Skipping PMS

So this week has been pretty shitty. Just me being frustrated with school and man have I been the moodiest person alive. I seriously randomly start crying for no reason, or about something soooo stupid. What is up with that. I'm not usually THAT bad. It's freakin' me out. I have determined that this weekend was the wrong one to ask Jaan out because it is not helping with the situation. In fact I think it is the underlying problem of it all. The only problem is I can't not see him but at the same time it makes me crazy. WHAT THE F-ING HELL!!! So yeah that is kind of making me angry. The point here is. I think I will pay the extra money that insurance won't cover just so I can skip my period so I do not have to deal with this crazy shit. NUTSO KIM ON THE LOOSE! Haha. That's pretty much it. Peace.

Solving my problems....

You know I don't know what I want. I never do. I'm not even sure I can describe who I am or what I want in my life. I'm not sure anymore. I think I am having a Summer moment from The OC. I really do need to find myself before I do anything else or make any decisions. I need to do well in school and I need to get somewhere in my life. I need to be in a place where I can be happy on my own with no one else before I can move on and truly be myself and find someone to be with. I just want some things to work out for me for once. Just to have a few things go right for awhile and just be happy with who I am. I dunno. I am so confused. I guess I just have to keep truckin' through school and hopefully the puzzle pieces will fall together.

Feeling: Sad :(

Short Lived

So much for my happiness. Seriously, my life is all over the fucking place. I mean I know I have a lot of good things but I seem to let the little things get to me and then I freak out. Especially right now. I fucking hate being a girl and pms. Sometimes I think life would be that much easier as a guy. I might as well be. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I hate being angry. I hate being upset. I hate being me. I'm crying like a baby for no reason. WHAT IS THIS??? Why does life have to be so complicated. ANGER HATE VOLATILE EMOTION!!!! I just wanna someone to love me for me. To hold me and tell me it will all be ok. I hate not knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing. I make too many choices on emotion and chance. I need a plan. And I need to stick to that plan. I don't know what I need. Sometimes I hate people. I wish everything could be more obvious. I know it would take away all of the fun. WHATEVER. It would make life that much easier sometimes too and maybe I wouldn't end up like this and talking like a psycho crazy person. I'm going to stop now. Nothing makes sense.

HAPPY FOR ONCE

Good things do happen to me sometimes. This weekend was a really good weekend. Friday was stressful because of Photography and I just found out that my moms memory card is missing which means I must have left it at school which is NOT GOOD. It is like $150. So if I lost it she is going to kill me. KILL!! I am so hoping it is there. Cross your fingers for me!

Anyhow, the drive to Edmonton was smooth Friday and the dinner was good too. It was fun to just sit and chat with my girls. Me and Dani went shopping Saturday which is always fun. I spent too much money again but that happens a lot. It's too bad Dani didn't find what she wanted. No one had anything. Anyhow, the best part was our pita pizzas and wine drinking before we went to Cook County. It was suck a good time. Good fun with alcohol. Anyways, it was a crazy rush to the cab and getting in to Cook but once we got in it was a good time. Dancing and drinking and such. Once it got busy we randomly lost each other a few times. We decided to leave but the coat check line was crazy and it took us like another hour to get out of there. So stupid. But walking home was good to get some air, and munchies. Me and Alie talked for awhile when we got home and then went to bed by like 3.

Oh and I sent Jaan a text message asking him out. I know its kinda cheesy but I wouldn't have done it any other way. But man am I glad I did. I mean he didn't send me one back last night and I was like he won't.... he doesn't like me. But I was wrong. This afternoon when I was packing up my stuff and me and Dani were chatting he sent me one back. I was like oh god it's him. I didn't want to read it. But I did of course. And guess what, he said YES! Oh my god I wanted to jump for joy. I am pretty sure I squealed a bit. He said sorry for not getting back cause he was in Lethbridge out partying but that he would like to chill and see a movie sometime or something. I am soooo happy right now. Even if he ends up not going anywhere. I have a chance now, I opened the door. YAY!! So anyways I am excited to see him again but at the same time I am like OMG I have to act normal still. Haha. Crazy mind, don't mind me.

