look for a place for me and Kelsey to share. I'm a little sad though because I kinda wanted to get a dog and if we got a house I probably could have got one, but now that we aren't a lot of places don't allow animals so it looks like I might have to wait a few years. Not that big of a deal but you know. Just extremely FRUSTRATING, all of it. So that is my bitter angry rant for the night. Hope you enjoyed. Hope you girls have a good weekend!

>>>!@#%%@$^

I didn't know what to put for a title so that's what it is. I'm not sure if you want to hear this or I should be saying it at all but I need to find myself a boy or figure shit out for myself. Sadly I get way to engrossed in my romance novels I almost become anti-social. They are my form of entertainment. And truthfully as I am absolutely positive that you will all understand. I would really like to hang out with a guy for myself instead. Haha. I'm pretty sure the obvious does not need to be stated here. I suppose the title kind of explains my frustrations. I'm almost desperate. I don't want to be, and I refuse to succumb to my craziness. See I'm not even making any sense. I'm going to go to sleep now and pretend that everything is normal... or as normal as it can be when I'm involved!

friends

Your right Leanne about making friends or who your friends are. I mean most people make their friends at school or at work or are friends of friends right. Well I have tried to make friends at school, and I have, but no one I'm really close to. I didn't hang out with very many people outside of school. And now I'm like who is even a 'real' friend. I dunno. Deanna is one of the only people I am really keeping in touch with. Jaan I don't know what to call him. And then work wise there are the people at the airport who I guess I call friends. But I haven't really hung out with them ever either. And from Linen's and Things I have made some good buddies and some of them are super awesome. Only problem most of them are still in high school and under age. Not as much fun. Therefore my friend resourses seem to be tapped out at the moment. Haha. I have to work on new ways to make friends..... hmmm.

...lonely

That's right guys, I'm feeling lonely again. It's worse now than ever because I can't even escape to school to see people. It's work and work only really. Fuck. I cannot live in this city with no friends. I will go crazy. I basically have no one. The only things I think about or have to look forward to lately are when I have plans with friends, plans to visit you guys or Ashley in Saskatoon and what I am doing for school next year and what I will need if I move out and such. It seems like I am constantly planning for the future because there is nothing to plan for now. Stupid. I am trying to make my school decision based on school but right now it is being highly influenced by my social situation. I can't live in this city for another 3 years with no friends. I would really become a glass obsessed art freak then. I don't think I would ever leave the school but to sleep. Do I have issues??

Bah boys!

Just as I was pretty much over Jaan and starting to move on he invites me to his house to check out his pieces and see what I might like to buy. Well I go over there (he couldn't live any further away from me, so it's quite a drive). He opens the door when I get there and then he sort of introduces me to his dad then he sits down. I'm still standing at the door (wasn't sure what to do) so he tells me to take off my shoes, have a seat. We chatted for at least a half hour just sitting there. About a lot of random things. Then he's like lets go downstairs that's where everything else is. So he leads the way, and then we get sidetracked in the kitchen (Jaan got distracted with food) so I was chatting with his mom (she's very nice, I talk to her every time I see her at school). Then she gets all excited and has to show me Jaan's first blown piece, it was super cute. Anyhow, then we go downstairs and he gives me the 5 second tour, this is my bedroom, this is the computer room, blah blah. Then he asks if I'm cold and if I want a sweater. I said I was ok but I probably should have taken him up on it because we sat down there for awhile and it was pretty fuckin cold. We checked out the pieces. Talked some more. He asked what I wanted to do and what not. Let me pick some stuff, we sort of worked out a price. It was all good. By then it was almost 10:30 so I decided to go home. So we were saying goodbye and he tells me to keep in touch, I know his number. And he gives me a hug, and tells me to drive safe. And I mean really any good guy friend give you a hug when you leave or whatever, it's just for me it's a little harder because clearly I have a crush on the guy, and it was getting better but that made it worse. BAH! Craziness. Oh yeah I forgot to mention his mom came down to the basement when we were down there and she kind of apologized for intruding, I'm like whatever. But then she's like Jaan you should show Kim your night light. I'm pretty sure I was trying my hardest not to burst into laughter. He was just shaking his head. I so could have bugged him about it but I didn't. We moved on as nothing had happened. Too funny. But yeah I'm struggling again. I really wish emotions could be turned on and off. I mean I even get along with the dudes mom. We used to talk about him when we chatting at school and he would just give us looks. So funny. I don't know what it is with that kid but I am always struggling!

Extremely Frustrated!!

I just want to be fucking happy. I want to figure out what is going to make me happy and soak it up. I am tired of being like this. Clearly I am not really happy with myself or my life and situation because if I was I wouldn't get so upset all the time about stupid things. Maybe I wouldn't be so randomly depressed. I nag myself about so much now. So dumb. I mean it's bad enough that I am struggling with this school thing but I am struggling with my body image right now too. I have been trying to get in better shape, loose weight and I am failing.

I finally started going to the gym this semester but now that school is over I have stopped. I don't have a gym membership now but it's not like I can't work out at home. I have this tape that I used to do too. But ever since I started working it has stopped the effort. Really I can't seem to find the time or I am just really tired. I guess I should be going to bed now instead of writing a blog but I'm not. Because I have to get up so fucking early now for work I can't work out in the mornings anymore. Also 2 or 3 days during the week I work at LNT as well so I don't get home until like 10 so clearly I am going to sit for a bit and then just go to bed on those days. And the other days I actually have off I either sit on my ass or I have something else to do.

And I think I have been eating a lot worse too. I was good for awhile there, eating healthy things, small amounts. Then work starts and I have crap at work all day, don't really eat real meals because I don't have time when I work at LNT so I am hungry when I get home so I eat more crap usually. So I have been feeling really lazy and down. Working out actually makes me feel better but I can't seem to find the energy or motivation to do it.

