That's all I wanted

Well Jaan sent me a long text message tonight. Haha. When I got it I really didn't want to read it. I don't know why but I was like I don't know if I want and answer, even though I was hoping all day he would message me back. I'm crazy I know. Anyways, I actually got Kelsey to read it first. She was laughing because his text messages are usually pretty crazy. Anyways, basically it said that he got all my messages (I'm thinking he's thinking I'm a stalker) and that he was sorry for not answering back. Then he tells me the whole situation why he hasn't been answering me. Basically he has been talking to his ex, who really hasn't been his ex for all that long and it's really got him confused. I am having flash backs to my sister and Nick breaking up and getting back together a few times, so I can kind of understand where he is coming from. He said he doesn't know what's going on up in his head. So obviously I need to give him some space to work shit out, and I can't be bitter about that, it's fair. The only part that kind of bugged me was that he said he appreciated me. That is kind of a weird way to say that you enjoy someones company. I'm not so sure for the better for me. But at least I know now. I felt like such a stupid ass before, and embarrassed. I was leaving the school today when I finally saw him. I was going to wish him a happy birthday but I couldn't get the guts to do it, so I walked right past. I felt like such an idiot. I did send him a text message though and he said thanks for the message so that's good at least. It's weird because I am kind of sad now, knowing the truth, but I feel so much better knowing. Maybe I can move on now. I think before I got ideas in my head that I could steal him away, because some people were telling me they have seen it happen. But now that he might be getting back together with her and it seems like he isn't really interested in that way I have finally seen the light. Like I said, I'm still sad and obviously I'm not getting over him instantly but maybe it will be easier now. I feel different, like I know. I would still love to be his friend, and I think we could have a lot of fun, just no more then that. Looking for someone new!

Good Weekend

Well this weekend was a combination on chilling and craziness as usual. Friday Leanne and I hung out and watched multiple episodes of Sex in the City as well as My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and made our own tasty pasta and chicken dinner. We went to bed by like 1 am. Not too crazy.

Saturday we did our usual hanging out, chatting, grocery shopping adventures. Started drinking at 4pm. We were all decently drunk for the majority of the night. We make our way to O'Burns for some dinner and another drink. Then we went back to the house. At this point it was only like 10 pm. So we headed over To Kyle R's house because the original plan was to get some weed. Anyhow, Dani ended up going home and Leanne and I hung out on Whyte Ave with Kyle and peeps. We ended up going to Bar Wild. Which was alright because I am pretty sure neither of us paid for a drink and I was having an awesome time chatting with people. Then we attempted to find a cab driver that was willing to take 5 people in a car, we succeeded eventually. Headed back to Kyle's place and drank some more as well as smoked some weed. I was actually high for the first time ever. And it was awesome. Haha. I had a good time anyways. Me and Leanne went home at like 3:30 or so. I made some toast because I for sure had the munchies. Then I hit the sac at 4:30 but I was still up at 10 this morning.

I had the weirdest hang over today though. I'm sure the weed helped with that. The drive home was the shits but what can I say. The whole weekend was pretty awesome as usual. I can always count on a good time with my girls. Thanks for making me happy!

I did do a few stupid things, like text message Jaan when I had told myself I wouldn't. I'm terrible. And he probably thinks I'm like a stalker now. Whatever. Knowing him he will act like everything is the exact same as usual. GRRRR. And I can't even be mean tomorrow because it's his b-day. What the hell is with that. I am one messed up person. Oh well. Everything will unfold into one big mess at some point. My life is crazy, I'm crazy. Peace.

