200th BLOG!!!!

Surprisingly for the amount I blab and how often I post I really thought I would be way past that by now. Guess not. And the stupid thing is the last like 50 blogs (not actually counting) have been about being here, boys, Jaan in particular. And why should this one be any different. That is all my life seems to revolve around lately. Really I think that's all I have to blog about, there is more to my life, just not as interesting. Plus my blog in a way is sort of like a diary, even though diaries are usually private. But only people I would tell this stuff too know about my blog anyways. Blogging gets everything out on the page for me to think about. I mean I don't even expect you guys to care about most of it anymore. Because you have heard most of it before and I know it can get tedious. But what can I say, I can't seem to help it.

Now on to the actual blog. Today was interesting but also frustrating. I just wish I knew where Jaan was coming from. He makes no sense. Guys are confusing. And I am pretty sure I am getting mixed signals. Up, down, up, down. I see him today, he sits down next me to on the bench. We are randomly talking about not much. He takes out this phone and it like check out this text message I sent Teri earlier. It said something like "Salutation exclamation noun verb question mark." I was ok... Not really understanding. Then hes like it means like "Hey! How are you?" or something like that. I was ok I get it. He thought it was clever. I was like if I got a text message like that I would be thinking what kind of drugs are you on. Now I don't know if the text message really matters... why would he mention Teri in particular unless it meant something?? Am I crazy? I want to ask him. But it would have had to have been done then. Anyhow more conversation and talking about people and whatnot. Then somehow we get into a conversation where he is showing off his muscles and it like you don't want to mess with this. SO SHOWING OFF!!! There is no way that can't be showing off. Totally looking for praise, right?? I was like oh yeah. Did you hit up the gym. He's like yeah I was just there. I try to go three times a week for at least 20 minutes you know cause every little bit matters. And last but not least there is that part I already told Leanne. It was me and him and another 4th year (a Chinese women who has kids and is older but is totally awesome) chatting about glass and courses and whatnot. We were talking about the courses I would take next year if I was going into glass. All that fun stuff. But then I mention that you know I don't know for sure yet if I am even going back there, and that I am terrible at making decisions. Then Jaan kindly pipes in well I'm not going to be here, with a smile. I looked at him and I am sooo glad that I was sitting forward because I turned away and I am pretty sure I was probably BRIGHT red. Totally embarrassing. Jung-Yee is like oh yeah you are going to be in Australia and he says hopefully. But I am pretty sure that wasn't the point he was getting at. He was totally looking for me to be embarrassed, am I right?? Then he's like I should go blow some glass and he disappears into the hot shop. OK.

Continuing on in my day. I went back to drawing for like 45 minutes then I went back down to glass cause Tyler (one of the teachers) was doing a demo. I ended up staying cause I wanted to see and Jung-Yee is like we need an audience, cause they were filming for it. So I stayed of course (causing me to miss the rest of my drawing class because I was gone for over an hour). I wish you could read people by their actions and facial expressions cause he was all smiles and was looking at me. We were randomly laughing and having a good old time. I might have bruised his ego a little bit though. When the piece was almost done it was pretty big. Anyways, he is always so dynamic and was like "It's a BIG ONE!!" I don't know why but I responded with "Thanks for stating the obvious tips." Kinda funny. But I think he took it a little seriously cause he was quiet for a bit. Hahaha. Leave it to me when I like a guy to not be able to flirt with him and go with his cockiness and be like wow your arms are really big and grab them like some girls might do, but bash him when he makes a comment all in fun. I don't make sense either. PEOPLE DO NOT MAKE SENSE.

At this rate clearly I am thinking nothing is going to happen. Well I had a dream the other day that was like the last day of school and I was like well I don't know if I will see you, so I hug Jaan (because I usually don't even though Dave gives hugs all the time) and then as I am backing away I'm like I wish you would have given me a chance, it could have been fun. And I walk away. What is with that. Me planning my pardons with the whole situation. I don't get him, I don't me, I don't get this situation. I just wish he would be less flirty with me since he said no to me. And the worst part is, I don't even know if he entirely realizes it because truthfully he is a flirty person in general, from what I gather. So maybe I am getting more out of it. Whatever is going on it's hard on a girls emotions. Now that Deanna knows about me liking him though it's a little easier cause I know I can talk to her. She is like yes he is cocky and I don't know what his deal it but keep your chin up. Seriously I could see her lasting as a good friend. She is a good replacement for you guys at school when I don't have you there for me all the time. I'm not sure what I would do without her. And she is the ONLY one from school who came to my b-day. That means something.

PS - I kinda wish I had never met Jaan's ex (if she still is...). I mean I met her, and I know she is really nice, and skinny, and blond, and pretty and I find myself wanting to know about her; I think because I am comparing myself to her. Which sucks. I wish I could take her out of the equation because it ruins everything. Haha. Obviously. Boys, good or bad??? I'm not so sure anymore. And then there is my horoscope today: "It sounds like a fairy tale, but the right person will come along when you need them. In the meantime, remember what's important to you. Upholding your standards will make the wait worthwhile." I sure hope so. Haha. Anyhow I think that is enough out of me for one reading/night. Peace out.