crazy

You know what makes the least sense about my last blog. I actually had fun that night. No complaints. So I'm not sure why I came home and got all depressed and wanted to cry. Makes NO SENSE. I'm just plain crazy with crazy emotions. It's like a fricken roller coaster!

School

I'm just as confussed if not more confussed than ever about what I should do for school next year. Seriously a lot of this has to do with school but so many of my influences are people and what they have to say that are really what are on my mind. No matter how much I try to make this not about emotion but what is best for me in the long run it doesn't work. It matters what you guys say, it matters what other people say about ACAD. Everything matters. I mean tonight Jaan said that I would miss glass if I didn't go back next year. And really I think he might be right. I loved it, I do love it. But I just don't know if it's the right thing either. I think once I am away from it for awhile I will see how much it really effects me. I'm scared... I know that taking chances and making mistakes is the only way I am going to figure myself and my life out but I'm still scared shitless. And sometimes I'm not sure who to turn to. That's going to be the worst part about staying in Calgary if I do, I feel so alone sometimes. I'm going to be crying myself to sleep once again this year. It's all to familiar. WHAT IS RIGHT FOR ME? WHAT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY? Some divine spirit please tell me. AAAHHHH

.....bah

So I have not written in a week which is quite a stretch for me and yet I still don't have much to day but I have this desire to write, to inform, to entertain. I am done school for the year and it kinda feels weird but at the same time i don't feel done because I know I have to go back to the school for random reasons and when it doesn't feel like the U of A done. There it always helped that I was moving out of rez, seemed more permanent. Anyhow, things are still pretty crazy for me this week. Working at the airport all week all day, worked at LNT yesterday and tonight. Still got to put my portfolio together for U of A, you guys are coming, trying to have some fun before work really starts, have this ACAD grad show to go to. Craziness, but not any more crazy than anyone else.

I have this feeling that this summer is going to be insane and complicated for me and it almost worries me. I'm scared. I guess I really didn't want school to end because I am realizing that me having to make a decision about school and life is inevitable, and it's scaring me. You know me, I hate decisions and I struggle with them so this summer is going to be torture until I figure out what I am doing. I still need to go over the tests I did with the counselors in depth because I am still so very confused. I keep getting this exciting feeling about moving out and doing something but I don't even know if I am! I seriously need to get my brain and heart and gut together and agreeing. They all seem to be pulling me in different directions. It's terrible really. I wish I understood myself better, because maybe then I would be able to make the decision that's right for me. I dunno.

I have narrowed them though. I have decided that I am not going to go into Photography. I mean I enjoy it and it's a good hobby but I don't think I could do it all the time for people, I like pictures for me. So the choices are now U of A Design, ACAD Glass or Saskatoon BA in business more likely. I think part of the problem is I am a facts person and I can be very logical and to make this decision I know I am going to have to weigh my options, take all things into account and so on. It won't be easy. In the end I think I'm going to have to go with my gut, because thinking just gets me frustrated. Whatever feels right, whatever I dream about, have ideas for. What I plan for without realizing it. I'm hoping it will come to me in some sort of divine revelation! Wouldn't that be nice. Haha.

Anyhow, one last part of this random blog. I really want this Nat Burkas bedding stuff at work right. Well it's super expensive and wouldn't make any sense to buy, I'd be crazy, cause it's like over $300 for a comforter. Anyhow they are having a sale right now and it's 25% off all of his stuff and then I would get my 25% off too so it's not too bad anymore right? You have no idea how much I am in love with this bedding, I have wanted it since I started working there. Anyhow, I am trying to decide and I was looking at them tonight and I realize that all of his stuff is dry clean only. So now I'm thinking it's no such a good choice. I don't wash my comforter much but if it got dirty it would cost me a fortune to clean. And almost all other things you can wash and dry as usual. So now I am debating if it is really worth it. Something else to think about. Always things invading my busy mind!

But yeah hope all your tests have gone well and any left go just as well and I can't wait to see you all soon!!

Idiot!

I am an idiot. What have I been thinking? Where has my head been? I seriously have to wonder where my priorites lie. I hate making decisions and I let stupid things influence them. Why does choosing a school and a career have to be so fucking difficult for me? And what am I expecting to happen with my choice? And I have no idea why I would have thought that this would be any different. BBBBBAAAAAHHHHHH IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT. I am kinda mad at myself and it doesn't even make sense, this blog doesn't make sense. Don't try making sense of it. I was happy all day until this moment.

YAY PICKLES!

