Naive

An I really that Naive? Have I just noticed not that it has been like this for a very long time? Do I believe in people and friendship and relationships when it's all in my imagination. I think part of it is I get along with people so quickly I just assume they will be my friends because I feel like that but I guess not everyone is like that right. I somehow believe that after meeting people once or twice that they should respond to messages or want to hang out. Apparently I was wrong. I have no idea how I have been so delusional. Like my sister says she trusts no one and I seem to trust everyone. Which I think is going to bite me in the ass.

The point is. I need to meet some people here and make my own friends and try and form a bond with random people on my own. Give it time to grow I guess. Not everything happens overnight except for maybe in my head. I just can't stand being so lonely and it feels like I am stuck in my own apartment because I have no one to see and no place to go because I am all by myself. I'd love to go dancing at the bar, but Ash is really busy and going by myself is probably not safe. But I am pretty sure I am going to a movie by myself tomorrow. I really want to see it and I invited some people to go but no one seems to into it. Maybe they aren't movie people here, I dunno. I have to remember I'm in a different city/ province here. Things are done differently in some places right??

Hell all I know right now is that I am lonely and right now there is no one here I can turn to, to fill the void. It's almost worth it to drive to Edmonton and take Kyle up on his offer hey Leanne? lol. I wouldn't do that but you know. I miss you guys more and more all the time. I am trying to make a sort of life for myself here though. I need to make it work. I'm going to be here for awhile so I have to make it work. I'm getting a job and I need to concentrate on getting my school shit straightened out and maybe other things will fall into place....

Love you girls!

Catch up time!

So there is no way I can really type out my adventures. This blog would be unbearably long. This is something that needs to be told in person. Haha. My cruise was awesome. Saw some amazing stuff in 4 different countries. I had a lot of fun but at the same time by the end I was ready to come home. I think it would be a lot different to do a trip like that, or a European trip with friends or by yourself. Do what you want to do. You know. It was crazy over there. Italian drivers are nuts. They will even tell you that they are crazy drivers. But they are good crazy drivers. As I told my dad it's basically a form of organized chaos. It was a a new experience that's for sure. Nothing like I have ever done before. And again it was amazing. We have NO HISTORY compared to these people. It is insane. They are very devout too. Churches absolutely everywhere. I have never seen so many churches in all of my life. This was mostly in Italy of course. It wasn't as much in the other places we visited. Man I am sure I have a million random little stories! This would be something really cool for us girls to see together! European trip in a few years anyone??? Once we get some money in our pocket!

The getting home and packing up and moving part kinda sucked. It all went so fast I felt like I had no time to prepare. It's weird though because it all went so quick I already feel at home here in our little apartment. We are settled in. The only boxes left have movies in them because we didn't have room for the self we were planning to put them on. But in a months time that should all be fixed too. I've already been out a couple of times. Meeting a few new people, getting to know some other people a little better. It's alright so far. Although at times I do wish you guys were here to party with me. It's always a good time when your around! Plus I still love Cook. haha.

But as they say in Meet the Robinsons "keep moving forward!" So I guess I just gotta keep truckin' along and hope that it all works out in the end. And maybe I'll fins a boy in the process too! lol. Love you girls!

Starting to Stress (like SOS except STS)

Save me from drowning into craziness! As of tonight I have 2 weeks until I leave on my cruise. And it has hit me how much I have to do. I still have to pack for the cruise. Pack the rest of my shit for moving. Hope that we get a trailer so we can pack it up before we go so we aren't doing it the night before we move to Saskatoon while jet legged. Fuck!!! And we still have to get a few things for our place. And I am stressing because we only have like a day and a half to unpack in Sask before orientation and school starts. I don't know how much I will be able to party that first week because I have a feeling I'm going to be right beat! And although I could probably use this weekend at home I want to go camping to enjoy the outdoors, get some rays before the trip, and maybe get in a ski since I haven't gone all summer and I'm feeling deprived (and I have to try and not hurt myself because I need to be able to walk for the cruise). Just plain craziness I tell you. I'm not even sure what to worry about first. And of course I still have one more shift at LNT and they tried to get me to work Saturday even though I quit so I would be done Thursday. Sorry guys but I just don't have the time, and I don't want to. Oh and half the time at the airport I don't have much to do but oh no I only have 2 weeks left of work and all the sudden bam bam Kim can you do this, Kim can you do that. No not really because I have to do this. Everyone has something for me to do all of the sudden. I have to fill this awards case for my dad who is overseeing this because no one else wants to but everyone wants it done. I have to clean out these stupid rooms for Bruce so that they can get them cleaned out so this guy can come in and rip up some espestice tile. And I don't even know what else. BBAAAAHHHHH. So this is my mini freak out. Life will go on.