I want my old life back

You know it's not that I haven't enjoyed the last year or that ACAD is a bad school. I just miss the consistency of my old life. Of who I used to be. I mean University changed me in a way, I broke out of my shell a bit. But my life now is just making me crazy. I was happy before with friends, random make outs with randoms, school stress, whatever. I mean now, I have work to do but it's different. I seem to have more free time, maybe because I finish a lot of stuff at school, and the work load is different. I mean don't get me wrong the stress I used to deal with wasn't that great but it felt so normal. I don't feel normal anymore. School doesn't make me stressed, and it almost makes me feel unaccomplished. I also got used to sort of liking guys from a distance and moving on. With Jaan I see him so much and I have gotten so hooked that I am finding it so hard to escape. I want to because I know that it only makes me upset I just haven't figured out how I'm going to do it yet. I just have to make it through 2 more months. And then I may never see him again. Can I do it? The worst part is I can't just stop visiting the glass department because I have made some really good friends and I would miss seeing them. I'm not sure who I would hang out with. Haha. I barely go out as it is. The point is I think the stress in my life is more personal now then before. School stress and this stress is so much different. I would rather be stressed about tests right now. This messing with my emotions thing sucks and you guys know me, I can be a pretty emotional person as it is so this is terrible. You know this makes me do the what if too. Like what if I had gotten in at the U of A. What would have happened. What if I stayed in Sciences. Really it's the what the fuck am I going to do now thing. I dunno. I really have no idea. I wish I knew what I even wanted. I don't even know what I want to be. How do I go to school for something if I don't know what that something is. I am starting to think I should find another school and go there and really get away from here. Like move to BC or East coast. I dunno. I looked up some architecture schools online one day, and I was thinking about it. I wish I didn't have to make choices. Unfortunately for me my family is terrible at making choices. I think I need to seriously sit down and consider my options. Leave everyone out of it and figure out what I need to do for me. Even if that means going to a very strange place and knowing no one. I mean who am I going to rely on if I move out to the East. I will know no one. THOUGHTS THOUGHTS THOUGHTS.

I give up, I GIVE UP!

I seriously give up on life. On finding a guy, and having fun, and being happy. That's it. I no longer care. What's the point. Hell it's not even in the stars. My Chinese new year horoscope even said that this year isn't a good year for relationships for me. WHY WOULD IT BE, IT'S NEVER A GOOD TIME! You know I was thinking of getting my belly pierced and maybe even another tattoo. I think I am going through some sort of quarter life crisis. This is how I am going to deal with my emptiness. Tattoos and piercings. Maybe I'm thinking it will get me more attention, that I will actually mean something to someone, to anyone. Be interesting. I dunno. Why do I even try. It gets me no where. NO WHERE. I HATE BEING ANGRY ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS. IT SHOULDN'T MATTER THIS MUCH! Why do I care now? What's changed? I cannot wait to go to Edmonton and hang with you guys. That is seriously the only time I ever feel normal. As normal as I can be.

Random Survey

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Kim
Birthday:	March 15
Birthplace:	Calgary
Current Location:	Calgary
Eye Color:	Green
Hair Color:	Brown
Height:	5'7"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	German, Polish, Ukrainian
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Black Sketchers
Your Weakness:	Shopping, Clothes, and I'm gullible
Your Fears:	Not finding the right person and having no family
Your Perfect Pizza:	Meat, mushrooms, fresh tomatos
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Gain some confidence
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	lol or haha
Thoughts First Waking Up:	How much longer can I let this go on with Jaan
Your Best Physical Feature:	My eyes, or ass
Your Bedtime:	Whenever, but usually around midnight
Your Most Missed Memory:	Holidays, being out on the boat
Pepsi or Coke:	I drink both but probably Coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	McDonalds for breakfast, BK for burgers
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Nestea
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Neither
Do you Smoke:	No
Do you Swear:	Umm yeah I have a trucker mouth sometimes
Do you Sing:	In my car
Do you Shower Daily:	Hahaha not always
Have you Been in Love:	Nope
Do you want to go to College:	Already am
Do you want to get Married:	Sure do
Do you belive in yourself:	Not always
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Nope
Do you think you are Attractive:	It depends on the day, not usually
Are you a Health Freak:	I like my fruits and veggies
Do you get along with your Parents:	Sure do
Do you like Thunderstorms:	I love em, especially on the lake
Do you play an Instrument:	I use to play the clarinet
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Yep
In the past month have you Smoked:	Nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Nope
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	Nooooo
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	Umm no
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	Nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	No
Ever been Drunk:	Hahaha sure have
Ever been called a Tease:	Hahaha nope
Ever been Beaten up:	Not really
Ever Shoplifted:	Nope
How do you want to Die:	I dunno in my sleep of old age, or sky diving
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	I have no frickin clue
What country would you most like to Visit:	Anywhere in Europe
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	No preference
Favourite Hair Color:	Not really particular, maybe brown
Short or Long Hair:	Short
Height:	Tall. Haha at least 6 feet
Weight:	More than me, like 180
Best Clothing Style:	Sporty
Number of Drugs I have taken:	One
Number of CDs I own:	I have no idea, a lot
Number of Piercings:	5 for now
Number of Tattoos:	One
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	I try not to regret but there is always something
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

haha do sad...