Everything hit me hard today when I was at the mall shopping. It has been raining and cold so I decided to go and try and cheer myself up and I'm not sure if it didn't help or made things worse. I was trying on clothes and I realized how ugly my body is and it made me sad again. I have been doing this video so much more and it is supposed to work your legs and butt more, and I swear they look uglier than they ever have. I have fat cellulite legs. I have to buy a bigger size of jeans so I can get the pants over my legs/ass and then I have to wear a belt because they are too big in the waist. It's really depressing. And I couldn't find any shorts for that very reason because the next size up either didn't exist or they were too big. And I tried on a few bathing suits and that made it even worse. The less fabric the more you have to see and judge. I basically look like I have no boobs when I wear a swimsuit, which is only telling the truth because all of my bras are push up. I have the most fucked up body ever.

And my mom is always telling me I'm not fat, and I know I'm not huge but I'm definitely not in shape or bathing suit worthy. This only makes me question why I don't have a boyfriend and why I have never had one. So dumb. And I don't even want anyone's sympathy or comforts. I just want to be happy with myself and I just seem to be struggling all the time to find that. What's happened to me in the last year? What's changed so much to make me question everything about myself. I really hope that this path of life that I am following eventually leads me out of this forest and into some sort of sunny meadow, because right now I am afraid of being sucked up and forgotten. Stupid emotions!

School

So I just thought I would update you guys, mostly on the school situation. I love ACAD and I love Glass but I don't think I will be going back there next year. I have been thinking about it a lot and I realized that I have known all along that I can't do it. All year people were asking me or assuming that I would major in glass and every time I would tell them, actually I'm not even sure yet. Because in the back of my mind I know and have always known that it just wouldn't be practical or logical for me to blow glass for a living. As much fun as that sounds I don't want to be struggling for money all of my life either. I want to have a stable household and family and with art it is so unpredictable. Therefore it's unlikely that ACAD will be my destination. So now my options are down to U of A and U of S. A lot of this depends on if I get into the U of A but it also depends on what I decide. I still need to spend some time looking over those tests I took and looking into career ideas. I may go into something environmental or urban planning. Looking into a few options. So it's either Edmonton or Saskatoon. Both get tons of snow and very cold weather. And it's about 3 hours either way if I need to visit you or Ash. Right now there is a lot of waiting. I hate waiting. But at least I can kinda prepare myself for moving in the fall, mentally. I'll be moving away from home again. This time maybe for much longer than before. We shall see. And if I move to Saskatoon I'm going to have to do a lot of shopping before I move because they don't have IKEA's in Saskatchewan!!! Hope your having an awesome week, my isn't too shabby at all. Peace.

crazy

You know what makes the least sense about my last blog. I actually had fun that night. No complaints. So I'm not sure why I came home and got all depressed and wanted to cry. Makes NO SENSE. I'm just plain crazy with crazy emotions. It's like a fricken roller coaster!

School

I'm just as confussed if not more confussed than ever about what I should do for school next year. Seriously a lot of this has to do with school but so many of my influences are people and what they have to say that are really what are on my mind. No matter how much I try to make this not about emotion but what is best for me in the long run it doesn't work. It matters what you guys say, it matters what other people say about ACAD. Everything matters. I mean tonight Jaan said that I would miss glass if I didn't go back next year. And really I think he might be right. I loved it, I do love it. But I just don't know if it's the right thing either. I think once I am away from it for awhile I will see how much it really effects me. I'm scared... I know that taking chances and making mistakes is the only way I am going to figure myself and my life out but I'm still scared shitless. And sometimes I'm not sure who to turn to. That's going to be the worst part about staying in Calgary if I do, I feel so alone sometimes. I'm going to be crying myself to sleep once again this year. It's all to familiar. WHAT IS RIGHT FOR ME? WHAT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY? Some divine spirit please tell me. AAAHHHH

.....bah

So I have not written in a week which is quite a stretch for me and yet I still don't have much to day but I have this desire to write, to inform, to entertain. I am done school for the year and it kinda feels weird but at the same time i don't feel done because I know I have to go back to the school for random reasons and when it doesn't feel like the U of A done. There it always helped that I was moving out of rez, seemed more permanent. Anyhow, things are still pretty crazy for me this week. Working at the airport all week all day, worked at LNT yesterday and tonight. Still got to put my portfolio together for U of A, you guys are coming, trying to have some fun before work really starts, have this ACAD grad show to go to. Craziness, but not any more crazy than anyone else.

I have this feeling that this summer is going to be insane and complicated for me and it almost worries me. I'm scared. I guess I really didn't want school to end because I am realizing that me having to make a decision about school and life is inevitable, and it's scaring me. You know me, I hate decisions and I struggle with them so this summer is going to be torture until I figure out what I am doing. I still need to go over the tests I did with the counselors in depth because I am still so very confused. I keep getting this exciting feeling about moving out and doing something but I don't even know if I am! I seriously need to get my brain and heart and gut together and agreeing. They all seem to be pulling me in different directions. It's terrible really. I wish I understood myself better, because maybe then I would be able to make the decision that's right for me. I dunno.

I have narrowed them though. I have decided that I am not going to go into Photography. I mean I enjoy it and it's a good hobby but I don't think I could do it all the time for people, I like pictures for me. So the choices are now U of A Design, ACAD Glass or Saskatoon BA in business more likely. I think part of the problem is I am a facts person and I can be very logical and to make this decision I know I am going to have to weigh my options, take all things into account and so on. It won't be easy. In the end I think I'm going to have to go with my gut, because thinking just gets me frustrated. Whatever feels right, whatever I dream about, have ideas for. What I plan for without realizing it. I'm hoping it will come to me in some sort of divine revelation! Wouldn't that be nice. Haha.

Anyhow, one last part of this random blog. I really want this Nat Burkas bedding stuff at work right. Well it's super expensive and wouldn't make any sense to buy, I'd be crazy, cause it's like over $300 for a comforter. Anyhow they are having a sale right now and it's 25% off all of his stuff and then I would get my 25% off too so it's not too bad anymore right? You have no idea how much I am in love with this bedding, I have wanted it since I started working there. Anyhow, I am trying to decide and I was looking at them tonight and I realize that all of his stuff is dry clean only. So now I'm thinking it's no such a good choice. I don't wash my comforter much but if it got dirty it would cost me a fortune to clean. And almost all other things you can wash and dry as usual. So now I am debating if it is really worth it. Something else to think about. Always things invading my busy mind!