OMG

Living with my sister may be more stressful then I thought. I really hope we don't want to kill each other and then it will work out all ok. I think it will just some days she REALLY GETS TO ME and I just want to ape shit on her ass. lol. or walk out and not do anything and see what happens. I dunno. It just seems like I shouldn't bother trying to do anything because I'll just fuck it up. And really being the oldest child really blows most of the time. I hate having that f'ing responsibility! It's not fair that so much more is expected of me just because I am one measly little year older. BAH! I swear to god if everything is left for me to do, I may strangle her in her sleep. Well at least I know more people is Saskatoon then I do hear and they are all very close and the university is close so I have a place to escape if I can't take it. I know Ashley will let me crash if I need to, she's awesome like that. There are always options. Sometimes living at home, out here, I feel so incredibly trapped its unbelievable. And the second I want to go out for a walk I get eaten alive by mosquito's so that's not even really an option unless I want to be itchy and pissed off. NO WHERE TO GO!

Coming Together

Well it finally seems like some things are coming together and not everything is so crazy and it will all be over soon. I think we are pretty much ready for the trip. A few more things to buy. I can tell you right now that will change the week before when we are trying to pack. I'm sure I will be stressing then. Not only will I be packing for my trip but I will be packing to move too. We found a place, an apartment. It's pretty nice, but we don't get it until Sept. 1st. We were hoping for Aug. 1st so we could move in before the cruise but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. So we are going to pack all of out stuff into my uncles stock trailer and then when we get home on the 31st everything will be ready to go for when we leave on the 1st. By the time we get there we will have about a day and a half before orientation starts and then 2 days after that classes start. It's going to be like "wam bam thank you mame!" Crazyness. But we leave in like 35 days for the cruise! Yay. I cannot wait to be done working. For awhile anyways. I am planning on getting a job in Saskatoon. Not sure doing what yet. I got all my classes registered too. So I am pretty much set. A little more relaxed. Still so much to do though. Hopefully I don't have a mental break down anytime in the near future!

interesting weekend; lame Canada Day

So there was some good and some bad to this weekend. Thursday night I went to my cousin Kaity's high school grad. That was actually a lot of fun. Nothing like my grade. But I mean really there was 60 of them and 600 of us! Big difference. I went out with my cousin Jason to the town bar after. It was actually a pretty good time. A bunch of the grad's were there, and other people. I didn't have to buy myself one drink. That was nice for once. Doesn't ever happen to me you know. Only with family around! lol. It was fun though. Nice to spend some time away from home and with some different people and a different atmosphere. I crashed over night because it was late. I was going to drive into Calgary to work but decided against that and stayed and slept in instead. I needed the sleep. And Auntie Suzy made me breakfast. :) Then I drove home and had like an hour at home and we left for Saskatoon.

I slept half the way. Yay for road trips. 6 hours.... I tried watching a movie on my lap top but something was wrong with it. We get there, check in and then go over to Matt's for the kegger he was having. Kelsey stayed for a bit, actually ran into a girl she used to work with at Montana's here in Calgary. Kind of funny actually. Talk about small world. Anyways, I drank, but not excessively. We danced and chilled, there was a fire too. People started to go home after awhile. Most people had gone home by 3 am. lol. Ash showed up after work close to 4.... We ate some pizza. Played some Mario Kart. She left and I crashed on Matt's couch at about 5. Mom calls somewhere around 8:30 to tell me Dad is coming because we wanted an early start looking for a place to live. Surprisingly I wasn't hung over or overly tired. All about the adrenaline! I saw Matt, it being his party and all but he was busy, and drunk and his usual friendly self so I don't know what's happening with that kid. I just thought I would update you but I'm not worrying about it. Actually I had quite a bit of fun Friday with other people that I wasn't even thinking about/ my attention wasn't drawn to him unless he was in the room or close to me. I actually feel really chill about the situation. It doesn't bother me at all which is nice for once. It feels different then it did with Jaan. In a good way though.