I love pickles. It's funny how all three of us love pickles of all things. I came home from the bar tonight and I had pickles and triscuits and cream cheese. SO GOOD! It was awesome. Tonight was a good time. Cowboys very rarely disappoints. My shirt randomly broke however. The strap like detached from the front of my shirt. A girl pointed it out to me. Luckily my sis had a safety pin she could spare so I could still dance. Otherwise I would have had to hold my shirt up for the rest of the night. How terrible would that be?? Anyways, I really should go to sleep. Talk to you all later!

Summer is almost here!

It's so hard to believe that I am going to be done school at the end of next week. It's crazy. I was driving along so smoothly and now everything is coming to a crashing halt, out of nowhere. I'm not sure what to do. So much was happening this week, tons of stuff happening the next few weeks and then BAM summer and working. And my decision on a school approaching quickly. I have gone to see a counselor though and taking some random aptitude test like things so they are going to try and help me figure out what a good choice may be based on everything we talk about. Crazyness I tell yeah. MIND BOGGLE. And I know I'm not the only one. I'm sure you guys are freaking out about shit too. Insanity, it's all insanity. I gotta sleep, I didn't much last night and now I am not functioning normally. Have a good weekend girls!

Bah!

I fuckin' hate myself sometimes. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I can't make decisions, and I don't know why I have crazy emotions sometimes. I was pretty much fine all weekend and then a few hours ago I some how worked myself into a bad mood thinking about all the shit that is going on and the decisions I have to make and who I'm going to piss off or whatever in the process. Bah! I am stressing myself out and upsetting myself for stupid things. And I am trying to do what I need to do to make myself happy but nothing ever works out the easy way and someone always has something to say. I feel like I am always being judged. Who cares what I do if it makes me fucking happy? Why do I have to explain myself? What if it just feels right, you know? I need people in my life because I don't do well by myself but at the same time I fucking hate having to choose or to justify what I do. I dunno. It's weird because it's all about people. They can make your life fun but they can make it difficult too. I guess that's life, it wouldn't be very interesting without it. I just wish it wasn't so complicated sometimes.

Not much to say

I have wanted to write another blog all week but every time I go to write one I'm like I don't really have anything to say. It's kinda sad. I guess my week has been relatively uneventful. Friday night I went to babysit Cole and Shelby out in Bragg Creek. It was fun. I love those kids. They are almost always good for me. Drove home and went to bed at like 2 then had to work at 9 in the morning. I was the only person on the floor for like 2 hours that morning before anyone was scheduled to come in. I was super busy all day because I had my jobs to do in my department and then I was cashing half of the time because I was also the only other person in the store that knew how to do cash and they only had one cashier on for most of the day. So when it got busy I did cash. It was crazy.

Then last night me and Kelsey went out to Ship and Anchor on 17th to meet up with Jeremy. The guy from Saskatoon. So we had a drink with him and his friend. Chatted a bunch. It was a good time. Then me and Kels left, went and got pizza then walked back to the train station to go home. I didn't get to bed super early last night either but I slept in till like 9:30. Which isn't bad considering I don't sleep in much anymore. I was planning to draw today and catch up on homework. But I didn't. I did laundry, cleaned my bathroom, worked out, and went to visit my sister at work instead. If I stay here to go to school there is no way I am taking another drawing class. I hate them. I would rather take Art History. Which most people would think I am crazy for. So yeah now I am screwed for this week. But that's ok. I'll live.

The next couple of weeks are going to be absolutely insane however. I may want to shoot myself by the end of it. I will need to get very drunk that's for sure. I have been talking to Matt a bunch. He's a lot of fun to talk to, and he actually answers my text messages. Haha. But it's all fun right. You guys can see what he sort of looks like now. He joined Facebook today so find him in my friends if you wanna see a picture. It's funny looking at a picture of him and thinking of Jaan I kinda realized again how much different we are in the type of guys we like. Haha. We all have our preferences, lol.

Random Stories

First of all, do you guys remember reading my blog and how I mentioned one of Dave's friends Jeremy from the weekend. Well he's kind of random and crazy. Very blunt with comments, likes to mess with people. A male version of Leanne really, but crazier. ;) (It's not a bad thing that I am comparing you to him by the way). Anyhow, I was talking to Ash tonight about random stuff and she mentions to me that Jeremy asked for my number and she gave it to him because she didn't see it as a big deal. Neither do I, I think it's kind of funny actually. She also informs me that he will probably actually call me, sooner rather than later. I found that interesting as well. What I am really curious about is why he actually wanted my number... I guess I will have to wait and see.