But yeah hope all your tests have gone well and any left go just as well and I can't wait to see you all soon!!

Idiot!

I am an idiot. What have I been thinking? Where has my head been? I seriously have to wonder where my priorites lie. I hate making decisions and I let stupid things influence them. Why does choosing a school and a career have to be so fucking difficult for me? And what am I expecting to happen with my choice? And I have no idea why I would have thought that this would be any different. BBBBBAAAAAHHHHHH IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT. I am kinda mad at myself and it doesn't even make sense, this blog doesn't make sense. Don't try making sense of it. I was happy all day until this moment.

YAY PICKLES!

I love pickles. It's funny how all three of us love pickles of all things. I came home from the bar tonight and I had pickles and triscuits and cream cheese. SO GOOD! It was awesome. Tonight was a good time. Cowboys very rarely disappoints. My shirt randomly broke however. The strap like detached from the front of my shirt. A girl pointed it out to me. Luckily my sis had a safety pin she could spare so I could still dance. Otherwise I would have had to hold my shirt up for the rest of the night. How terrible would that be?? Anyways, I really should go to sleep. Talk to you all later!

Summer is almost here!

It's so hard to believe that I am going to be done school at the end of next week. It's crazy. I was driving along so smoothly and now everything is coming to a crashing halt, out of nowhere. I'm not sure what to do. So much was happening this week, tons of stuff happening the next few weeks and then BAM summer and working. And my decision on a school approaching quickly. I have gone to see a counselor though and taking some random aptitude test like things so they are going to try and help me figure out what a good choice may be based on everything we talk about. Crazyness I tell yeah. MIND BOGGLE. And I know I'm not the only one. I'm sure you guys are freaking out about shit too. Insanity, it's all insanity. I gotta sleep, I didn't much last night and now I am not functioning normally. Have a good weekend girls!

Bah!

I fuckin' hate myself sometimes. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I can't make decisions, and I don't know why I have crazy emotions sometimes. I was pretty much fine all weekend and then a few hours ago I some how worked myself into a bad mood thinking about all the shit that is going on and the decisions I have to make and who I'm going to piss off or whatever in the process. Bah! I am stressing myself out and upsetting myself for stupid things. And I am trying to do what I need to do to make myself happy but nothing ever works out the easy way and someone always has something to say. I feel like I am always being judged. Who cares what I do if it makes me fucking happy? Why do I have to explain myself? What if it just feels right, you know? I need people in my life because I don't do well by myself but at the same time I fucking hate having to choose or to justify what I do. I dunno. It's weird because it's all about people. They can make your life fun but they can make it difficult too. I guess that's life, it wouldn't be very interesting without it. I just wish it wasn't so complicated sometimes.

Not much to say

I have wanted to write another blog all week but every time I go to write one I'm like I don't really have anything to say. It's kinda sad. I guess my week has been relatively uneventful. Friday night I went to babysit Cole and Shelby out in Bragg Creek. It was fun. I love those kids. They are almost always good for me. Drove home and went to bed at like 2 then had to work at 9 in the morning. I was the only person on the floor for like 2 hours that morning before anyone was scheduled to come in. I was super busy all day because I had my jobs to do in my department and then I was cashing half of the time because I was also the only other person in the store that knew how to do cash and they only had one cashier on for most of the day. So when it got busy I did cash. It was crazy.

Then last night me and Kelsey went out to Ship and Anchor on 17th to meet up with Jeremy. The guy from Saskatoon. So we had a drink with him and his friend. Chatted a bunch. It was a good time. Then me and Kels left, went and got pizza then walked back to the train station to go home. I didn't get to bed super early last night either but I slept in till like 9:30. Which isn't bad considering I don't sleep in much anymore. I was planning to draw today and catch up on homework. But I didn't. I did laundry, cleaned my bathroom, worked out, and went to visit my sister at work instead. If I stay here to go to school there is no way I am taking another drawing class. I hate them. I would rather take Art History. Which most people would think I am crazy for. So yeah now I am screwed for this week. But that's ok. I'll live.

The next couple of weeks are going to be absolutely insane however. I may want to shoot myself by the end of it. I will need to get very drunk that's for sure. I have been talking to Matt a bunch. He's a lot of fun to talk to, and he actually answers my text messages. Haha. But it's all fun right. You guys can see what he sort of looks like now. He joined Facebook today so find him in my friends if you wanna see a picture. It's funny looking at a picture of him and thinking of Jaan I kinda realized again how much different we are in the type of guys we like. Haha. We all have our preferences, lol.

Random Stories

First of all, do you guys remember reading my blog and how I mentioned one of Dave's friends Jeremy from the weekend. Well he's kind of random and crazy. Very blunt with comments, likes to mess with people. A male version of Leanne really, but crazier. ;) (It's not a bad thing that I am comparing you to him by the way). Anyhow, I was talking to Ash tonight about random stuff and she mentions to me that Jeremy asked for my number and she gave it to him because she didn't see it as a big deal. Neither do I, I think it's kind of funny actually. She also informs me that he will probably actually call me, sooner rather than later. I found that interesting as well. What I am really curious about is why he actually wanted my number... I guess I will have to wait and see.

Second story involves Jaan. I don't like him anymore, just to clarify. I mean I think he could be a good friend, entertaining, because I still find him funny and a fucking awesome glass blower but he's a douche too. I sent him a text message Friday night saying, "Here's the deal. I'm attracted to you and I would love to hang out and have some fun. But if aren't interested at all just say so." Well he didn't get back to me so I naturally assumed that was a no. Well he decides to text message me back finally, today. He says, "Sry, no fun." That's a no. But what a lazy ass. Lame text message and he can't even actually spell sorry. Then I see him like an hour later today and everything is normal. He is acting like nothing happened. Which is good I guess, but very strange also. Whateves. I don't care anymore, he can be a douche all he likes. I probably won't see him after April 30th anyways. It's crazy how shits happens.

