.....bah

So I have not written in a week which is quite a stretch for me and yet I still don't have much to day but I have this desire to write, to inform, to entertain. I am done school for the year and it kinda feels weird but at the same time i don't feel done because I know I have to go back to the school for random reasons and when it doesn't feel like the U of A done. There it always helped that I was moving out of rez, seemed more permanent. Anyhow, things are still pretty crazy for me this week. Working at the airport all week all day, worked at LNT yesterday and tonight. Still got to put my portfolio together for U of A, you guys are coming, trying to have some fun before work really starts, have this ACAD grad show to go to. Craziness, but not any more crazy than anyone else.

I have this feeling that this summer is going to be insane and complicated for me and it almost worries me. I'm scared. I guess I really didn't want school to end because I am realizing that me having to make a decision about school and life is inevitable, and it's scaring me. You know me, I hate decisions and I struggle with them so this summer is going to be torture until I figure out what I am doing. I still need to go over the tests I did with the counselors in depth because I am still so very confused. I keep getting this exciting feeling about moving out and doing something but I don't even know if I am! I seriously need to get my brain and heart and gut together and agreeing. They all seem to be pulling me in different directions. It's terrible really. I wish I understood myself better, because maybe then I would be able to make the decision that's right for me. I dunno.

I have narrowed them though. I have decided that I am not going to go into Photography. I mean I enjoy it and it's a good hobby but I don't think I could do it all the time for people, I like pictures for me. So the choices are now U of A Design, ACAD Glass or Saskatoon BA in business more likely. I think part of the problem is I am a facts person and I can be very logical and to make this decision I know I am going to have to weigh my options, take all things into account and so on. It won't be easy. In the end I think I'm going to have to go with my gut, because thinking just gets me frustrated. Whatever feels right, whatever I dream about, have ideas for. What I plan for without realizing it. I'm hoping it will come to me in some sort of divine revelation! Wouldn't that be nice. Haha.

Anyhow, one last part of this random blog. I really want this Nat Burkas bedding stuff at work right. Well it's super expensive and wouldn't make any sense to buy, I'd be crazy, cause it's like over $300 for a comforter. Anyhow they are having a sale right now and it's 25% off all of his stuff and then I would get my 25% off too so it's not too bad anymore right? You have no idea how much I am in love with this bedding, I have wanted it since I started working there. Anyhow, I am trying to decide and I was looking at them tonight and I realize that all of his stuff is dry clean only. So now I'm thinking it's no such a good choice. I don't wash my comforter much but if it got dirty it would cost me a fortune to clean. And almost all other things you can wash and dry as usual. So now I am debating if it is really worth it. Something else to think about. Always things invading my busy mind!

But yeah hope all your tests have gone well and any left go just as well and I can't wait to see you all soon!!

Idiot!

I am an idiot. What have I been thinking? Where has my head been? I seriously have to wonder where my priorites lie. I hate making decisions and I let stupid things influence them. Why does choosing a school and a career have to be so fucking difficult for me? And what am I expecting to happen with my choice? And I have no idea why I would have thought that this would be any different. BBBBBAAAAAHHHHHH IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT. I am kinda mad at myself and it doesn't even make sense, this blog doesn't make sense. Don't try making sense of it. I was happy all day until this moment.

YAY PICKLES!

I love pickles. It's funny how all three of us love pickles of all things. I came home from the bar tonight and I had pickles and triscuits and cream cheese. SO GOOD! It was awesome. Tonight was a good time. Cowboys very rarely disappoints. My shirt randomly broke however. The strap like detached from the front of my shirt. A girl pointed it out to me. Luckily my sis had a safety pin she could spare so I could still dance. Otherwise I would have had to hold my shirt up for the rest of the night. How terrible would that be?? Anyways, I really should go to sleep. Talk to you all later!

Summer is almost here!

It's so hard to believe that I am going to be done school at the end of next week. It's crazy. I was driving along so smoothly and now everything is coming to a crashing halt, out of nowhere. I'm not sure what to do. So much was happening this week, tons of stuff happening the next few weeks and then BAM summer and working. And my decision on a school approaching quickly. I have gone to see a counselor though and taking some random aptitude test like things so they are going to try and help me figure out what a good choice may be based on everything we talk about. Crazyness I tell yeah. MIND BOGGLE. And I know I'm not the only one. I'm sure you guys are freaking out about shit too. Insanity, it's all insanity. I gotta sleep, I didn't much last night and now I am not functioning normally. Have a good weekend girls!

Bah!