Second story involves Jaan. I don't like him anymore, just to clarify. I mean I think he could be a good friend, entertaining, because I still find him funny and a fucking awesome glass blower but he's a douche too. I sent him a text message Friday night saying, "Here's the deal. I'm attracted to you and I would love to hang out and have some fun. But if aren't interested at all just say so." Well he didn't get back to me so I naturally assumed that was a no. Well he decides to text message me back finally, today. He says, "Sry, no fun." That's a no. But what a lazy ass. Lame text message and he can't even actually spell sorry. Then I see him like an hour later today and everything is normal. He is acting like nothing happened. Which is good I guess, but very strange also. Whateves. I don't care anymore, he can be a douche all he likes. I probably won't see him after April 30th anyways. It's crazy how shits happens.

Clarify

I think I need to clarify about what's going on. Yes I may have had an awesome weekend and I may be now thinking about going to Saskatoon but really it's just another option. I'm not even sure I see it happening. And the idea really wasn't because of Matt. I have heard a lot of good things about U of S long before this and being there this weekend just made me realize that it could be another option. I spent no more then 36 hours with Matt. You can't know that much about a person in such a short time. I mean I thought Jaan would be an awesome guy too and look at the douche he turned out to be. Yeah.... I know I would be stupid if I made a decision about school based on that. I'm just trying to find where I belong. You guys know that I have struggled this year, trying to be happy. There is more to life than just school as well and I'm not happy in Calgary for the most part. I haven't made any really solid friends here. And I have cried myself to sleep so many times this year I have to wonder what my issue is. I really don't mind my family in living at home but I think that I feel restricted. I miss making my own choices and doing what I wanna do without telling someone what that is all the time. And like I said I don't think I'm ready to get out and get a 9-5 job. I like the security of school and knowing what to expect. But moving out also gives me a little more responsibility. Balance. I dunno, I am really confused right now. No decisions will be made for awhile. More thinking. I just need to take everything into consideration.

Best Weekend Ever!

I think this is the best weekend that I have had all year. Not saying that the weekends with guys weren't awesome but I was doing something totally different and I was happy all weekend and that was definitely improved by a guy. Anyways, I'll give you the basics about what I was up to this weekend.

Friday I went to school for like an hour. I parked in front of the school instead of in the parking lot because I was being cheap and then I ended up getting a $40 parking ticket which really pissed me off and made me super angry. But anyhow I drove to Saskatoon. It's usually a 6-7 hour drive for most people. I did it from door to door in about 5.5 hours. It was awesome. I just cruised and the roads are pretty much super flat so it wasn't anything to crazy or excited. I was kept occupied almost the whole time too because it's only a 2 lane highway so passing is a little trickier. I am pretty sure I scared a few people coming the other way a couple of times but I wouldn't have passed if I knew I couldn't make it. Some people are just over cautious. But yeah it was a good time. Cranked my music, stopped once for gas and I was good.

That night was the party thing I was going to for the Vet school here for Ashley's program. It was pretty good. We went and had pot luck food and had a few drinks after I got to Saskatoon. Then we got on a couple of buses and headed out to this hoe down thing. It's actually held in this old building that used to be a brothel that is in the middle of nowhere east of Saskatoon. It was a pretty good time. I saw a few people I met during the summer when they came to Calgary for Stampede. We drank and danced and ate food. It wasn't too bad at all. I think we finally got back to Ashley's place around 2:30 maybe 3. Then we hit the sack. I ate like half a cracker before I brushed my teeth and passed out. By then I wasn't really drunk anymore because I had stopped drinking at like midnight, but I was tired, that drive takes a lot out of you. I didn't really sleep in much Saturday because I wasn't super tired and Dave's bird Blue decided at somewhere around 10:30 that is was time for me to wake up. Chirp, chirp, chirp. Haha. But we all chilled in our pj's and chatted for most of the day. At like 4 we decided it was time to finally start getting ready and making food. Ash had to work at 6 so she took me and Dave to a liquor store and then drove us over to Dave's friends house.

This is where my weekend gets interesting. This house is owned by his friend Matt (the guy that I happened to fall head over heals for, lol). And he has 2 roommates living with him that pay rent because apparently he had this serious girlfriend at one point and they got this house and then they broke up so he payed her share of the house off and now the boys pay rent to live there. Anyhow, I met these three guys, Matt, Dave, and Danny. They are all pretty good looking. Another thing I discovered this weekend is they call each other by there last names a lot because there is more than one Matt, Dave, Jen, and whoever else in there group of friends. So anyways I meet these guys along with a few other ones already at the house because apparently some of them spend more time there then they do at their own homes. lol. About 10 minutes after I got there we were already playing video games. Nintendo Wii is fucking awesome Leanne now I totally get what you mean. So we played that for a few hours then we headed to the first pub/ bar to wait to get on the buses to start our pub crawl. We started at The Pat, then went to Rodeo's (I think that's what it's called) and then Rylie's and this bar they call the Skuz (nickname) haha and then back to the Pat.