Have you guys missed my randomness?? lol

Continuing on. We spent a great majority of Saturday calling people and looking for a place. We had been calling like 2 weeks before too. Either places were already rented or people weren't calling us back or whatever. Anyways we only ended up looking at 2 places and we decided on the first place. The second place had TINY bedrooms. One was like the size of a king bed, the bedroom. Clearly to small. So the other place it was. It's called Duchess Estates. There are like 6 building or something. Each has 4 floors. We are in building B. Top floor on the end. It should be alright. It's a decent size and rent isn't too bad. We have to pay electric and cable/internet. But whatever. It's about a 12 minute walk from the University so it will be close and save me on gas! No parties at our place though. There is pretty much a no noise policy at any hour because there is a hospital near by and there are people sleeping at all times because of shift work and such. But I'm ok with that. I'll just have to go out to party or to someone elses place! lol. The only bad thing is we were hoping to move in Aug. 1st but this place we don't get until Sept. 1st. So we will be rushing to unpack and get ready for school after we get back from the cruise. It will be one insane week!

That was the excitement of my weekend. We stayed in Saskatoon Saturday night and then drove to Regina to see my grandpa early Sunday. Stayed with him all day until about 8pm. Then went to our hotel. I wanted to see the fireworks but no one really cared so we missed them. Talk about a lame July 1. Sunday we visited for a bit longer and then drove home. 8 hours.... Sitting that long is hard on the ass. Went to Baba's for dinner. Picked up the dog and stayed for a bit and then went home. One LOOOOONG weekend alright. Like I said good but lame too. So much driving. The only good thing is I caught up on a little sleep on those long road trips.

This week and next are only going to drain me more. Crazyness at work because of Stampede and then you gotta go out once or twice for stampede too! Going to see Reba in concert. Pretty excited about that. Keep trucking along and eventually I will have my vacation and free time, and then WAM BAM back in school! Oh well. Better than working. That is all for now. Night Ladies!

Falling into place

You can see how busy I am this summer with the lack of blogs I am producing. Anyways, I feel so rushed and busy with everything that is going on this summer but for the most part it is all going smoothly and good. There is the odd problem but that is to be expected. You know I'm happy. Making money, having fun, getting really excited for my trip. It's good, it's all good. Ever since I have finished school this year I have been happier. You know I liked ACAD but at the same time I'm not sure if it was right for me. I feel better now, in my place, my moment. I am getting excited to move out on my own, not just residence. To be back at University. It all makes me smile. the only problem is there is so much I want to do and it just doesn't all fit. I am missing out too. Like going to the lake with Dani, and I'm sad about that. And going to Sandpoint, or just away on a boating vacation. But then again there is the cruise. And it's going to be a great opportunity. Not something I am going to be doing very often. So I want to enjoy every minute of it. I have a lot of mixed strange feelings, but nothing that makes me cry anymore, not even stupid boys. I am happy being me, doing my thing. And people always say you will find someone when you aren't even looking. So I'm just going to enjoy my life, my space, my time and go with the flow of things and whatever happens, happens. Love you guys! miss you girls tons.

Paddling out of a whirling hole...

You know so many things are happening this summer, and a lot of them are good but too much is happening and I don't even know where to start. I feel like I am just trying to keep myself afloat right now. I changed my availability to 2 days during the week at LNT instead of 3 because it has been killing me and I am burning out and have no life. I mean this week I worked Monday, Tuesday, Thursday. Yesterday I had this U of S thing that was a few hours long. So tomorrow night is the first free night I have off and I am still busy because I am driving down south to see Jaan and pick up/pay for the pieces I am getting from him. Then Saturday I work all day and then I am going to a 50th birthday party. Sunday really is the day of rest for me. That's the only day I can sit down and just relaxed and not worry about everything, which I do anyways.

This summer is too packed, too busy. It has never been this complicated and out of control. I think this whole cruise thing is fucking up the system. I mean I am really excited, and I get more excited every passing day but it has just spun everything out of control this summer. And now that I am moving to Saskatoon that throws another loop hole in because I have to find a place to live, and move in before the cruise because orientation starts 2 days after we get back. CAN YOU SAY INSANE!!!! We are going to get home, do laundry and leave the next day most likely. So complicated. And we are going with my parents which is fine but they have so much to say about where they want us to live and me and Kelsey are like HELLO we want something we are going to like too. I mean my parents are looking at campus housing. No thanks. I'm good. They don't listen well.