I fuckin' hate myself sometimes. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I can't make decisions, and I don't know why I have crazy emotions sometimes. I was pretty much fine all weekend and then a few hours ago I some how worked myself into a bad mood thinking about all the shit that is going on and the decisions I have to make and who I'm going to piss off or whatever in the process. Bah! I am stressing myself out and upsetting myself for stupid things. And I am trying to do what I need to do to make myself happy but nothing ever works out the easy way and someone always has something to say. I feel like I am always being judged. Who cares what I do if it makes me fucking happy? Why do I have to explain myself? What if it just feels right, you know? I need people in my life because I don't do well by myself but at the same time I fucking hate having to choose or to justify what I do. I dunno. It's weird because it's all about people. They can make your life fun but they can make it difficult too. I guess that's life, it wouldn't be very interesting without it. I just wish it wasn't so complicated sometimes.

Not much to say

I have wanted to write another blog all week but every time I go to write one I'm like I don't really have anything to say. It's kinda sad. I guess my week has been relatively uneventful. Friday night I went to babysit Cole and Shelby out in Bragg Creek. It was fun. I love those kids. They are almost always good for me. Drove home and went to bed at like 2 then had to work at 9 in the morning. I was the only person on the floor for like 2 hours that morning before anyone was scheduled to come in. I was super busy all day because I had my jobs to do in my department and then I was cashing half of the time because I was also the only other person in the store that knew how to do cash and they only had one cashier on for most of the day. So when it got busy I did cash. It was crazy.

Then last night me and Kelsey went out to Ship and Anchor on 17th to meet up with Jeremy. The guy from Saskatoon. So we had a drink with him and his friend. Chatted a bunch. It was a good time. Then me and Kels left, went and got pizza then walked back to the train station to go home. I didn't get to bed super early last night either but I slept in till like 9:30. Which isn't bad considering I don't sleep in much anymore. I was planning to draw today and catch up on homework. But I didn't. I did laundry, cleaned my bathroom, worked out, and went to visit my sister at work instead. If I stay here to go to school there is no way I am taking another drawing class. I hate them. I would rather take Art History. Which most people would think I am crazy for. So yeah now I am screwed for this week. But that's ok. I'll live.

The next couple of weeks are going to be absolutely insane however. I may want to shoot myself by the end of it. I will need to get very drunk that's for sure. I have been talking to Matt a bunch. He's a lot of fun to talk to, and he actually answers my text messages. Haha. But it's all fun right. You guys can see what he sort of looks like now. He joined Facebook today so find him in my friends if you wanna see a picture. It's funny looking at a picture of him and thinking of Jaan I kinda realized again how much different we are in the type of guys we like. Haha. We all have our preferences, lol.

Random Stories

First of all, do you guys remember reading my blog and how I mentioned one of Dave's friends Jeremy from the weekend. Well he's kind of random and crazy. Very blunt with comments, likes to mess with people. A male version of Leanne really, but crazier. ;) (It's not a bad thing that I am comparing you to him by the way). Anyhow, I was talking to Ash tonight about random stuff and she mentions to me that Jeremy asked for my number and she gave it to him because she didn't see it as a big deal. Neither do I, I think it's kind of funny actually. She also informs me that he will probably actually call me, sooner rather than later. I found that interesting as well. What I am really curious about is why he actually wanted my number... I guess I will have to wait and see.

Second story involves Jaan. I don't like him anymore, just to clarify. I mean I think he could be a good friend, entertaining, because I still find him funny and a fucking awesome glass blower but he's a douche too. I sent him a text message Friday night saying, "Here's the deal. I'm attracted to you and I would love to hang out and have some fun. But if aren't interested at all just say so." Well he didn't get back to me so I naturally assumed that was a no. Well he decides to text message me back finally, today. He says, "Sry, no fun." That's a no. But what a lazy ass. Lame text message and he can't even actually spell sorry. Then I see him like an hour later today and everything is normal. He is acting like nothing happened. Which is good I guess, but very strange also. Whateves. I don't care anymore, he can be a douche all he likes. I probably won't see him after April 30th anyways. It's crazy how shits happens.

Clarify

I think I need to clarify about what's going on. Yes I may have had an awesome weekend and I may be now thinking about going to Saskatoon but really it's just another option. I'm not even sure I see it happening. And the idea really wasn't because of Matt. I have heard a lot of good things about U of S long before this and being there this weekend just made me realize that it could be another option. I spent no more then 36 hours with Matt. You can't know that much about a person in such a short time. I mean I thought Jaan would be an awesome guy too and look at the douche he turned out to be. Yeah.... I know I would be stupid if I made a decision about school based on that. I'm just trying to find where I belong. You guys know that I have struggled this year, trying to be happy. There is more to life than just school as well and I'm not happy in Calgary for the most part. I haven't made any really solid friends here. And I have cried myself to sleep so many times this year I have to wonder what my issue is. I really don't mind my family in living at home but I think that I feel restricted. I miss making my own choices and doing what I wanna do without telling someone what that is all the time. And like I said I don't think I'm ready to get out and get a 9-5 job. I like the security of school and knowing what to expect. But moving out also gives me a little more responsibility. Balance. I dunno, I am really confused right now. No decisions will be made for awhile. More thinking. I just need to take everything into consideration.