Job, etc.

So I got a job at Linens N' Things. I'm sure it will be ok. My first shift is tomorrow and I am going to find out what they are paying me cause they haven't said yet. If it's not good enough I may turn them down. Home Depot called me for an interview today too so we will see what happens. I don't even know where I would rather work. Home Depot would be handy for school projects but Linens N' Things might be good for presents. I dunno.

I still haven't talked to Jaan. I don't see him alone much. I am hoping Thurday I will get a chance to ask him. I just want to be like so you still interested in going to a movie sometime. It's a yes or no thing. If he says yes though what do I say then. Ask him when, suggest a time, ask what kind of movies he likes to watch. I HAVE NO IDEA PEOPLE!! I am doomed. I was doomed to fail at this from the beginning.

Updates to come I'm sure.

Boo

So much for that idea. He left after like an hour. I can't fucking win. I mean I guess I should have known it would be hard to talk to him there but I didn't think he would leave that early. Whatever. I'm too much of a creeper anyways. I am going to talk to him monday. After that I quit!

It will get better

So I have discovered that all of this emotion and inner turmoil I have been struggling with lately is tiring me out. I mean in the summer, when I am happy and doing things I love I can go forever. I don't need that much sleep and I am more myself. Why can't I be like that now, why can't I be myself? I think I am trying too hard to be every ones friend and to impress. I can't do that anymore. I need to figure out what's important and concentrate on that. I can't stand the headaches anymore, the crying, the retardedness. When have I ever been this bad? Can any of you say that I have been this down for such a long period of time before? I mean seriously being with you guys is the one time I have been really happy in the last month. It makes me realize how important you really are to me and I'm glad that you are here for me everyday, when I need you, and I am happy to be here for you too. I am happy that I am needed.

Spinning around in my car the other day really made me appreciate how lucky I am and how I have a chance to do something with my life. I'm healthy, I'm doing well in school, I have friends and family, so what's my problem. Carrie Underwood's song Jesus take the wheel is totally what I need to think about right now. I'm sorry for all the stupid things I may have done in the past, the pain I may have caused. I need to start making decisions, being active in my own life. I can't keep going like this, I'll die of regret and sadness.

I am going to make choice, I am going to act on those choices and I am going to make my life happy again. I like to keep busy and I am always tired of being alone and I can't keep spending all this time at school cause it is going to make me crazy and they always say guys find it more attractive when you have your own life and are ok with doing your own thing! Therefore I am getting another job. I'm not sure Ricky's was right for me so I am trying something else. I applied for a few places closer to home. I have an interview tomorrow morning at Linens n' Things. I think I would like it there. I am going to spend more time on my school work and get my grades up which should help if I wanna apply to a few places again. Spend less time in glass, because I am crazy and I think I have almost become a Taylor from the OC and stalking Jaan in a way. I mean I haven't gotten that far but it's almost ridiculous. Plus Dave is a bad influence on my studies, he's always like you don't need to go to class, oh you can write a paper the morning it's due. Maybe he can, but I can't and I need these grades, for my future and my pride. I need to know I am doing something right.

Lat of all I am going to ask Jaan out in person and get a straight answer. I can't wait not knowing anymore, always wondering. I mean sure he said yes in a way, but it's a lot easier to do with a text message just like it was easier for me to ask. Tomorrow when I see him, it's going to be straight up. If he says no then I'll be straight up and say ok just thought I would ask. If he says yes then I will ask if he wants to go next week sometime. Like I said take action in my own life. If he says no there isn't anything I can do about it. I understand when the feelings aren't returned, I've been on that end a few times. I just can't not know anymore. Plus Lana (this girl in second year glass) said she might know some people, I might actually take her up on that. And I haven't known her that long but we get along really well and she is such a nice person and bubbly you can't help but give her a chance. Who knows it could be fun right?? I need to give myself some credit, be more confident in who I am. I am who I am, there is a reason I know almost everyone in the glass department, I make conversation, I get in there and introduce myself. It hasn't done me any harm yet. I just need to be myself, because that is the person that you guys know, the person you love! Haha. Wish me luck, I may need it.