And then there is Stampede and they wanted to go shopping in the States before we went on our cruise and I am also trying to make money for school and living and whatever. I don't go out because I don't have time. I work ALL THE TIME it seems. I don't really have much of a life. And then I went to Saskatoon and that was a lot of fun but it burned me out even more than I already was with little sleep, lots of sun, and too much alcohol. I don't know how I function. Perma headaches right now. I could use a massage too but I don't have time for that either. FUCK! So much other shit is going on I will be lucky if I can go out on the boat at all this summer, which blows because it is the only thing that I am always looking forward and makes me happy every time. That's my form of Leanne's running to burn off steam. I feel like I am missing out on so much. Especially spending time with you guys and I feel terrible about it.

All I do is worry and freak out. School, friends, guys or lack there of. Stupid shit mostly but stuff that's important to me I guess. Isn't summer supposed to be fun?? I'm pretty sure I am more stressed now than ever before. Amazing. Anyways, I complain about being tired and then I stay up after midnight to write a f'ing blog. Genius Kim! Night ladies.

Stupid Boys

So I am still really excited to visit people this weekend in Saskatoon and party but I had a bit of a shocker this week. The guy that I have a bit of a crush on in Saskatoon, who I was and still am excited to see happens to be sleeping with his ex girlfriend. Ashley informed me this week because she didn't want me blind sided by it. Apparently when she found out Jasmine (Matt's ex) said that they were seeing each other again but Matt said they were just sleeping together (which really in my case isn't any better). So I'm not going to lie I was a little bummed. Thank god I met other people that one weekend I was there and according to Ash everyone in that group is really nice and fun so I shouldn't have anything to worry about. But I mean how can I be mad at him. I can understand guys have needs. And really I have only met him once and I do live 6 hours away. Still a shitty deal. Especially finding out the week before I am going to visit. I was going to go in early may but no one really had much time to see me then. Now things have changed. I'm curious if they are actually getting back together though, Ash says they are spending more time together again so I dunno. But yeah so thought I would share that random and stupid news. What else is new, bad luck with boys.

I hate stupid people

So it's been awhile but I haven't had much time to write and really I haven't had much to say. Life is dumb sometimes, that's about it. But I guess I have things to say now. So as you guys know, or hopefully you know because I sent you an email, I will not be going to the U of A next year. I received the letter that so gently informs me that I am rejected. Really I expected nothing less. I'm not even sure it really bothers me much because I wasn't expecting to get. I almost wonder what I would be doing now if I had gotten in last year. I would probably be finishing my degree in design to go into architecture. Now I'm still not sure what I'm doing. Anyways, it is most likely that I am going to be moving to Saskatoon. Thank god it is only 3 hours away from Edmonton just like Calgary so I can still come visit. I could stay here in Calgary and go to ACAD for glass but you guys know me, I'm too practical to be an artist!

Anyhow, in regards to my title, I hate people. The plan if I decided to go to Saskatoon and even if I didn't go and my sister did was for us to move in with Craig and Kathleen (Kelsey's best friend and boyfriends) but now it doesn't look like that is going to happen. Me and Kelsey are probably going to live together now actually in an apartment or Condo or something. The reason why I am mad though is because Craig is an idiot. Kelsey was the first one that wanted to go to Saskatoon for school. Then Kathleen thought it would be fun for her to move there and for them to live together because she wants to go into vet school anyways. Then they had the idea that Craig would move there too because he love's Kathleen and he is done school this year so he can work wherever. Anyways, sounding like a good idea Craig's parents were offering to buy a house and that we could all live in it and pay rent to them and whatever. It was a good idea until Craig's parents went crazy and Craig did nothing about it. First of all we don't even know if we are going for sure next year because we haven't been officially accepted yet. We were going to wait to find out to find a place. But apparently they were urgent to get a house so they were looking in April. Well this last week has been insane. Craig's parents put a down payment on a house they found. Only problem is it is outside of the city. We already live outside of the city here I don't want to move there and be in the same situation. I want to be able to walk to school or not have to drive everyday anyways. But they did this without asking because they thought it was the best price they were going to get and apparently didn't care what we thought. I don't want to live outside of the city and neither does Kelsey. What point does that serve. I drive enough as it is I don't need to move out there to do the same thing, especially with the crazy winter weather they get. So now Kelsey is really pissed because Craig and his parents didn't listen and she can no longer live with her best friend because we refuse to live in that house which apparently now they have officially bought. INSANE??? I think so. It's not even June for christ sake. They were saying they couldn't find anything nice that was a good price in the city. I'm like that's a load of crap. I have looked there are plenty of houses they could buy that are a good price. I wasn't expecting a 5 bedroom house or anything spectacular. Just a decent place to live. So I guess we are going to go in probably July to look for a place for me and Kelsey to share. I'm a little sad though because I kinda wanted to get a dog and if we got a house I probably could have got one, but now that we aren't a lot of places don't allow animals so it looks like I might have to wait a few years. Not that big of a deal but you know. Just extremely FRUSTRATING, all of it. So that is my bitter angry rant for the night. Hope you enjoyed. Hope you girls have a good weekend!