Best Weekend Ever!

I think this is the best weekend that I have had all year. Not saying that the weekends with guys weren't awesome but I was doing something totally different and I was happy all weekend and that was definitely improved by a guy. Anyways, I'll give you the basics about what I was up to this weekend.

Friday I went to school for like an hour. I parked in front of the school instead of in the parking lot because I was being cheap and then I ended up getting a $40 parking ticket which really pissed me off and made me super angry. But anyhow I drove to Saskatoon. It's usually a 6-7 hour drive for most people. I did it from door to door in about 5.5 hours. It was awesome. I just cruised and the roads are pretty much super flat so it wasn't anything to crazy or excited. I was kept occupied almost the whole time too because it's only a 2 lane highway so passing is a little trickier. I am pretty sure I scared a few people coming the other way a couple of times but I wouldn't have passed if I knew I couldn't make it. Some people are just over cautious. But yeah it was a good time. Cranked my music, stopped once for gas and I was good.

That night was the party thing I was going to for the Vet school here for Ashley's program. It was pretty good. We went and had pot luck food and had a few drinks after I got to Saskatoon. Then we got on a couple of buses and headed out to this hoe down thing. It's actually held in this old building that used to be a brothel that is in the middle of nowhere east of Saskatoon. It was a pretty good time. I saw a few people I met during the summer when they came to Calgary for Stampede. We drank and danced and ate food. It wasn't too bad at all. I think we finally got back to Ashley's place around 2:30 maybe 3. Then we hit the sack. I ate like half a cracker before I brushed my teeth and passed out. By then I wasn't really drunk anymore because I had stopped drinking at like midnight, but I was tired, that drive takes a lot out of you. I didn't really sleep in much Saturday because I wasn't super tired and Dave's bird Blue decided at somewhere around 10:30 that is was time for me to wake up. Chirp, chirp, chirp. Haha. But we all chilled in our pj's and chatted for most of the day. At like 4 we decided it was time to finally start getting ready and making food. Ash had to work at 6 so she took me and Dave to a liquor store and then drove us over to Dave's friends house.

This is where my weekend gets interesting. This house is owned by his friend Matt (the guy that I happened to fall head over heals for, lol). And he has 2 roommates living with him that pay rent because apparently he had this serious girlfriend at one point and they got this house and then they broke up so he payed her share of the house off and now the boys pay rent to live there. Anyhow, I met these three guys, Matt, Dave, and Danny. They are all pretty good looking. Another thing I discovered this weekend is they call each other by there last names a lot because there is more than one Matt, Dave, Jen, and whoever else in there group of friends. So anyways I meet these guys along with a few other ones already at the house because apparently some of them spend more time there then they do at their own homes. lol. About 10 minutes after I got there we were already playing video games. Nintendo Wii is fucking awesome Leanne now I totally get what you mean. So we played that for a few hours then we headed to the first pub/ bar to wait to get on the buses to start our pub crawl. We started at The Pat, then went to Rodeo's (I think that's what it's called) and then Rylie's and this bar they call the Skuz (nickname) haha and then back to the Pat.

But this guy Matt was the one who put on the pub crawl too. He was buying a bunch of people drinks, including me. Yay for Saskatchewan beer. I was mixing Gin and beer which didn't really work out well for me today.... lol. But anyhow he had all these people out for this thing (celebrating March B-day's so I fit in perfectly) but he still hung out with me a lot of the night and was totally flirting which was awesome for me cause I was super attracted to him right away. It's kinda funny too cause I met his sister at some point during the night, I think it was at the last bar before we went back to the Pat actually and she totally loved me. Haha. And apparently Matt was telling her that it was too bad that I was from Calgary because we live so far apart. ;) But anyways we were back at the Pat for awhile having a good time. I danced with him for a bit which was awesome but then he disappeared. We found out a while later he left to get Subway and the bouncer was being a douche and wouldn't let him back in so he went home. A bunch of us left after that and ended up going back to his house. We ate some pizza, played more video games and then most people left. Dave got a ride home cause he was super hammered and beat. I stayed. Ashley ended up having to work until like 5 AM because she works with a bunch of bitches who weren't doing their job. And she had to work at noon again today. Total bullshit. Anyways, me and Matt decided to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2 at like 4 in the morning. Dumb plan since that movie is like 2.5 hours long. Haha. Ash called me at 5 asking if I wanted her to pick me up but I was like I'm ok, go home. So anyhow we stayed up until like 6:30 watching this movie. It was a good time though. We were cuddling and I fell asleep a few times too. One of his buddies this guy Jeremy was passed out on the couch with us snoring. It was funny. Finally he went upstairs and found a couch of his own to sleep on. Haha.