So yeah today was good too. Ate McDonald's breakfast. It was yummy. Hung out with Leanne at Chapters. Went back to the house and chatted and then I unfortunately I had to leave. The drive home was pretty uneventful though. I am still having issues with my computer and then there is the memory card thing. Edmonton is apparently a luckier place for me or something, or I am more myself.

Should be an interesting week....

Confused

I have no idea what I want to do in life for a career. I mean I came her to do design because I liked it in High school and I thought I wanted to be an architect. Now I'm not so sure. I mean Coming to ACAD has been a real eye opener but at the same time has confused me and thrown me back into the I have no idea what I want to do with my life pot.

I mean I loved glass blowing. It is one of the best things I have ever done. I have a lot of fun doing it and I have learned a lot. But it is really hard to make a career for yourself as any kind of artist. However I would be getting and undergrad degree but what could I go into after with an undergrad in glass???

My other choice is Photography. I am taking that this semester and so far it is really cool. I think I could have a lot of fun with that and I could actually make a living at that. I think I am going to see how the rest of this semester goes, although I need to put my applications in before the end of the semester, which I think I am going to do anyways and then wait to see what happens.

So here is the plan. I am going to apply to the design program in Edmonton again because I still think it would be a good thing, even though next year will be your guys last year there, I miss you so much and who knows you might stay in E-town for awhile right? I am going to also apply for the Photography program here because I don't know if I want to take Visual Communications. I don't know for sure yet but if I get into the program in Edmonton I will probably come back because I think it is my best bet for being happy in life and making decent money at it. If I don't I might go into Photography here and major in that. However if both fall through which is possible, because I am not getting my hopes up, then I will just continue on here doing a Bachelor of Art and majoring in Glass. Then I will go from there I guess.

You know those surveys that ask where will you be in 10 years. Lets just put it this way, I hope to be making money and have kids, but truthfully at this rate I have no freakin' clue!

This Semester

So this semester sounds like it's going to be pretty for me. Plus everyone always wants a social life not that I have much of one here. But I am planning on getting a job too which takes up more time and then I want to go to Edmonton a few times, I promised Ash I would go to Saskatoon this one weekend and then I wanted to go to Lethbridge to see Jason too. But who knows what will happen with all of that. I guess it's better to be busy than to be bored. Can't wait to see you chickies. Later.

Blog

Even my blog is bugging me about relationships. Read this:

Forget tentative baby steps on your love path -- now's the time for giant leaps, bold moves and (why not?) shakin' what your mama gave you while you're at it. You're hot, so get some sweet stuff started.

Haha, I think it is agreeing with you guys. Kinda freaky. Just thought I would point that out.

Chicken Shit

I am the biggest chicken shit and failure on the face of this planet. I don't even have enough self confidence to go and ask someone out because I am constantly thinking why would anyone want me. Nothing is ever going to change. This is the way it is. I don't like the people that like me and the people I like don't like me back. Anyone I have ever liked, in junior high, high school, University, they are all out of my league. Who do I think I am. Maybe I am trying to fit into a lifestyle instead of being happy as I am. I dunno. All I know is that I try to be happy with what I have but I always seem to find something wrong. Is nothing good enough or am I just un-accepting of my life and what it is.

I am so scared that he isn't going to like me or that I will mess up the friendship that we have developed that I can't even ask him out. Why couldn't it be the way it is now after, even if he says no. I mean he isn't the only person I talk to. I have made friends with almost all of the 4th years, most of the 3rd years and a bunch of the second years. So what is my problem. I couldn't tell you because I don't even understand my thoughts or irrational thinking. Am I crazy??? I think so. I wish I could just bury myself in a hole and just avoid people, maybe it would make my life that much easier.

The only way this is going to get done is if I just walk up to him and say it straight up or send him a text message. But how lame is it to send a text message. If I can't even talk to the dude in person how well would the whole situation work out anyways. FUCK I HATE MY BRAIN AND ALL THOUGHT!!!