Clarify

I think I need to clarify about what's going on. Yes I may have had an awesome weekend and I may be now thinking about going to Saskatoon but really it's just another option. I'm not even sure I see it happening. And the idea really wasn't because of Matt. I have heard a lot of good things about U of S long before this and being there this weekend just made me realize that it could be another option. I spent no more then 36 hours with Matt. You can't know that much about a person in such a short time. I mean I thought Jaan would be an awesome guy too and look at the douche he turned out to be. Yeah.... I know I would be stupid if I made a decision about school based on that. I'm just trying to find where I belong. You guys know that I have struggled this year, trying to be happy. There is more to life than just school as well and I'm not happy in Calgary for the most part. I haven't made any really solid friends here. And I have cried myself to sleep so many times this year I have to wonder what my issue is. I really don't mind my family in living at home but I think that I feel restricted. I miss making my own choices and doing what I wanna do without telling someone what that is all the time. And like I said I don't think I'm ready to get out and get a 9-5 job. I like the security of school and knowing what to expect. But moving out also gives me a little more responsibility. Balance. I dunno, I am really confused right now. No decisions will be made for awhile. More thinking. I just need to take everything into consideration.

Best Weekend Ever!

I think this is the best weekend that I have had all year. Not saying that the weekends with guys weren't awesome but I was doing something totally different and I was happy all weekend and that was definitely improved by a guy. Anyways, I'll give you the basics about what I was up to this weekend.

Friday I went to school for like an hour. I parked in front of the school instead of in the parking lot because I was being cheap and then I ended up getting a $40 parking ticket which really pissed me off and made me super angry. But anyhow I drove to Saskatoon. It's usually a 6-7 hour drive for most people. I did it from door to door in about 5.5 hours. It was awesome. I just cruised and the roads are pretty much super flat so it wasn't anything to crazy or excited. I was kept occupied almost the whole time too because it's only a 2 lane highway so passing is a little trickier. I am pretty sure I scared a few people coming the other way a couple of times but I wouldn't have passed if I knew I couldn't make it. Some people are just over cautious. But yeah it was a good time. Cranked my music, stopped once for gas and I was good.

That night was the party thing I was going to for the Vet school here for Ashley's program. It was pretty good. We went and had pot luck food and had a few drinks after I got to Saskatoon. Then we got on a couple of buses and headed out to this hoe down thing. It's actually held in this old building that used to be a brothel that is in the middle of nowhere east of Saskatoon. It was a pretty good time. I saw a few people I met during the summer when they came to Calgary for Stampede. We drank and danced and ate food. It wasn't too bad at all. I think we finally got back to Ashley's place around 2:30 maybe 3. Then we hit the sack. I ate like half a cracker before I brushed my teeth and passed out. By then I wasn't really drunk anymore because I had stopped drinking at like midnight, but I was tired, that drive takes a lot out of you. I didn't really sleep in much Saturday because I wasn't super tired and Dave's bird Blue decided at somewhere around 10:30 that is was time for me to wake up. Chirp, chirp, chirp. Haha. But we all chilled in our pj's and chatted for most of the day. At like 4 we decided it was time to finally start getting ready and making food. Ash had to work at 6 so she took me and Dave to a liquor store and then drove us over to Dave's friends house.

This is where my weekend gets interesting. This house is owned by his friend Matt (the guy that I happened to fall head over heals for, lol). And he has 2 roommates living with him that pay rent because apparently he had this serious girlfriend at one point and they got this house and then they broke up so he payed her share of the house off and now the boys pay rent to live there. Anyhow, I met these three guys, Matt, Dave, and Danny. They are all pretty good looking. Another thing I discovered this weekend is they call each other by there last names a lot because there is more than one Matt, Dave, Jen, and whoever else in there group of friends. So anyways I meet these guys along with a few other ones already at the house because apparently some of them spend more time there then they do at their own homes. lol. About 10 minutes after I got there we were already playing video games. Nintendo Wii is fucking awesome Leanne now I totally get what you mean. So we played that for a few hours then we headed to the first pub/ bar to wait to get on the buses to start our pub crawl. We started at The Pat, then went to Rodeo's (I think that's what it's called) and then Rylie's and this bar they call the Skuz (nickname) haha and then back to the Pat.

But this guy Matt was the one who put on the pub crawl too. He was buying a bunch of people drinks, including me. Yay for Saskatchewan beer. I was mixing Gin and beer which didn't really work out well for me today.... lol. But anyhow he had all these people out for this thing (celebrating March B-day's so I fit in perfectly) but he still hung out with me a lot of the night and was totally flirting which was awesome for me cause I was super attracted to him right away. It's kinda funny too cause I met his sister at some point during the night, I think it was at the last bar before we went back to the Pat actually and she totally loved me. Haha. And apparently Matt was telling her that it was too bad that I was from Calgary because we live so far apart. ;) But anyways we were back at the Pat for awhile having a good time. I danced with him for a bit which was awesome but then he disappeared. We found out a while later he left to get Subway and the bouncer was being a douche and wouldn't let him back in so he went home. A bunch of us left after that and ended up going back to his house. We ate some pizza, played more video games and then most people left. Dave got a ride home cause he was super hammered and beat. I stayed. Ashley ended up having to work until like 5 AM because she works with a bunch of bitches who weren't doing their job. And she had to work at noon again today. Total bullshit. Anyways, me and Matt decided to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2 at like 4 in the morning. Dumb plan since that movie is like 2.5 hours long. Haha. Ash called me at 5 asking if I wanted her to pick me up but I was like I'm ok, go home. So anyhow we stayed up until like 6:30 watching this movie. It was a good time though. We were cuddling and I fell asleep a few times too. One of his buddies this guy Jeremy was passed out on the couch with us snoring. It was funny. Finally he went upstairs and found a couch of his own to sleep on. Haha.