So yeah at 6:30 we finally get to going to sleep. We couldn't even go to his bed though because he told one of his girl friends earlier that she could crash there and he totally forgot. Haha. But we ended up just crashing on the couch cuddled up. I think that was one of the best things ever. Just to sleep beside a guy cuddled in his arms. That is what I'm looking for and that's probably why I like him so much already. He is a genuinely nice guy and I really think he would be an awesome guy to date. But he has to live fucking 6 hours away. Haha. It's funny cause we didn't even make out. There were a lot of times where we were close but he just didn't take that move, which is nice because you know he isn't all about getting some. I so should have instigated that though because I would have loved to have made out with him, lol. But yeah we only got 4 hours of sleep if that because so many people were up and about by then in the house it was impossible to sleep. Haha.

We sat in their kitchen for like an hour and just chatted and what not. Then I decided that I would be in no condition to drive home today so I am driving home tomorrow. Then we were playing more video games. I played Mario Kart battle all morning with Matt, Jeremy and Matt's roommate Dave. It was so much fun. I miss video games. Haha. They so ganged up on me too, cause I was the only girl. But I still won the second most matches. KICK ASS!! lol. Then at like 2 i decided that I really needed food so Matt and I picked up Dave and we went to Ashley's work to have a late lunch. It was a good time. We got some more chatting in. Then we went back to the house to watch a movie. I finally got to see The Departed. It was a good movie. And there was more cuddling. :) Then Ash came over after work and we stayed for a bit longer and watched Family Guy for a bit. But Ash was dead tired so we left. I so wanted to hug Matt but I was like am I allowed it might be a little weird. I didn't but he's like you will have to come back soon, for sure for one of their lake weekends in the summer I guess. I'm sure it will be a good time.

So that's pretty much it. We came back to Ashley's, had dinner and then Dave and Ash went to bed and I am writing this. I am going to hit the sack soon though so I'm not too tired to drive tomorrow. But I did get Matt's number so I sent him a text message saying I had fun and thanks for the good weekend and see him soon. He texted me back and said that he had fun too and to drive safe and that I have to come back soon because it would be nice to see me again. WHY DOES THE NICE GUY HAVE TO LIVE SO FAR AWAY??? Just my luck guys, just my fucking luck. Haha. But I gave him my email and we are going to chat. I have another reason to try and come see Ash more now though. It will be soooo much easier now that summer is coming too and the roads will be good.

So anyhow that's my weekend. Awesome time, totally wicked. And by the sounds of it Leanne's wasn't too shabby either. Yay good times. I hope everyone else had a good weekend. Love you guys!

200th BLOG!!!!

Surprisingly for the amount I blab and how often I post I really thought I would be way past that by now. Guess not. And the stupid thing is the last like 50 blogs (not actually counting) have been about being here, boys, Jaan in particular. And why should this one be any different. That is all my life seems to revolve around lately. Really I think that's all I have to blog about, there is more to my life, just not as interesting. Plus my blog in a way is sort of like a diary, even though diaries are usually private. But only people I would tell this stuff too know about my blog anyways. Blogging gets everything out on the page for me to think about. I mean I don't even expect you guys to care about most of it anymore. Because you have heard most of it before and I know it can get tedious. But what can I say, I can't seem to help it.

Now on to the actual blog. Today was interesting but also frustrating. I just wish I knew where Jaan was coming from. He makes no sense. Guys are confusing. And I am pretty sure I am getting mixed signals. Up, down, up, down. I see him today, he sits down next me to on the bench. We are randomly talking about not much. He takes out this phone and it like check out this text message I sent Teri earlier. It said something like "Salutation exclamation noun verb question mark." I was ok... Not really understanding. Then hes like it means like "Hey! How are you?" or something like that. I was ok I get it. He thought it was clever. I was like if I got a text message like that I would be thinking what kind of drugs are you on. Now I don't know if the text message really matters... why would he mention Teri in particular unless it meant something?? Am I crazy? I want to ask him. But it would have had to have been done then. Anyhow more conversation and talking about people and whatnot. Then somehow we get into a conversation where he is showing off his muscles and it like you don't want to mess with this. SO SHOWING OFF!!! There is no way that can't be showing off. Totally looking for praise, right?? I was like oh yeah. Did you hit up the gym. He's like yeah I was just there. I try to go three times a week for at least 20 minutes you know cause every little bit matters. And last but not least there is that part I already told Leanne. It was me and him and another 4th year (a Chinese women who has kids and is older but is totally awesome) chatting about glass and courses and whatnot. We were talking about the courses I would take next year if I was going into glass. All that fun stuff. But then I mention that you know I don't know for sure yet if I am even going back there, and that I am terrible at making decisions. Then Jaan kindly pipes in well I'm not going to be here, with a smile. I looked at him and I am sooo glad that I was sitting forward because I turned away and I am pretty sure I was probably BRIGHT red. Totally embarrassing. Jung-Yee is like oh yeah you are going to be in Australia and he says hopefully. But I am pretty sure that wasn't the point he was getting at. He was totally looking for me to be embarrassed, am I right?? Then he's like I should go blow some glass and he disappears into the hot shop. OK.