>>>!@#%%@$^

I didn't know what to put for a title so that's what it is. I'm not sure if you want to hear this or I should be saying it at all but I need to find myself a boy or figure shit out for myself. Sadly I get way to engrossed in my romance novels I almost become anti-social. They are my form of entertainment. And truthfully as I am absolutely positive that you will all understand. I would really like to hang out with a guy for myself instead. Haha. I'm pretty sure the obvious does not need to be stated here. I suppose the title kind of explains my frustrations. I'm almost desperate. I don't want to be, and I refuse to succumb to my craziness. See I'm not even making any sense. I'm going to go to sleep now and pretend that everything is normal... or as normal as it can be when I'm involved!

friends

Your right Leanne about making friends or who your friends are. I mean most people make their friends at school or at work or are friends of friends right. Well I have tried to make friends at school, and I have, but no one I'm really close to. I didn't hang out with very many people outside of school. And now I'm like who is even a 'real' friend. I dunno. Deanna is one of the only people I am really keeping in touch with. Jaan I don't know what to call him. And then work wise there are the people at the airport who I guess I call friends. But I haven't really hung out with them ever either. And from Linen's and Things I have made some good buddies and some of them are super awesome. Only problem most of them are still in high school and under age. Not as much fun. Therefore my friend resourses seem to be tapped out at the moment. Haha. I have to work on new ways to make friends..... hmmm.

...lonely

That's right guys, I'm feeling lonely again. It's worse now than ever because I can't even escape to school to see people. It's work and work only really. Fuck. I cannot live in this city with no friends. I will go crazy. I basically have no one. The only things I think about or have to look forward to lately are when I have plans with friends, plans to visit you guys or Ashley in Saskatoon and what I am doing for school next year and what I will need if I move out and such. It seems like I am constantly planning for the future because there is nothing to plan for now. Stupid. I am trying to make my school decision based on school but right now it is being highly influenced by my social situation. I can't live in this city for another 3 years with no friends. I would really become a glass obsessed art freak then. I don't think I would ever leave the school but to sleep. Do I have issues??

Bah boys!

Just as I was pretty much over Jaan and starting to move on he invites me to his house to check out his pieces and see what I might like to buy. Well I go over there (he couldn't live any further away from me, so it's quite a drive). He opens the door when I get there and then he sort of introduces me to his dad then he sits down. I'm still standing at the door (wasn't sure what to do) so he tells me to take off my shoes, have a seat. We chatted for at least a half hour just sitting there. About a lot of random things. Then he's like lets go downstairs that's where everything else is. So he leads the way, and then we get sidetracked in the kitchen (Jaan got distracted with food) so I was chatting with his mom (she's very nice, I talk to her every time I see her at school). Then she gets all excited and has to show me Jaan's first blown piece, it was super cute. Anyhow, then we go downstairs and he gives me the 5 second tour, this is my bedroom, this is the computer room, blah blah. Then he asks if I'm cold and if I want a sweater. I said I was ok but I probably should have taken him up on it because we sat down there for awhile and it was pretty fuckin cold. We checked out the pieces. Talked some more. He asked what I wanted to do and what not. Let me pick some stuff, we sort of worked out a price. It was all good. By then it was almost 10:30 so I decided to go home. So we were saying goodbye and he tells me to keep in touch, I know his number. And he gives me a hug, and tells me to drive safe. And I mean really any good guy friend give you a hug when you leave or whatever, it's just for me it's a little harder because clearly I have a crush on the guy, and it was getting better but that made it worse. BAH! Craziness. Oh yeah I forgot to mention his mom came down to the basement when we were down there and she kind of apologized for intruding, I'm like whatever. But then she's like Jaan you should show Kim your night light. I'm pretty sure I was trying my hardest not to burst into laughter. He was just shaking his head. I so could have bugged him about it but I didn't. We moved on as nothing had happened. Too funny. But yeah I'm struggling again. I really wish emotions could be turned on and off. I mean I even get along with the dudes mom. We used to talk about him when we chatting at school and he would just give us looks. So funny. I don't know what it is with that kid but I am always struggling!

