So I have discovered that all of this emotion and inner turmoil I have been struggling with lately is tiring me out. I mean in the summer, when I am happy and doing things I love I can go forever. I don't need that much sleep and I am more myself. Why can't I be like that now, why can't I be myself? I think I am trying too hard to be every ones friend and to impress. I can't do that anymore. I need to figure out what's important and concentrate on that. I can't stand the headaches anymore, the crying, the retardedness. When have I ever been this bad? Can any of you say that I have been this down for such a long period of time before? I mean seriously being with you guys is the one time I have been really happy in the last month. It makes me realize how important you really are to me and I'm glad that you are here for me everyday, when I need you, and I am happy to be here for you too. I am happy that I am needed.
Spinning around in my car the other day really made me appreciate how lucky I am and how I have a chance to do something with my life. I'm healthy, I'm doing well in school, I have friends and family, so what's my problem. Carrie Underwood's song Jesus take the wheel is totally what I need to think about right now. I'm sorry for all the stupid things I may have done in the past, the pain I may have caused. I need to start making decisions, being active in my own life. I can't keep going like this, I'll die of regret and sadness.
I am going to make choice, I am going to act on those choices and I am going to make my life happy again. I like to keep busy and I am always tired of being alone and I can't keep spending all this time at school cause it is going to make me crazy and they always say guys find it more attractive when you have your own life and are ok with doing your own thing! Therefore I am getting another job. I'm not sure Ricky's was right for me so I am trying something else. I applied for a few places closer to home. I have an interview tomorrow morning at Linens n' Things. I think I would like it there. I am going to spend more time on my school work and get my grades up which should help if I wanna apply to a few places again. Spend less time in glass, because I am crazy and I think I have almost become a Taylor from the OC and stalking Jaan in a way. I mean I haven't gotten that far but it's almost ridiculous. Plus Dave is a bad influence on my studies, he's always like you don't need to go to class, oh you can write a paper the morning it's due. Maybe he can, but I can't and I need these grades, for my future and my pride. I need to know I am doing something right.
Lat of all I am going to ask Jaan out in person and get a straight answer. I can't wait not knowing anymore, always wondering. I mean sure he said yes in a way, but it's a lot easier to do with a text message just like it was easier for me to ask. Tomorrow when I see him, it's going to be straight up. If he says no then I'll be straight up and say ok just thought I would ask. If he says yes then I will ask if he wants to go next week sometime. Like I said take action in my own life. If he says no there isn't anything I can do about it. I understand when the feelings aren't returned, I've been on that end a few times. I just can't not know anymore. Plus Lana (this girl in second year glass) said she might know some people, I might actually take her up on that. And I haven't known her that long but we get along really well and she is such a nice person and bubbly you can't help but give her a chance. Who knows it could be fun right?? I need to give myself some credit, be more confident in who I am. I am who I am, there is a reason I know almost everyone in the glass department, I make conversation, I get in there and introduce myself. It hasn't done me any harm yet. I just need to be myself, because that is the person that you guys know, the person you love! Haha. Wish me luck, I may need it.
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