Continuing on in my day. I went back to drawing for like 45 minutes then I went back down to glass cause Tyler (one of the teachers) was doing a demo. I ended up staying cause I wanted to see and Jung-Yee is like we need an audience, cause they were filming for it. So I stayed of course (causing me to miss the rest of my drawing class because I was gone for over an hour). I wish you could read people by their actions and facial expressions cause he was all smiles and was looking at me. We were randomly laughing and having a good old time. I might have bruised his ego a little bit though. When the piece was almost done it was pretty big. Anyways, he is always so dynamic and was like "It's a BIG ONE!!" I don't know why but I responded with "Thanks for stating the obvious tips." Kinda funny. But I think he took it a little seriously cause he was quiet for a bit. Hahaha. Leave it to me when I like a guy to not be able to flirt with him and go with his cockiness and be like wow your arms are really big and grab them like some girls might do, but bash him when he makes a comment all in fun. I don't make sense either. PEOPLE DO NOT MAKE SENSE.

At this rate clearly I am thinking nothing is going to happen. Well I had a dream the other day that was like the last day of school and I was like well I don't know if I will see you, so I hug Jaan (because I usually don't even though Dave gives hugs all the time) and then as I am backing away I'm like I wish you would have given me a chance, it could have been fun. And I walk away. What is with that. Me planning my pardons with the whole situation. I don't get him, I don't me, I don't get this situation. I just wish he would be less flirty with me since he said no to me. And the worst part is, I don't even know if he entirely realizes it because truthfully he is a flirty person in general, from what I gather. So maybe I am getting more out of it. Whatever is going on it's hard on a girls emotions. Now that Deanna knows about me liking him though it's a little easier cause I know I can talk to her. She is like yes he is cocky and I don't know what his deal it but keep your chin up. Seriously I could see her lasting as a good friend. She is a good replacement for you guys at school when I don't have you there for me all the time. I'm not sure what I would do without her. And she is the ONLY one from school who came to my b-day. That means something.

PS - I kinda wish I had never met Jaan's ex (if she still is...). I mean I met her, and I know she is really nice, and skinny, and blond, and pretty and I find myself wanting to know about her; I think because I am comparing myself to her. Which sucks. I wish I could take her out of the equation because it ruins everything. Haha. Obviously. Boys, good or bad??? I'm not so sure anymore. And then there is my horoscope today: "It sounds like a fairy tale, but the right person will come along when you need them. In the meantime, remember what's important to you. Upholding your standards will make the wait worthwhile." I sure hope so. Haha. Anyhow I think that is enough out of me for one reading/night. Peace out.

Sad :( Reality is setting in...

I was talking to Matt tonight (the guy I work with at the airport) and I had a realization. School is almost over. Like maybe a month, that's it. Most people want it to end and I sort of do, but after talking to him, I don't want it to end anymore. I realized I was sad that it's ending. You guys know how much I hate making decisions and the sooner school ends the sooner I have to make decisions about what I am doing for school next year. Like if I go back to U of A or stay here and if I stay here if I take glass of photo. This really sucks. Plus I have to make portfolios for these stupid applications. So much work. I am so screwed for the next month, truthfully.

And this weekend is gone because I am most likely driving up to Saskatoon to see Ash and party, which will be fun but won't help my situation any. I wish I had someone to come with me cause I am going to be driving for 6-7 hours by myself. :( The worst part about me driving by myself is, that is a lot of time to think. And lately me thinking just gets me upset about whatever is going on. So dumb really.

Anyhow, the other reason why I really don't want this semester to end is Jaan. I mean I know I have been saying it will be good cause I will be away from him and maybe I will meet someone else. But really I don't want to be away from him. I enjoy his company. And no matter how much I try to block it out I really do like the kid and I can't do anything about it. So much for controlling emotions... Impossible in this case. I swear he is on my mind like %75 of the day, when I am awake and I am pretty sure I dream about him too. Which is crazy but pretty human I think. I wish he could give me a chance, I can be a really good friend to have, right girls? :) And really he is too nice to me sometimes or flirty, like Friday which makes this even harder. And the whole thing with summer is no school no seeing Jaan every day. And I probably won't see him at all because we don't hang out outside of school. And even if I do stay at ACAD, he's done this year so I don't even have next year to look forward too. That's why I'm like would it be better for me in Edmonton because I would always be thinking that nothing could be better than this year, all because of him. EERRAAAGGGHHHHH.