Extremely Frustrated!!

I just want to be fucking happy. I want to figure out what is going to make me happy and soak it up. I am tired of being like this. Clearly I am not really happy with myself or my life and situation because if I was I wouldn't get so upset all the time about stupid things. Maybe I wouldn't be so randomly depressed. I nag myself about so much now. So dumb. I mean it's bad enough that I am struggling with this school thing but I am struggling with my body image right now too. I have been trying to get in better shape, loose weight and I am failing.

I finally started going to the gym this semester but now that school is over I have stopped. I don't have a gym membership now but it's not like I can't work out at home. I have this tape that I used to do too. But ever since I started working it has stopped the effort. Really I can't seem to find the time or I am just really tired. I guess I should be going to bed now instead of writing a blog but I'm not. Because I have to get up so fucking early now for work I can't work out in the mornings anymore. Also 2 or 3 days during the week I work at LNT as well so I don't get home until like 10 so clearly I am going to sit for a bit and then just go to bed on those days. And the other days I actually have off I either sit on my ass or I have something else to do.

And I think I have been eating a lot worse too. I was good for awhile there, eating healthy things, small amounts. Then work starts and I have crap at work all day, don't really eat real meals because I don't have time when I work at LNT so I am hungry when I get home so I eat more crap usually. So I have been feeling really lazy and down. Working out actually makes me feel better but I can't seem to find the energy or motivation to do it.

Everything hit me hard today when I was at the mall shopping. It has been raining and cold so I decided to go and try and cheer myself up and I'm not sure if it didn't help or made things worse. I was trying on clothes and I realized how ugly my body is and it made me sad again. I have been doing this video so much more and it is supposed to work your legs and butt more, and I swear they look uglier than they ever have. I have fat cellulite legs. I have to buy a bigger size of jeans so I can get the pants over my legs/ass and then I have to wear a belt because they are too big in the waist. It's really depressing. And I couldn't find any shorts for that very reason because the next size up either didn't exist or they were too big. And I tried on a few bathing suits and that made it even worse. The less fabric the more you have to see and judge. I basically look like I have no boobs when I wear a swimsuit, which is only telling the truth because all of my bras are push up. I have the most fucked up body ever.

And my mom is always telling me I'm not fat, and I know I'm not huge but I'm definitely not in shape or bathing suit worthy. This only makes me question why I don't have a boyfriend and why I have never had one. So dumb. And I don't even want anyone's sympathy or comforts. I just want to be happy with myself and I just seem to be struggling all the time to find that. What's happened to me in the last year? What's changed so much to make me question everything about myself. I really hope that this path of life that I am following eventually leads me out of this forest and into some sort of sunny meadow, because right now I am afraid of being sucked up and forgotten. Stupid emotions!

School

So I just thought I would update you guys, mostly on the school situation. I love ACAD and I love Glass but I don't think I will be going back there next year. I have been thinking about it a lot and I realized that I have known all along that I can't do it. All year people were asking me or assuming that I would major in glass and every time I would tell them, actually I'm not even sure yet. Because in the back of my mind I know and have always known that it just wouldn't be practical or logical for me to blow glass for a living. As much fun as that sounds I don't want to be struggling for money all of my life either. I want to have a stable household and family and with art it is so unpredictable. Therefore it's unlikely that ACAD will be my destination. So now my options are down to U of A and U of S. A lot of this depends on if I get into the U of A but it also depends on what I decide. I still need to spend some time looking over those tests I took and looking into career ideas. I may go into something environmental or urban planning. Looking into a few options. So it's either Edmonton or Saskatoon. Both get tons of snow and very cold weather. And it's about 3 hours either way if I need to visit you or Ash. Right now there is a lot of waiting. I hate waiting. But at least I can kinda prepare myself for moving in the fall, mentally. I'll be moving away from home again. This time maybe for much longer than before. We shall see. And if I move to Saskatoon I'm going to have to do a lot of shopping before I move because they don't have IKEA's in Saskatchewan!!! Hope your having an awesome week, my isn't too shabby at all. Peace.

crazy

You know what makes the least sense about my last blog. I actually had fun that night. No complaints. So I'm not sure why I came home and got all depressed and wanted to cry. Makes NO SENSE. I'm just plain crazy with crazy emotions. It's like a fricken roller coaster!