So yeah at 6:30 we finally get to going to sleep. We couldn't even go to his bed though because he told one of his girl friends earlier that she could crash there and he totally forgot. Haha. But we ended up just crashing on the couch cuddled up. I think that was one of the best things ever. Just to sleep beside a guy cuddled in his arms. That is what I'm looking for and that's probably why I like him so much already. He is a genuinely nice guy and I really think he would be an awesome guy to date. But he has to live fucking 6 hours away. Haha. It's funny cause we didn't even make out. There were a lot of times where we were close but he just didn't take that move, which is nice because you know he isn't all about getting some. I so should have instigated that though because I would have loved to have made out with him, lol. But yeah we only got 4 hours of sleep if that because so many people were up and about by then in the house it was impossible to sleep. Haha.

We sat in their kitchen for like an hour and just chatted and what not. Then I decided that I would be in no condition to drive home today so I am driving home tomorrow. Then we were playing more video games. I played Mario Kart battle all morning with Matt, Jeremy and Matt's roommate Dave. It was so much fun. I miss video games. Haha. They so ganged up on me too, cause I was the only girl. But I still won the second most matches. KICK ASS!! lol. Then at like 2 i decided that I really needed food so Matt and I picked up Dave and we went to Ashley's work to have a late lunch. It was a good time. We got some more chatting in. Then we went back to the house to watch a movie. I finally got to see The Departed. It was a good movie. And there was more cuddling. :) Then Ash came over after work and we stayed for a bit longer and watched Family Guy for a bit. But Ash was dead tired so we left. I so wanted to hug Matt but I was like am I allowed it might be a little weird. I didn't but he's like you will have to come back soon, for sure for one of their lake weekends in the summer I guess. I'm sure it will be a good time.

So that's pretty much it. We came back to Ashley's, had dinner and then Dave and Ash went to bed and I am writing this. I am going to hit the sack soon though so I'm not too tired to drive tomorrow. But I did get Matt's number so I sent him a text message saying I had fun and thanks for the good weekend and see him soon. He texted me back and said that he had fun too and to drive safe and that I have to come back soon because it would be nice to see me again. WHY DOES THE NICE GUY HAVE TO LIVE SO FAR AWAY??? Just my luck guys, just my fucking luck. Haha. But I gave him my email and we are going to chat. I have another reason to try and come see Ash more now though. It will be soooo much easier now that summer is coming too and the roads will be good.

So anyhow that's my weekend. Awesome time, totally wicked. And by the sounds of it Leanne's wasn't too shabby either. Yay good times. I hope everyone else had a good weekend. Love you guys!

200th BLOG!!!!

Surprisingly for the amount I blab and how often I post I really thought I would be way past that by now. Guess not. And the stupid thing is the last like 50 blogs (not actually counting) have been about being here, boys, Jaan in particular. And why should this one be any different. That is all my life seems to revolve around lately. Really I think that's all I have to blog about, there is more to my life, just not as interesting. Plus my blog in a way is sort of like a diary, even though diaries are usually private. But only people I would tell this stuff too know about my blog anyways. Blogging gets everything out on the page for me to think about. I mean I don't even expect you guys to care about most of it anymore. Because you have heard most of it before and I know it can get tedious. But what can I say, I can't seem to help it.

Now on to the actual blog. Today was interesting but also frustrating. I just wish I knew where Jaan was coming from. He makes no sense. Guys are confusing. And I am pretty sure I am getting mixed signals. Up, down, up, down. I see him today, he sits down next me to on the bench. We are randomly talking about not much. He takes out this phone and it like check out this text message I sent Teri earlier. It said something like "Salutation exclamation noun verb question mark." I was ok... Not really understanding. Then hes like it means like "Hey! How are you?" or something like that. I was ok I get it. He thought it was clever. I was like if I got a text message like that I would be thinking what kind of drugs are you on. Now I don't know if the text message really matters... why would he mention Teri in particular unless it meant something?? Am I crazy? I want to ask him. But it would have had to have been done then. Anyhow more conversation and talking about people and whatnot. Then somehow we get into a conversation where he is showing off his muscles and it like you don't want to mess with this. SO SHOWING OFF!!! There is no way that can't be showing off. Totally looking for praise, right?? I was like oh yeah. Did you hit up the gym. He's like yeah I was just there. I try to go three times a week for at least 20 minutes you know cause every little bit matters. And last but not least there is that part I already told Leanne. It was me and him and another 4th year (a Chinese women who has kids and is older but is totally awesome) chatting about glass and courses and whatnot. We were talking about the courses I would take next year if I was going into glass. All that fun stuff. But then I mention that you know I don't know for sure yet if I am even going back there, and that I am terrible at making decisions. Then Jaan kindly pipes in well I'm not going to be here, with a smile. I looked at him and I am sooo glad that I was sitting forward because I turned away and I am pretty sure I was probably BRIGHT red. Totally embarrassing. Jung-Yee is like oh yeah you are going to be in Australia and he says hopefully. But I am pretty sure that wasn't the point he was getting at. He was totally looking for me to be embarrassed, am I right?? Then he's like I should go blow some glass and he disappears into the hot shop. OK.

Continuing on in my day. I went back to drawing for like 45 minutes then I went back down to glass cause Tyler (one of the teachers) was doing a demo. I ended up staying cause I wanted to see and Jung-Yee is like we need an audience, cause they were filming for it. So I stayed of course (causing me to miss the rest of my drawing class because I was gone for over an hour). I wish you could read people by their actions and facial expressions cause he was all smiles and was looking at me. We were randomly laughing and having a good old time. I might have bruised his ego a little bit though. When the piece was almost done it was pretty big. Anyways, he is always so dynamic and was like "It's a BIG ONE!!" I don't know why but I responded with "Thanks for stating the obvious tips." Kinda funny. But I think he took it a little seriously cause he was quiet for a bit. Hahaha. Leave it to me when I like a guy to not be able to flirt with him and go with his cockiness and be like wow your arms are really big and grab them like some girls might do, but bash him when he makes a comment all in fun. I don't make sense either. PEOPLE DO NOT MAKE SENSE.