It is so not fair that guys have this power over me, over women in general! I cannot be the only one going through this. Why can't I just meet someone who will like me back, for who I am?? I mean I know it isn't that big of a deal, and I'm sure I will meet someone sometime. But I really do want someone now. And it really is important to me. Maybe because I have had life plans that aren't going the way I planned or maybe I am just in some serious need of human contact. There are times when I could really use a guy, just like any other girl and I don't do a very good job of helping myself in that matter.

Brain mush!!! I have worked myself up and managed to confuse myself. Grrr. At least Matt is being sort of helpful. He is actually giving me relative pointers, which I was wasn't expecting. Confidence Kim, confidence. I can't wait for the day that I am truly happy with myself, my life and when it shows in my face and actions.

Peace out.

Don't Understand

I really don't get boys. At all. They make no sense and WE are the complicated ones. HA that is so bullshit. I think they have more issues. Anyways, last night was awesome for the most part but of course I have boy issues with Jaan as usual and other things.

So anyhow, when I got my mug last night and when I got my first beer Jaan was working the bar and he poured my beer and he was all smiles. He even blew me a kiss which was so random. I didn't even register it right away though cause I was asking him why he was wearing his sunglasses inside in the dark. Well he was and probably is still pretty sick and his eyes were like crazy bloodshot. Super red, so he was hiding them. Haha. I talked to him randomly a few other times. Then later, about 11:30 we were working together selling mugs. Randomly talking. And everyones likes your going into glass right and I'm like actually I still don't know. Then they of course ask what else I would do and I tell them I might go back to Edmonton. If I remember correctly or I guess if I heard him right Jaan said maybe that's what I should do. I don't know what that's supposed to mean if anything at all but he said it. Oh and he was also being a baby like boys are when they are sick and was complaining about his throat but he continued to drink. Haha.

Then later when everything was winding down I was sitting at a table randomly watching people dance. Well Jaan comes over and was like standing in front of me and he rests his head on my shoulder. And I kinda rested mine back. Then I think I mentioned something about going home cause my mom was coming to get me. And he's like you didn't drive? (Because I always drive). And I said yeah I did but my parents came to get my car earlier because I knew I wouldn't be able to drive home. And he's like yeah that's probably a good idea, I'm going home too. Then we helped clean a bunch of shit up before we left cause we were leaving before everything was done and I didn't want to leave the rest of the people with all the nasty mess.

I was chilling by the mug table for a bit after that just waiting for my mom. And I got talking to Katie, Deanna's friend about boys and stupidness. Then I admitted to liking Jaan. Deanna was of course listening and shes like "I KNEW IT!!!" haha. Then she mentioned she has a tiny crush on him too but she knows he would never like her like that. But yeah we were mostly talking about how it's hard to find guys because at ACAD they are either gay, or a lot of them are taken or they really aren't all that attractive. And neither of us really know anyone that can hook us up.

Anyways, the last random thing that happened with him was when he brought in a propane tank from the bbq's outside to put away. He was carrying it in and set it on the table. I asked him how full it was cause you can tell by the weight usually. I'm not really sure how we got to the next part but I consider this showing off. He's like I can probably tell how heavy this is in one curl (meaning one arm curl). So he lifts it like he is doing a bicep curl and he says its probably about 45 pounds. I of course was thinking who really cares so I just said oh yeah. Then he took it downstairs. My mom called and I left, not seeing him so I didn't say bye. I sent him a text message though and said later and I actually saw him walking to the train as we drove by. But he didn't text message me back. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. Anyhow, after I got home I sent him another one but this one was a little more random. I was referencing something that happened in first semester that he learned about me but he probably though I was crazy. I said something about no ripe bananas. Haha. He wouldn't have remembered so I'm not sure why I did it. He said he would see me monday.

Because of this crazy text message I sent Deanna a text message this morning and I'm like can you find out from Jaan in a roundabout way if he thinks I'm crazy cause I was sending drunk text messages. She just laughed and said she will see what she can do. So it should be interesting to see if she can find anything out.

Oh and on a totally separate note one other thing happened last night. A couple of these guys from SAIT were at mug night cause they live in rez and were there with a couple of people I know from school. Well I got talking to this guy and according to my friend Ivy he was kinda into me so she sent him over to chat. We chatted it up for awhile and I found out he is from a little town in BC, his name is Dave, he's 20. The basics. Anyhow, they did last call so I went out to buy a drink. He followed and offered to buy it. Of course of all the times. I was just like thanks but you really don't have to, I get it for free. Haha. He kinda seemed put down. Ivy came over after and apparently he was like I dunno, he felt a little shut down. I was like I dunno I need to talk to him more. So we exchanged emails and he added me to MSN. So I guess we will see what happens with that.

