I was talking to Matt tonight (the guy I work with at the airport) and I had a realization. School is almost over. Like maybe a month, that's it. Most people want it to end and I sort of do, but after talking to him, I don't want it to end anymore. I realized I was sad that it's ending. You guys know how much I hate making decisions and the sooner school ends the sooner I have to make decisions about what I am doing for school next year. Like if I go back to U of A or stay here and if I stay here if I take glass of photo. This really sucks. Plus I have to make portfolios for these stupid applications. So much work. I am so screwed for the next month, truthfully.
And this weekend is gone because I am most likely driving up to Saskatoon to see Ash and party, which will be fun but won't help my situation any. I wish I had someone to come with me cause I am going to be driving for 6-7 hours by myself. :( The worst part about me driving by myself is, that is a lot of time to think. And lately me thinking just gets me upset about whatever is going on. So dumb really.
Anyhow, the other reason why I really don't want this semester to end is Jaan. I mean I know I have been saying it will be good cause I will be away from him and maybe I will meet someone else. But really I don't want to be away from him. I enjoy his company. And no matter how much I try to block it out I really do like the kid and I can't do anything about it. So much for controlling emotions... Impossible in this case. I swear he is on my mind like %75 of the day, when I am awake and I am pretty sure I dream about him too. Which is crazy but pretty human I think. I wish he could give me a chance, I can be a really good friend to have, right girls? :) And really he is too nice to me sometimes or flirty, like Friday which makes this even harder. And the whole thing with summer is no school no seeing Jaan every day. And I probably won't see him at all because we don't hang out outside of school. And even if I do stay at ACAD, he's done this year so I don't even have next year to look forward too. That's why I'm like would it be better for me in Edmonton because I would always be thinking that nothing could be better than this year, all because of him. EERRAAAGGGHHHHH.
It is so not fair that guys have this power over me, over women in general! I cannot be the only one going through this. Why can't I just meet someone who will like me back, for who I am?? I mean I know it isn't that big of a deal, and I'm sure I will meet someone sometime. But I really do want someone now. And it really is important to me. Maybe because I have had life plans that aren't going the way I planned or maybe I am just in some serious need of human contact. There are times when I could really use a guy, just like any other girl and I don't do a very good job of helping myself in that matter.
Brain mush!!! I have worked myself up and managed to confuse myself. Grrr. At least Matt is being sort of helpful. He is actually giving me relative pointers, which I was wasn't expecting. Confidence Kim, confidence. I can't wait for the day that I am truly happy with myself, my life and when it shows in my face and actions.
Peace out.
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