At this rate clearly I am thinking nothing is going to happen. Well I had a dream the other day that was like the last day of school and I was like well I don't know if I will see you, so I hug Jaan (because I usually don't even though Dave gives hugs all the time) and then as I am backing away I'm like I wish you would have given me a chance, it could have been fun. And I walk away. What is with that. Me planning my pardons with the whole situation. I don't get him, I don't me, I don't get this situation. I just wish he would be less flirty with me since he said no to me. And the worst part is, I don't even know if he entirely realizes it because truthfully he is a flirty person in general, from what I gather. So maybe I am getting more out of it. Whatever is going on it's hard on a girls emotions. Now that Deanna knows about me liking him though it's a little easier cause I know I can talk to her. She is like yes he is cocky and I don't know what his deal it but keep your chin up. Seriously I could see her lasting as a good friend. She is a good replacement for you guys at school when I don't have you there for me all the time. I'm not sure what I would do without her. And she is the ONLY one from school who came to my b-day. That means something.

PS - I kinda wish I had never met Jaan's ex (if she still is...). I mean I met her, and I know she is really nice, and skinny, and blond, and pretty and I find myself wanting to know about her; I think because I am comparing myself to her. Which sucks. I wish I could take her out of the equation because it ruins everything. Haha. Obviously. Boys, good or bad??? I'm not so sure anymore. And then there is my horoscope today: "It sounds like a fairy tale, but the right person will come along when you need them. In the meantime, remember what's important to you. Upholding your standards will make the wait worthwhile." I sure hope so. Haha. Anyhow I think that is enough out of me for one reading/night. Peace out.

Sad :( Reality is setting in...

I was talking to Matt tonight (the guy I work with at the airport) and I had a realization. School is almost over. Like maybe a month, that's it. Most people want it to end and I sort of do, but after talking to him, I don't want it to end anymore. I realized I was sad that it's ending. You guys know how much I hate making decisions and the sooner school ends the sooner I have to make decisions about what I am doing for school next year. Like if I go back to U of A or stay here and if I stay here if I take glass of photo. This really sucks. Plus I have to make portfolios for these stupid applications. So much work. I am so screwed for the next month, truthfully.

And this weekend is gone because I am most likely driving up to Saskatoon to see Ash and party, which will be fun but won't help my situation any. I wish I had someone to come with me cause I am going to be driving for 6-7 hours by myself. :( The worst part about me driving by myself is, that is a lot of time to think. And lately me thinking just gets me upset about whatever is going on. So dumb really.

Anyhow, the other reason why I really don't want this semester to end is Jaan. I mean I know I have been saying it will be good cause I will be away from him and maybe I will meet someone else. But really I don't want to be away from him. I enjoy his company. And no matter how much I try to block it out I really do like the kid and I can't do anything about it. So much for controlling emotions... Impossible in this case. I swear he is on my mind like %75 of the day, when I am awake and I am pretty sure I dream about him too. Which is crazy but pretty human I think. I wish he could give me a chance, I can be a really good friend to have, right girls? :) And really he is too nice to me sometimes or flirty, like Friday which makes this even harder. And the whole thing with summer is no school no seeing Jaan every day. And I probably won't see him at all because we don't hang out outside of school. And even if I do stay at ACAD, he's done this year so I don't even have next year to look forward too. That's why I'm like would it be better for me in Edmonton because I would always be thinking that nothing could be better than this year, all because of him. EERRAAAGGGHHHHH.

It is so not fair that guys have this power over me, over women in general! I cannot be the only one going through this. Why can't I just meet someone who will like me back, for who I am?? I mean I know it isn't that big of a deal, and I'm sure I will meet someone sometime. But I really do want someone now. And it really is important to me. Maybe because I have had life plans that aren't going the way I planned or maybe I am just in some serious need of human contact. There are times when I could really use a guy, just like any other girl and I don't do a very good job of helping myself in that matter.

Brain mush!!! I have worked myself up and managed to confuse myself. Grrr. At least Matt is being sort of helpful. He is actually giving me relative pointers, which I was wasn't expecting. Confidence Kim, confidence. I can't wait for the day that I am truly happy with myself, my life and when it shows in my face and actions.

Peace out.

Don't Understand

I really don't get boys. At all. They make no sense and WE are the complicated ones. HA that is so bullshit. I think they have more issues. Anyways, last night was awesome for the most part but of course I have boy issues with Jaan as usual and other things.

So anyhow, when I got my mug last night and when I got my first beer Jaan was working the bar and he poured my beer and he was all smiles. He even blew me a kiss which was so random. I didn't even register it right away though cause I was asking him why he was wearing his sunglasses inside in the dark. Well he was and probably is still pretty sick and his eyes were like crazy bloodshot. Super red, so he was hiding them. Haha. I talked to him randomly a few other times. Then later, about 11:30 we were working together selling mugs. Randomly talking. And everyones likes your going into glass right and I'm like actually I still don't know. Then they of course ask what else I would do and I tell them I might go back to Edmonton. If I remember correctly or I guess if I heard him right Jaan said maybe that's what I should do. I don't know what that's supposed to mean if anything at all but he said it. Oh and he was also being a baby like boys are when they are sick and was complaining about his throat but he continued to drink. Haha.

Then later when everything was winding down I was sitting at a table randomly watching people dance. Well Jaan comes over and was like standing in front of me and he rests his head on my shoulder. And I kinda rested mine back. Then I think I mentioned something about going home cause my mom was coming to get me. And he's like you didn't drive? (Because I always drive). And I said yeah I did but my parents came to get my car earlier because I knew I wouldn't be able to drive home. And he's like yeah that's probably a good idea, I'm going home too. Then we helped clean a bunch of shit up before we left cause we were leaving before everything was done and I didn't want to leave the rest of the people with all the nasty mess.