So yeah that was my night. It was pretty crazy. But fun. And there was no crying which is always a plus. I was hungover for a good deal of the day though. Haha. Oh well. I work with some cool people so it wasn't all that bad. Yay. Later guys.

Piercing

So I am going to get my belly pierced today. Should be interesting. I wonder if I'm gonna like it. I hope so. At least I can take it out if I don't. I kinda nervous/excited. I dunno. YAY PIERCING!! Haha. Oh and I had a massage this morning which was really needed. My muscles are crazy tight. And I was going to write something else but I seem to have forgotten what that was going to be. Oh well. Obviously not important.

OH oh! I remember. People seem to be noticing that I am in better shape now. I saw my chiro for the first time today in months and he is like you look different, have you lost weight. I haven't really lost that much but thats ok. :) Maybe he's on crack but it was nice of him to notice.

Terrible decision maker

So maybe you guys can help me out. The lady who does my schedule at work is stupid. I asked to work a later shift this Saturday because I knew I was going to be getting drunk and I usually work Saturdays. Well she didn't cook me saturday but Sunday instead. I didn't want to work sunday because I want to go snowboarding. The reason why she is dumb is because she has me written down for asking for the 22nd till the 25th off. I didn't ask for that. I look at the availability thing though and I think she read it wrong because those are the days I booked off in February. Making her dumb. Anyhow. Here is my dilemma. I can either get drunk Friday, have Saturday off and work Sunday and not go snowboarding OR I can see if this lady who works in my department will switch her Saturday shift with me causeing me to be at work for 11 am and probably hung over saturday so i can snowboard sunday. I think I like the latter better other than working hungover, but can still be managed unless I'm puking. So any thoughts??

Perfectly Normal

As Leanne predicted and I suspected myself even though I was super embarrassed Jaan acted like nothing happened today. He was perfectly cheery and social. As normal as can be with him. Although he was looking a little scruffy today. Hahaha. I notice everything. I am crazy. But that's ok, and perfectly normal when you like someone. ;) I should really do my drawing now, even though I hate it. I don't plan on taking any more drawing classes if at all avoidable. I'm not the person that just draws to draw. I don't. I mean I see people doodling in there sketchbooks and notebooks all the time at school which is thought to be normal there, but I don't, I never really have. I dunno it's one thing I don't usually find enjoyable. Can't be good at everything right! PS. I am pretty sure that I am going to get my belly pierced on Thursday. I really hope I like it. I'm kinda scared. But at least this I can take out if I don't like it. Personally I think it will give me even more motivation to work out and get into shape. Theories again. All theories. Anyhow I should get back to my drawing. Peace all.

I know, I know

So the reason for the title is because I know what you guys are going to say and you will probably shake your head at me. So read it with an open mind and know I know I'm crazy and accept it, cause it probably will never change. Haha.

So anyways, this is about my Friday night adventures at the Roadhouse and part of the craziness of why I was stupidly upset and why I will probably avoid school for a few days and why my msn name says I'm crazy. So I text messaged Jaan. This is where I start to dig my own birthday grave. I was drunken text messaging which is never a good thing but something that I frequently do. The hole gets deeper. I ask him if he is coming and he doesn't answer, surprise, surprise, causing disappointment and a deeper hole. Then I kind of get mad and send him a text message asking if he is scared of me now or what since he avoids me all the time and doesn't really talk to me. The whole gets bigger. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING???? Hints the crazy Kim comment.

The plot thickens. Mwhahaha. Not really. Anyhow he decides to message me back this time and says, I quote "Yo kim u shouldnt take it so heavy, its al good." For YOU maybe, but apparently not for me, I was like grr you suck and I hate you for being so chill about everything. Getting deeper. Then I send him one back apologizing like I always do even though Leanne tells me to stop apologizing for things that I have no right to be sorry about. Because I really don't have to be sorry about wondering why he won't talk to me now. Anyways, I simply explain that I am drunk and crazy. And once again he says it's all good. Oh any casually wishes me a happy b-day, I forgot that part. THANKS FOR REMEMBERING! Grrr. This is even making me mad now. I am CRAZY. I'm sure he is going to think I am crazy and I am so mad at myself for drunken texting and angry at him for being a fucking jerk or a friend. And this is where the hole is dug, ready for me to jump into.

I wasn't have as much fun by this point and Kelsey wasn't either so we wanted to go home. Stef stayed cause she was with her work friends and making money, so whatever. Me and Kelsey catch a cab home. Which ended up costing like $40. A tank of gas in my car for like a week and a half. *Cringe* Oh well, the parents paid for it cause they didn't want to come get up. But on the cab ride home we were probably like half way and you know me I'm an emotional drunk and I think it hit be about how much Jaan really could care less about me and how much my friends at school aren't really my 'friends'. My sister held my hand and I cried. I missed you guys a lot at this point. But we got home and I wrote a blog and went on Facebook and then hit the sack. Oh me being the big baby and breaking down in the cab is me jumping in the hole by the way. Just to clarify. Thankfully I didn't do anything else stupid that would have metaphorically represented me being buried alive. Haha.

