One of those nights....

This week just seems to not be my week. I don't know why but I kinda have felt like crap all week, and not the happiest. It could have something to do with the fact that I have my period but that's definitely the only reason. I dunno I think I have just had a revelation that I'm a failure or incompetent. I don't know what to call it really. It basically goes like this. First of all I feel like a failure. The whole fact that I am one class short of a full course load because I had to drop Organic Chemistry because I was failing because I didn't do my homework or study really. All my hard work in the labs, down the tubes. And now I know there is more pressure on me to do better in my other classes because I have one less class to worry about now. I should be doing my chemistry questions, but I'm not and I haven't done any all semester. I should be reading English and I should have worked on my essay weeks ago, but I didn't and now I'm going to pay. I have to try and write this essay this weekend and I'm scared and just think it's a waist of time cause I know my prof and I know my writing abilities and it's not going to be any better then a D anyways, so why do I even bother. Stat's is ok, but I have a lab assignment due next week which I haven't worked on either and we missed the class this morning cause we slept in. Like fuck. How is it possible that I'm suck a screw up. The only class that I am doing somewhat decent in right now is Econ and it doesn't even have anything to do with what I am taking. It looks like at some point I might be transferring to Arts at some point. There is no direction in my life right now. I am at the end of my first year of university and I still don't know what the fuck I want to do with my life at all. I feel like a failure because I am doing crappy in school. I am kind of wishing I had a guy right now for whatever reason and I have read so many people wrong this year and it's just been crappy and stupid. So I'm alone too even though I know I have my friends. Truthfully I just want to go home at the moment. I am tired of this little ass room and not having any money and doing things with no direction. At least when I start work at the airport I know it's a job and I will know what I have to do and that will be that. And I will be making money to do it and not spending money. That's another reason why this sucks. I have like no money left, or very little. I want to spend my birthday money on something nice but I also have like no money left to go out either. I didn't go out tonight party because of that. I just don't have the money. It cost so much for cab, cover and coat check and then if I did want to have one or two drinks. It shouldn't cost me an arm and a leg. Whatever. See when I go home I will have money, I can go out, I will have a CAR. I miss driving so much. I love to drive and I don't get to at all here. That would be one reason to stay home to go to school, I could drive everyday. Plus we are going to get a new car, a standard. I have wanted to drive standard since I took my lessons, before that even. Everything at home just seems so much more promising right now. Oh and the whole being in shape thing too. I feel like crap and I look like crap. I have been trying to exercise some but it hasn't done much cause I have still gained wait here and I still have a gut and huge this. I just feel so ugly right now. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see that fire that I used to have. When I used to dress up I could convince myself that I'm pretty and that somebody would want me and there just doesn't even seem to be a point anymore. Obviously it hasn't got me anywhere so far. I need some sort of inspiration, and strength. That's why I love the summer. I go on holidays and I always feel great because I ski and wakeboard everyday and that is the time of the year that I am most in shape and feel the greatest about myself. It probably helps that I have a tan too. Oh and if any of you know my history about sandpoint, even if it is just Marc and Shawn and his buddies I just have so much fun with them and feel attractive. I don't get it. There is hope. I have less then a month left here and then it's home. I can party, work, see old friends, go to the Stampede this year and just enjoy my time without having to worry about my future. At least I have that comfort there to encourage me to get through this crap. That is my inspiration, maybe that's what I need now. If I keep myself busy then I will feel productive and then all of the sudden it will be time to go home. Home, it's nice to know that I have someplace to go where I don't really have to worry about anything, and there is always somebody there for me, that is wise and can give me guidance. Although my mothers indecisiveness has made my life somewhat difficult this year. Why did I have to get that gene of all genes. I hate it. It makes it hard to choose, and I usually have regrets no matter which way I go. I wish there were no options sometimes. Then I wouldn't have to choose. But anyways, I should do homework now because I have already wasted plenty of your time and mine writing this.

P.S.- I do still have fun sometimes though, the spontaneity of it all. Going to the plant last night for battle of the bands and some dancing turned out to be a lot of fun. The last band, not sure of their name, the guitarist/singer was awesome, and really hot. There was just something about him. It was great. Plus I danced with this one pretty hot guy and he was an awesome spinner. It was a good time and it made my night. I'm glad I went! But tonight is not my night, and I'm ok with that. Everyone has their days right?