School

I'm just as confussed if not more confussed than ever about what I should do for school next year. Seriously a lot of this has to do with school but so many of my influences are people and what they have to say that are really what are on my mind. No matter how much I try to make this not about emotion but what is best for me in the long run it doesn't work. It matters what you guys say, it matters what other people say about ACAD. Everything matters. I mean tonight Jaan said that I would miss glass if I didn't go back next year. And really I think he might be right. I loved it, I do love it. But I just don't know if it's the right thing either. I think once I am away from it for awhile I will see how much it really effects me. I'm scared... I know that taking chances and making mistakes is the only way I am going to figure myself and my life out but I'm still scared shitless. And sometimes I'm not sure who to turn to. That's going to be the worst part about staying in Calgary if I do, I feel so alone sometimes. I'm going to be crying myself to sleep once again this year. It's all to familiar. WHAT IS RIGHT FOR ME? WHAT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY? Some divine spirit please tell me. AAAHHHH

.....bah

So I have not written in a week which is quite a stretch for me and yet I still don't have much to day but I have this desire to write, to inform, to entertain. I am done school for the year and it kinda feels weird but at the same time i don't feel done because I know I have to go back to the school for random reasons and when it doesn't feel like the U of A done. There it always helped that I was moving out of rez, seemed more permanent. Anyhow, things are still pretty crazy for me this week. Working at the airport all week all day, worked at LNT yesterday and tonight. Still got to put my portfolio together for U of A, you guys are coming, trying to have some fun before work really starts, have this ACAD grad show to go to. Craziness, but not any more crazy than anyone else.

I have this feeling that this summer is going to be insane and complicated for me and it almost worries me. I'm scared. I guess I really didn't want school to end because I am realizing that me having to make a decision about school and life is inevitable, and it's scaring me. You know me, I hate decisions and I struggle with them so this summer is going to be torture until I figure out what I am doing. I still need to go over the tests I did with the counselors in depth because I am still so very confused. I keep getting this exciting feeling about moving out and doing something but I don't even know if I am! I seriously need to get my brain and heart and gut together and agreeing. They all seem to be pulling me in different directions. It's terrible really. I wish I understood myself better, because maybe then I would be able to make the decision that's right for me. I dunno.

I have narrowed them though. I have decided that I am not going to go into Photography. I mean I enjoy it and it's a good hobby but I don't think I could do it all the time for people, I like pictures for me. So the choices are now U of A Design, ACAD Glass or Saskatoon BA in business more likely. I think part of the problem is I am a facts person and I can be very logical and to make this decision I know I am going to have to weigh my options, take all things into account and so on. It won't be easy. In the end I think I'm going to have to go with my gut, because thinking just gets me frustrated. Whatever feels right, whatever I dream about, have ideas for. What I plan for without realizing it. I'm hoping it will come to me in some sort of divine revelation! Wouldn't that be nice. Haha.

Anyhow, one last part of this random blog. I really want this Nat Burkas bedding stuff at work right. Well it's super expensive and wouldn't make any sense to buy, I'd be crazy, cause it's like over $300 for a comforter. Anyhow they are having a sale right now and it's 25% off all of his stuff and then I would get my 25% off too so it's not too bad anymore right? You have no idea how much I am in love with this bedding, I have wanted it since I started working there. Anyhow, I am trying to decide and I was looking at them tonight and I realize that all of his stuff is dry clean only. So now I'm thinking it's no such a good choice. I don't wash my comforter much but if it got dirty it would cost me a fortune to clean. And almost all other things you can wash and dry as usual. So now I am debating if it is really worth it. Something else to think about. Always things invading my busy mind!

But yeah hope all your tests have gone well and any left go just as well and I can't wait to see you all soon!!

Idiot!

I am an idiot. What have I been thinking? Where has my head been? I seriously have to wonder where my priorites lie. I hate making decisions and I let stupid things influence them. Why does choosing a school and a career have to be so fucking difficult for me? And what am I expecting to happen with my choice? And I have no idea why I would have thought that this would be any different. BBBBBAAAAAHHHHHH IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT. I am kinda mad at myself and it doesn't even make sense, this blog doesn't make sense. Don't try making sense of it. I was happy all day until this moment.