CRAZY!!

Too much alcohol

Well I was successfully drunk last night. About it being fun though, it was pretty mediocre. People just love to disappoint. Kels said that she would make my birthday great this year. And she really did try but somehow it turned out the same as always. I am no longer having birthday parties. 21 was the last. Dani I totally know what you mean about hating birthdays now. And I like presents too and I didn't even really get any of those. My sis got me something, and my godmother gave me money but that's it. My parents didn't even get me anything. I mean I know we are going on the cruise in August but she usually buys me a t-shirt or something anyways. I hate growing up. I would rather be naive of all the bad and hurt in the world. Go back to the simplicity of childhood. I love you guys! We will party next time I'm in Edmonton. Forget celebrating my birthday. We will celebrate our friendship. Hope you guys have an awesome weekend!!!

Disappointed again

I tried not to get my hopes up but shit always happens. I wish you guys could have been here. It would have made a difference. I should have just stayed home and drank with my sister in our hottub. It would have been just as fun if not more. I miss you guys. I try not to be dissappointed but somehow I am. My friends at school aren't my friends. They are people I go to school with. It's amazing. Why should I care, but I do. I cried on the way home in the cab. How ridiculous is that. I should have been having fun. But why would that happen. It's my b-day. Nothing ever goes right. Wanna be anywhere but here....

So, so

Today was an ok day. It wasn't bad but it wasn't awesome either. I had Art History this morning and I was pretty tired and my prof is really good at putting me to sleep. So that's what I did for a good chunk of the class. Haha. Oh well. Then Ii was down in glass visiting and I picked up my pieces from yesterday. They turned out not too bad. Then I went and worked on my photo project for this week which was actually pretty successful. So that's always good. Then I hung around in the library for like and hour and a half meaning to do my assignments but failed miserably. Haha. Oops! Then I went to get my tattoo touched up. Which was pretty quick. Then I was back at the glass shop, then I went home. So although my day was pretty activity filled it wasn't really all that exciting. I did watch Miami Ink for 2 hours tonight and it makes me want to get another tattoo even more. I'm hooked. But I still think I am getting my belly pierced. Probably next week. It's going to be crazy but I'm excited.

You know I am applying to the U of A and for photo at ACAD. But really, I think I really do want to major in glass. I mean I know it's kind of crazy and I have NO idea where I can go with that. But I love it, and that's important too. For now. I mean I could get a degree in it and then if I want to do something after, I will. I was talking to Deanna today and shes like by the time you graduate I should have enough money saved and stuff and we could open a shop together. I was like it could really happen. It's exciting to think about. I mean I know I need to think about it some more and it depends on what happens and stuff. But I may be staying here next year....

Awesome Day!!

Today was a good day. But first things first. Guys totally are the masters of witchcraft. Man they are just as bad if not worse than girls with messing with people. And they are the reason why we get so mad sometimes. I think that is the coolest shirt ever. Men are dumb. Haha. Oh and Leanne you should totally take the botany class on drug plants and inform us of everything you know! Haha. Could be interesting.

But anyhow my day today. This morning really wasn't all that exciting. I finished writing my paper and all that jazz. Then I went to school for English which was pretty crazy as usual but whatever. Then I went to work out at the SAIT gym. Which I have been doing for like 2 and some odd weeks now on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and I feel a lot better doing it. I do cardio and weights and a little bit of abs. Good times other than the fact that I am usually sore after. Then I went back to the school. I was in the hot shop chilling. Jim one of the teachers said I could blow some glass since no one was really in there but just after I started people came back so I gave up my spot. Oh well. I was in the library for awhile Facebooking. It's my new addiction and procrastination tool.

Then I went back downstairs and I was talking with one of the class technicians and we were having a good convo about glass and making a career of it and all. Then he said that because there was space tonight he wouldn't care if I blew some glass. He would be around to supervise. So I was stoked. I was in there for awhile. I made 3 pieces. They weren't anything crazy but I was just getting back into the flow and practicing. It was good. It made me really happy. And Jaan was helping me out and giving me some tips and actually having normal conversation which was nice for a change. Therefor I was even more happy! So all around it was a pretty awesome night. I had fun anyhow. I was like in a dancing mood. It was great. This is the first time I have been really happy in awhile here. I was smiling from ear to ear. YAY HAPPINESS. We will see how long that last with the rest of this crazy week but I am looking forward to Thursday rolling around. Then the fun really begins!!

Hope you have a great week and I will send you lots of loving text messages when I am out for my bday. <3

:) - Kim