So here is the deal. If you don't hear anything by Monday I haven't done it and probably never will. So that's it. The whole situation is going to be over. We won't talk about it ever again. I will do my school work, and get a job to occupy my time and fly through this semester like it never happened. The end. Done, finished, finito. That's it.

Not Today

So I didn't do it today guys. So I guess Friday it is. I saw him today but there was always lots of people around. So thats that. I am still starting to wonder if he likes me at all. But like Ali said I won't know unless I ask. And this way I can get on with it or let it go. He better go for drinks Friday like they talked about last week otherwise I might be screwed.

Easier Said Then Done

So this whole thing with Jaan, everyone I talk to is like just ask him out. If he says no it's no big deal. But like my blog title says, easier said than done. Dylan and Marco are telling me to ask him out. I know, but I can't. I don't know why. I have been thinking about it and I believe the problem is I don't want to know the answer. It would be a lot easier if I knew that he liked me back but I don't. Part of it is me lacking confidence in myself that anyone could like me of all people. But the thought that is going through my head is this. If he says no then I know for sure that he doesn't like me and that just sucks and I'm not sure how I will react and the other side is saying if he says yes then I have no idea what I am going to do. I've never really gone a date with a dude except Jeremy in grade 10, which I don't hold very high. Its such foreign territory. And I mean I will have to enter that territory sometime if I ever want to date or have a husband, but I'm scared. AAAHHHHHH. Like I said I just make it WAY too complicated. Wow I really am retarded. Don't mind me.

terrible flirt

So I have discovered that I really am not very good at flirting. I try but I get nervous, or somehow I just fuck it up. Like the other day. Jaan had ashes on his face so I told him. He gave me and opportunity to brush them off and I could have easily done it but I was like oh crap so I end up just poking him in the face. Stupid! Haha. I need to learn to chill. I think that is the majority of my problem. BE STRONG!!

stupid horoscope

So my horoscope tells me that I need to take a proactive approach to my love life. Thanks for that little tip. I have pretty much realized that now considering I am still alone. But I really have no idea how I am supposed to do that, so whatever. Grrr.

long time

This is probably one of the longest periods of time that I have gone without writing a blog. I'm not really sure why, maybe because I was petty busy during the holidays but mostly I think it's because I didn't care to. I'm not really sure what I have to say that hasn't been said before or that anyone may care to here. Not that it really matters because a blog is really for me to vent but I guess I didn't have much to vent about. Hmm.... Anyhow, I am writing now because I am frustrated and I guess it is a good way of helping me deal with my thoughts.

First off I have no life. I really need to make some friends here in Calgary because on a Saturday night, the last one before school starts no less, I am at home, on my computer, writing a blog. Not cool. I am tired of being alone. No one is here in my big empty house either. Even my parents are out. God I hate being in this city sometimes. For the very reason that I really have no one to hang out with, and I can only be at school for so much. EEEEERRRRRRR. I really don't know why I am angry about this. No that's a lie, I have an idea but it's really stupid too.

Leanne I am beginning to think you are right about the Jaan situation and him being out of a serious relationship and what not. I dunno. I am pretty sure they aren't dating anymore only because he was talking about being at the bar last night and dancing with some girls and being pissed that one of his friends went home with one of them. Either he is a big cheat or he no longer has a girlfriend. I can't really be sure.

Anyhow, he asked me what I was doing tonight, and I told him that I wasn't doing anything so he mentioned that he was probably going out with some friends and said I could come if I want. So just before he left the school he got my cell number and said he would let me know when they figured out where they were going. I have no idea if he will actually call. And I know that I would love to go, because it's Jaan, but there is always the factoring of disappointment. Knowin my luck I would be standing/dancing my myself at some point. See, that is another reason I hate being alone because all I do is think, and I think to much, and over analyze and it just fucks with the brain!!

I DON'T KNOW!! If he calls I am so going though because I am not giving up on having fun and coping out because I'm scared. Done deal.

Anyways, hope you ladies are having a good night and a lovely weekend and good luck with school Monday!