But this guy Matt was the one who put on the pub crawl too. He was buying a bunch of people drinks, including me. Yay for Saskatchewan beer. I was mixing Gin and beer which didn't really work out well for me today.... lol. But anyhow he had all these people out for this thing (celebrating March B-day's so I fit in perfectly) but he still hung out with me a lot of the night and was totally flirting which was awesome for me cause I was super attracted to him right away. It's kinda funny too cause I met his sister at some point during the night, I think it was at the last bar before we went back to the Pat actually and she totally loved me. Haha. And apparently Matt was telling her that it was too bad that I was from Calgary because we live so far apart. ;) But anyways we were back at the Pat for awhile having a good time. I danced with him for a bit which was awesome but then he disappeared. We found out a while later he left to get Subway and the bouncer was being a douche and wouldn't let him back in so he went home. A bunch of us left after that and ended up going back to his house. We ate some pizza, played more video games and then most people left. Dave got a ride home cause he was super hammered and beat. I stayed. Ashley ended up having to work until like 5 AM because she works with a bunch of bitches who weren't doing their job. And she had to work at noon again today. Total bullshit. Anyways, me and Matt decided to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2 at like 4 in the morning. Dumb plan since that movie is like 2.5 hours long. Haha. Ash called me at 5 asking if I wanted her to pick me up but I was like I'm ok, go home. So anyhow we stayed up until like 6:30 watching this movie. It was a good time though. We were cuddling and I fell asleep a few times too. One of his buddies this guy Jeremy was passed out on the couch with us snoring. It was funny. Finally he went upstairs and found a couch of his own to sleep on. Haha.

So yeah at 6:30 we finally get to going to sleep. We couldn't even go to his bed though because he told one of his girl friends earlier that she could crash there and he totally forgot. Haha. But we ended up just crashing on the couch cuddled up. I think that was one of the best things ever. Just to sleep beside a guy cuddled in his arms. That is what I'm looking for and that's probably why I like him so much already. He is a genuinely nice guy and I really think he would be an awesome guy to date. But he has to live fucking 6 hours away. Haha. It's funny cause we didn't even make out. There were a lot of times where we were close but he just didn't take that move, which is nice because you know he isn't all about getting some. I so should have instigated that though because I would have loved to have made out with him, lol. But yeah we only got 4 hours of sleep if that because so many people were up and about by then in the house it was impossible to sleep. Haha.

We sat in their kitchen for like an hour and just chatted and what not. Then I decided that I would be in no condition to drive home today so I am driving home tomorrow. Then we were playing more video games. I played Mario Kart battle all morning with Matt, Jeremy and Matt's roommate Dave. It was so much fun. I miss video games. Haha. They so ganged up on me too, cause I was the only girl. But I still won the second most matches. KICK ASS!! lol. Then at like 2 i decided that I really needed food so Matt and I picked up Dave and we went to Ashley's work to have a late lunch. It was a good time. We got some more chatting in. Then we went back to the house to watch a movie. I finally got to see The Departed. It was a good movie. And there was more cuddling. :) Then Ash came over after work and we stayed for a bit longer and watched Family Guy for a bit. But Ash was dead tired so we left. I so wanted to hug Matt but I was like am I allowed it might be a little weird. I didn't but he's like you will have to come back soon, for sure for one of their lake weekends in the summer I guess. I'm sure it will be a good time.

So that's pretty much it. We came back to Ashley's, had dinner and then Dave and Ash went to bed and I am writing this. I am going to hit the sack soon though so I'm not too tired to drive tomorrow. But I did get Matt's number so I sent him a text message saying I had fun and thanks for the good weekend and see him soon. He texted me back and said that he had fun too and to drive safe and that I have to come back soon because it would be nice to see me again. WHY DOES THE NICE GUY HAVE TO LIVE SO FAR AWAY??? Just my luck guys, just my fucking luck. Haha. But I gave him my email and we are going to chat. I have another reason to try and come see Ash more now though. It will be soooo much easier now that summer is coming too and the roads will be good.

So anyhow that's my weekend. Awesome time, totally wicked. And by the sounds of it Leanne's wasn't too shabby either. Yay good times. I hope everyone else had a good weekend. Love you guys!