Lonley.....

K so so here is the thing. I never used to care if I had anyone and I usually still don't care, but for whatever reason I cared today. I was thinking and it's depressing. I was remembering this convo I had with my cousin Katie this summer about relationships and marriage and kids. I wanted to have kids young but considering I'm like 19.5 and I have neverr had a boyfriend i can't see that happening anytime soon. I mean I know it's stupid and I have plenty of time but it hit me today. And I truly feel lonely. I think I notice it more too because there are a lot of people on the floor that are in relationships or just got out of them and the flirting and so on and so forth. I CAN'T DO IT!!! Seriously. I considered hanging out with Marco when he was in town and going to his hotel because I wanted someone and I kinda miss him even though I haven't seen him in a year. I mean there are some really cool guys on the floor but there is the whole floor cest thing and I watch other people hanging out/ flirting and I feel like I don't belong or that I'm invaiding what they have. I mean it's just Abby's personality but she hangs with a bunch of the guys and cuddles and such. First John now James. Who I sort of like but I think I just like his honesty and chill attitude. I JUST DO NOT KNOW!! AAAAHHHHH. But I do love the girls on the floor this year. Now that I'm getting to know them I'm getting more comfortable again. It's good. And then being back here with my girls again. But me and Leanne aren't roomies anymore so I feel more alone because I talk less with her. And I love Ali but I still feel like a third wheel when I am with her and Leanne. Why, WHY do I always feel out of place. I mean I'm one of the most social people I know and yet I think people are scared of me or they just get annoyed with me and I don't know what I can do. And talking about this shit makes me want to cry. The tears are coming. It's 3:30 am on a friday night and I am fucking writing a blog and I sat on my ass all night and didn't do anything that was super fun or exciting. I don't have a lot of days where I don't have homework or free time and I wasted it. TO make matters worse I feel like I'm going to puke cause I have a stomach ache and no tums. grrrr. Oh and this whole guy situation. I never meet anybody. Maybe a random few guys seem to have liked me over the years. Like 3 and they have all been shorter and lighter then me and that freaks me out. I want someone that could actually puch me around. I know that sounds stupid but it's true and I'm frustrated. And with girls and guys is always a competition. To many people liking the same people and who likes who and what not..... I dunno know what I am even talking about anymore. This is like a random frustrated blab session that no one will even read except for maybe Dani because she seems to be the only one that reads them and cares. Which I love you for!!! I'm going to miss you this weekend. :( I will drink for you! One last little note before I bid you adue, I met this guy on Nexopia and he is decent looking and nice and so much fun to talk to and his name is Chris but there is no hope there cause nothing will ever happen with that. So ya that's that. Take this all with a grain of salt cause its pure babble that allowed me to sort out my thoughts. Later.