What a shitty day!

So I don't feel like elaborating much but I have to put it out there. If I say more I may start crying again. I was driving to school on 16th Ave. this morning and changing lanes I lost control of my car and was spinning. I was super lucky no one was around and I was able to get stopped and then get myself in the right direction and carry on. However it freaked the hell out of me and I have been in a weird mood all day because of it, and have broken into tears a few times. I was at a gallery for 3 hours for my class this afternoon and all I wanted to do was get out of there. I went down to glass after to help make mugs for a fundraising sale and I usually help a lot but I basically had nothing to do tonight. There were pairs of people and there wasn't much for me to help with. I am not sure why I stayed the whole time, but I did and I think it was a waste. It felt like no one even cared that I showed up to help, and that I couldn't, even though I am in that shop a hell of a lot more than a lot of people that were there tonight. So I just got even more pissed as the night went on and it isn't getting any better right now. Actually I think talking about it is making it worse. So anyhow, that was my retarded day and I still want to yell in Jaan's face. The end.

I totally agree

BLOG:
"Learning to accept yourself is key to learning how to accept another person. Once you look at the whole of your personality and accept those disparate parts, you'll find it ever so much easier to understand someone else."

EERRAAAHHHGRRRR

I am so frustrated with people, actually Jaan in particular. My title of this blog is exactly what I would like to scream in him face out of frustration. Why would he say yes if he planned on acting normal and totally ignore the situation. Actually I have to wonder if he is acting weird now... Grrrr. I hate men. They think we are complicated. HA! They are just as bad if not worse. Seriously. This is ridiculous. I am going to try and ask him in person tomorrow about it. If he doesn't answer or brushes it off that is it. I am done!!!! Lana, this 2nd year girl, said that she knows some guy friends if I am interested. I might take her up on it at this rate. I always get worked up about this stuff. Breath, breath, breath. It will be ok. It will.

Not Sure if I Like it or Hate it Here

I am constantly weighting the pros and cons of staying here in Calgary to go to school or trying to go back to Edmonton. I mean I thought I loved it here but now I am not so sure. Classes are pretty good but I have no idea what I want to do. Glass would be fun but seriously where would I get with that. Probably no where. And I’m still not sure that I really want to do glass for four years or if I just like hanging out and helping people. And really most of my good memories come from when I was in Edmonton with my friends and meeting people. I never go out here. I think I have been to the bar 3 times this entire year in Calgary. Personally I think that is sad. And it’s not even that I don’t want to it’s the fact that I really don’t know anyone to go with. Not like you guys. I hang out with the glass people, and I am becoming pretty good friends with them, but not good enough. I hang with them when it has to do with glass. Other then that they all have other lives, I don’t. I haven’t met many other people. I would love to go out with some of the people I know in other circumstances but I don’t know if they realize they are my only friends. I mean they will ask me what are you up to tonight, and I almost always say nothing. But that doesn’t seem to matter. They do their thing and very rarely am I invited to go with. Seriously I wouldn’t even care if I was hanging out with a bunch of guys right now. I usually do fine with them anyways. No one cares about me the way you guys do.

Actually now that I really think about it, I hate my life here. If I could move the program I am in at ACAD to Edmonton I would move back in a heartbeat. I like school here but that is the only reason why I am still here. I kind of wish I never met Jaan. It probably would have made this year so much easier for me socially. If I had the will power to stay away I would. But I can’t. And the only reason why I say that is because if I don’t hang out there and with them when I can I really would be a looser. I would be at home half the time and in class every other time and I wouldn’t go out at all and my life would be even sadder than it already is. EERRRRRR. I am so angry right now. They don’t care, no one does. I should have just left well enough alone. Why did I have to ask Jaan? Why did he have to answer and say yes. He doesn’t care. We probably will never go. I mean I might try and bring it up, but why bother. I wish I could just find a guy to make out with. I really would love to do that right now. Oh here is another thing. I have been thinking about calling Marco up lately and seeing if he wants to hang out because I hate my social life so much. He’s better than nothing. But I don’t want to resort to anything. :( I am not having a pointless relationship. I need to meet some random in a chat room and hang out with him. That would make my life more interesting.

What the hell is my problem? WHO AM I?????