I was chilling by the mug table for a bit after that just waiting for my mom. And I got talking to Katie, Deanna's friend about boys and stupidness. Then I admitted to liking Jaan. Deanna was of course listening and shes like "I KNEW IT!!!" haha. Then she mentioned she has a tiny crush on him too but she knows he would never like her like that. But yeah we were mostly talking about how it's hard to find guys because at ACAD they are either gay, or a lot of them are taken or they really aren't all that attractive. And neither of us really know anyone that can hook us up.

Anyways, the last random thing that happened with him was when he brought in a propane tank from the bbq's outside to put away. He was carrying it in and set it on the table. I asked him how full it was cause you can tell by the weight usually. I'm not really sure how we got to the next part but I consider this showing off. He's like I can probably tell how heavy this is in one curl (meaning one arm curl). So he lifts it like he is doing a bicep curl and he says its probably about 45 pounds. I of course was thinking who really cares so I just said oh yeah. Then he took it downstairs. My mom called and I left, not seeing him so I didn't say bye. I sent him a text message though and said later and I actually saw him walking to the train as we drove by. But he didn't text message me back. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. Anyhow, after I got home I sent him another one but this one was a little more random. I was referencing something that happened in first semester that he learned about me but he probably though I was crazy. I said something about no ripe bananas. Haha. He wouldn't have remembered so I'm not sure why I did it. He said he would see me monday.

Because of this crazy text message I sent Deanna a text message this morning and I'm like can you find out from Jaan in a roundabout way if he thinks I'm crazy cause I was sending drunk text messages. She just laughed and said she will see what she can do. So it should be interesting to see if she can find anything out.

Oh and on a totally separate note one other thing happened last night. A couple of these guys from SAIT were at mug night cause they live in rez and were there with a couple of people I know from school. Well I got talking to this guy and according to my friend Ivy he was kinda into me so she sent him over to chat. We chatted it up for awhile and I found out he is from a little town in BC, his name is Dave, he's 20. The basics. Anyhow, they did last call so I went out to buy a drink. He followed and offered to buy it. Of course of all the times. I was just like thanks but you really don't have to, I get it for free. Haha. He kinda seemed put down. Ivy came over after and apparently he was like I dunno, he felt a little shut down. I was like I dunno I need to talk to him more. So we exchanged emails and he added me to MSN. So I guess we will see what happens with that.

So yeah that was my night. It was pretty crazy. But fun. And there was no crying which is always a plus. I was hungover for a good deal of the day though. Haha. Oh well. I work with some cool people so it wasn't all that bad. Yay. Later guys.

Piercing

So I am going to get my belly pierced today. Should be interesting. I wonder if I'm gonna like it. I hope so. At least I can take it out if I don't. I kinda nervous/excited. I dunno. YAY PIERCING!! Haha. Oh and I had a massage this morning which was really needed. My muscles are crazy tight. And I was going to write something else but I seem to have forgotten what that was going to be. Oh well. Obviously not important.

OH oh! I remember. People seem to be noticing that I am in better shape now. I saw my chiro for the first time today in months and he is like you look different, have you lost weight. I haven't really lost that much but thats ok. :) Maybe he's on crack but it was nice of him to notice.

Terrible decision maker

So maybe you guys can help me out. The lady who does my schedule at work is stupid. I asked to work a later shift this Saturday because I knew I was going to be getting drunk and I usually work Saturdays. Well she didn't cook me saturday but Sunday instead. I didn't want to work sunday because I want to go snowboarding. The reason why she is dumb is because she has me written down for asking for the 22nd till the 25th off. I didn't ask for that. I look at the availability thing though and I think she read it wrong because those are the days I booked off in February. Making her dumb. Anyhow. Here is my dilemma. I can either get drunk Friday, have Saturday off and work Sunday and not go snowboarding OR I can see if this lady who works in my department will switch her Saturday shift with me causeing me to be at work for 11 am and probably hung over saturday so i can snowboard sunday. I think I like the latter better other than working hungover, but can still be managed unless I'm puking. So any thoughts??

Perfectly Normal

As Leanne predicted and I suspected myself even though I was super embarrassed Jaan acted like nothing happened today. He was perfectly cheery and social. As normal as can be with him. Although he was looking a little scruffy today. Hahaha. I notice everything. I am crazy. But that's ok, and perfectly normal when you like someone. ;) I should really do my drawing now, even though I hate it. I don't plan on taking any more drawing classes if at all avoidable. I'm not the person that just draws to draw. I don't. I mean I see people doodling in there sketchbooks and notebooks all the time at school which is thought to be normal there, but I don't, I never really have. I dunno it's one thing I don't usually find enjoyable. Can't be good at everything right! PS. I am pretty sure that I am going to get my belly pierced on Thursday. I really hope I like it. I'm kinda scared. But at least this I can take out if I don't like it. Personally I think it will give me even more motivation to work out and get into shape. Theories again. All theories. Anyhow I should get back to my drawing. Peace all.

I know, I know

So the reason for the title is because I know what you guys are going to say and you will probably shake your head at me. So read it with an open mind and know I know I'm crazy and accept it, cause it probably will never change. Haha.

So anyways, this is about my Friday night adventures at the Roadhouse and part of the craziness of why I was stupidly upset and why I will probably avoid school for a few days and why my msn name says I'm crazy. So I text messaged Jaan. This is where I start to dig my own birthday grave. I was drunken text messaging which is never a good thing but something that I frequently do. The hole gets deeper. I ask him if he is coming and he doesn't answer, surprise, surprise, causing disappointment and a deeper hole. Then I kind of get mad and send him a text message asking if he is scared of me now or what since he avoids me all the time and doesn't really talk to me. The whole gets bigger. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING???? Hints the crazy Kim comment.

The plot thickens. Mwhahaha. Not really. Anyhow he decides to message me back this time and says, I quote "Yo kim u shouldnt take it so heavy, its al good." For YOU maybe, but apparently not for me, I was like grr you suck and I hate you for being so chill about everything. Getting deeper. Then I send him one back apologizing like I always do even though Leanne tells me to stop apologizing for things that I have no right to be sorry about. Because I really don't have to be sorry about wondering why he won't talk to me now. Anyways, I simply explain that I am drunk and crazy. And once again he says it's all good. Oh any casually wishes me a happy b-day, I forgot that part. THANKS FOR REMEMBERING! Grrr. This is even making me mad now. I am CRAZY. I'm sure he is going to think I am crazy and I am so mad at myself for drunken texting and angry at him for being a fucking jerk or a friend. And this is where the hole is dug, ready for me to jump into.

I wasn't have as much fun by this point and Kelsey wasn't either so we wanted to go home. Stef stayed cause she was with her work friends and making money, so whatever. Me and Kelsey catch a cab home. Which ended up costing like $40. A tank of gas in my car for like a week and a half. *Cringe* Oh well, the parents paid for it cause they didn't want to come get up. But on the cab ride home we were probably like half way and you know me I'm an emotional drunk and I think it hit be about how much Jaan really could care less about me and how much my friends at school aren't really my 'friends'. My sister held my hand and I cried. I missed you guys a lot at this point. But we got home and I wrote a blog and went on Facebook and then hit the sack. Oh me being the big baby and breaking down in the cab is me jumping in the hole by the way. Just to clarify. Thankfully I didn't do anything else stupid that would have metaphorically represented me being buried alive. Haha.

CRAZY!!

Too much alcohol

Well I was successfully drunk last night. About it being fun though, it was pretty mediocre. People just love to disappoint. Kels said that she would make my birthday great this year. And she really did try but somehow it turned out the same as always. I am no longer having birthday parties. 21 was the last. Dani I totally know what you mean about hating birthdays now. And I like presents too and I didn't even really get any of those. My sis got me something, and my godmother gave me money but that's it. My parents didn't even get me anything. I mean I know we are going on the cruise in August but she usually buys me a t-shirt or something anyways. I hate growing up. I would rather be naive of all the bad and hurt in the world. Go back to the simplicity of childhood. I love you guys! We will party next time I'm in Edmonton. Forget celebrating my birthday. We will celebrate our friendship. Hope you guys have an awesome weekend!!!

Disappointed again

I tried not to get my hopes up but shit always happens. I wish you guys could have been here. It would have made a difference. I should have just stayed home and drank with my sister in our hottub. It would have been just as fun if not more. I miss you guys. I try not to be dissappointed but somehow I am. My friends at school aren't my friends. They are people I go to school with. It's amazing. Why should I care, but I do. I cried on the way home in the cab. How ridiculous is that. I should have been having fun. But why would that happen. It's my b-day. Nothing ever goes right. Wanna be anywhere but here....

So, so

Today was an ok day. It wasn't bad but it wasn't awesome either. I had Art History this morning and I was pretty tired and my prof is really good at putting me to sleep. So that's what I did for a good chunk of the class. Haha. Oh well. Then Ii was down in glass visiting and I picked up my pieces from yesterday. They turned out not too bad. Then I went and worked on my photo project for this week which was actually pretty successful. So that's always good. Then I hung around in the library for like and hour and a half meaning to do my assignments but failed miserably. Haha. Oops! Then I went to get my tattoo touched up. Which was pretty quick. Then I was back at the glass shop, then I went home. So although my day was pretty activity filled it wasn't really all that exciting. I did watch Miami Ink for 2 hours tonight and it makes me want to get another tattoo even more. I'm hooked. But I still think I am getting my belly pierced. Probably next week. It's going to be crazy but I'm excited.

You know I am applying to the U of A and for photo at ACAD. But really, I think I really do want to major in glass. I mean I know it's kind of crazy and I have NO idea where I can go with that. But I love it, and that's important too. For now. I mean I could get a degree in it and then if I want to do something after, I will. I was talking to Deanna today and shes like by the time you graduate I should have enough money saved and stuff and we could open a shop together. I was like it could really happen. It's exciting to think about. I mean I know I need to think about it some more and it depends on what happens and stuff. But I may be staying here next year....

Awesome Day!!

Today was a good day. But first things first. Guys totally are the masters of witchcraft. Man they are just as bad if not worse than girls with messing with people. And they are the reason why we get so mad sometimes. I think that is the coolest shirt ever. Men are dumb. Haha. Oh and Leanne you should totally take the botany class on drug plants and inform us of everything you know! Haha. Could be interesting.

But anyhow my day today. This morning really wasn't all that exciting. I finished writing my paper and all that jazz. Then I went to school for English which was pretty crazy as usual but whatever. Then I went to work out at the SAIT gym. Which I have been doing for like 2 and some odd weeks now on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and I feel a lot better doing it. I do cardio and weights and a little bit of abs. Good times other than the fact that I am usually sore after. Then I went back to the school. I was in the hot shop chilling. Jim one of the teachers said I could blow some glass since no one was really in there but just after I started people came back so I gave up my spot. Oh well. I was in the library for awhile Facebooking. It's my new addiction and procrastination tool.

Then I went back downstairs and I was talking with one of the class technicians and we were having a good convo about glass and making a career of it and all. Then he said that because there was space tonight he wouldn't care if I blew some glass. He would be around to supervise. So I was stoked. I was in there for awhile. I made 3 pieces. They weren't anything crazy but I was just getting back into the flow and practicing. It was good. It made me really happy. And Jaan was helping me out and giving me some tips and actually having normal conversation which was nice for a change. Therefor I was even more happy! So all around it was a pretty awesome night. I had fun anyhow. I was like in a dancing mood. It was great. This is the first time I have been really happy in awhile here. I was smiling from ear to ear. YAY HAPPINESS. We will see how long that last with the rest of this crazy week but I am looking forward to Thursday rolling around. Then the fun really begins!!

Hope you have a great week and I will send you lots of loving text messages when I am out for my bday. <3

:) - Kim