Job, etc.

So I got a job at Linens N' Things. I'm sure it will be ok. My first shift is tomorrow and I am going to find out what they are paying me cause they haven't said yet. If it's not good enough I may turn them down. Home Depot called me for an interview today too so we will see what happens. I don't even know where I would rather work. Home Depot would be handy for school projects but Linens N' Things might be good for presents. I dunno.

I still haven't talked to Jaan. I don't see him alone much. I am hoping Thurday I will get a chance to ask him. I just want to be like so you still interested in going to a movie sometime. It's a yes or no thing. If he says yes though what do I say then. Ask him when, suggest a time, ask what kind of movies he likes to watch. I HAVE NO IDEA PEOPLE!! I am doomed. I was doomed to fail at this from the beginning.

Updates to come I'm sure.

Boo

So much for that idea. He left after like an hour. I can't fucking win. I mean I guess I should have known it would be hard to talk to him there but I didn't think he would leave that early. Whatever. I'm too much of a creeper anyways. I am going to talk to him monday. After that I quit!

It will get better

So I have discovered that all of this emotion and inner turmoil I have been struggling with lately is tiring me out. I mean in the summer, when I am happy and doing things I love I can go forever. I don't need that much sleep and I am more myself. Why can't I be like that now, why can't I be myself? I think I am trying too hard to be every ones friend and to impress. I can't do that anymore. I need to figure out what's important and concentrate on that. I can't stand the headaches anymore, the crying, the retardedness. When have I ever been this bad? Can any of you say that I have been this down for such a long period of time before? I mean seriously being with you guys is the one time I have been really happy in the last month. It makes me realize how important you really are to me and I'm glad that you are here for me everyday, when I need you, and I am happy to be here for you too. I am happy that I am needed.

Spinning around in my car the other day really made me appreciate how lucky I am and how I have a chance to do something with my life. I'm healthy, I'm doing well in school, I have friends and family, so what's my problem. Carrie Underwood's song Jesus take the wheel is totally what I need to think about right now. I'm sorry for all the stupid things I may have done in the past, the pain I may have caused. I need to start making decisions, being active in my own life. I can't keep going like this, I'll die of regret and sadness.

I am going to make choice, I am going to act on those choices and I am going to make my life happy again. I like to keep busy and I am always tired of being alone and I can't keep spending all this time at school cause it is going to make me crazy and they always say guys find it more attractive when you have your own life and are ok with doing your own thing! Therefore I am getting another job. I'm not sure Ricky's was right for me so I am trying something else. I applied for a few places closer to home. I have an interview tomorrow morning at Linens n' Things. I think I would like it there. I am going to spend more time on my school work and get my grades up which should help if I wanna apply to a few places again. Spend less time in glass, because I am crazy and I think I have almost become a Taylor from the OC and stalking Jaan in a way. I mean I haven't gotten that far but it's almost ridiculous. Plus Dave is a bad influence on my studies, he's always like you don't need to go to class, oh you can write a paper the morning it's due. Maybe he can, but I can't and I need these grades, for my future and my pride. I need to know I am doing something right.

Lat of all I am going to ask Jaan out in person and get a straight answer. I can't wait not knowing anymore, always wondering. I mean sure he said yes in a way, but it's a lot easier to do with a text message just like it was easier for me to ask. Tomorrow when I see him, it's going to be straight up. If he says no then I'll be straight up and say ok just thought I would ask. If he says yes then I will ask if he wants to go next week sometime. Like I said take action in my own life. If he says no there isn't anything I can do about it. I understand when the feelings aren't returned, I've been on that end a few times. I just can't not know anymore. Plus Lana (this girl in second year glass) said she might know some people, I might actually take her up on that. And I haven't known her that long but we get along really well and she is such a nice person and bubbly you can't help but give her a chance. Who knows it could be fun right?? I need to give myself some credit, be more confident in who I am. I am who I am, there is a reason I know almost everyone in the glass department, I make conversation, I get in there and introduce myself. It hasn't done me any harm yet. I just need to be myself, because that is the person that you guys know, the person you love! Haha. Wish me luck, I may need it.

What a shitty day!

So I don't feel like elaborating much but I have to put it out there. If I say more I may start crying again. I was driving to school on 16th Ave. this morning and changing lanes I lost control of my car and was spinning. I was super lucky no one was around and I was able to get stopped and then get myself in the right direction and carry on. However it freaked the hell out of me and I have been in a weird mood all day because of it, and have broken into tears a few times. I was at a gallery for 3 hours for my class this afternoon and all I wanted to do was get out of there. I went down to glass after to help make mugs for a fundraising sale and I usually help a lot but I basically had nothing to do tonight. There were pairs of people and there wasn't much for me to help with. I am not sure why I stayed the whole time, but I did and I think it was a waste. It felt like no one even cared that I showed up to help, and that I couldn't, even though I am in that shop a hell of a lot more than a lot of people that were there tonight. So I just got even more pissed as the night went on and it isn't getting any better right now. Actually I think talking about it is making it worse. So anyhow, that was my retarded day and I still want to yell in Jaan's face. The end.

I totally agree

BLOG:
"Learning to accept yourself is key to learning how to accept another person. Once you look at the whole of your personality and accept those disparate parts, you'll find it ever so much easier to understand someone else."

EERRAAAHHHGRRRR

I am so frustrated with people, actually Jaan in particular. My title of this blog is exactly what I would like to scream in him face out of frustration. Why would he say yes if he planned on acting normal and totally ignore the situation. Actually I have to wonder if he is acting weird now... Grrrr. I hate men. They think we are complicated. HA! They are just as bad if not worse. Seriously. This is ridiculous. I am going to try and ask him in person tomorrow about it. If he doesn't answer or brushes it off that is it. I am done!!!! Lana, this 2nd year girl, said that she knows some guy friends if I am interested. I might take her up on it at this rate. I always get worked up about this stuff. Breath, breath, breath. It will be ok. It will.

Not Sure if I Like it or Hate it Here

I am constantly weighting the pros and cons of staying here in Calgary to go to school or trying to go back to Edmonton. I mean I thought I loved it here but now I am not so sure. Classes are pretty good but I have no idea what I want to do. Glass would be fun but seriously where would I get with that. Probably no where. And I’m still not sure that I really want to do glass for four years or if I just like hanging out and helping people. And really most of my good memories come from when I was in Edmonton with my friends and meeting people. I never go out here. I think I have been to the bar 3 times this entire year in Calgary. Personally I think that is sad. And it’s not even that I don’t want to it’s the fact that I really don’t know anyone to go with. Not like you guys. I hang out with the glass people, and I am becoming pretty good friends with them, but not good enough. I hang with them when it has to do with glass. Other then that they all have other lives, I don’t. I haven’t met many other people. I would love to go out with some of the people I know in other circumstances but I don’t know if they realize they are my only friends. I mean they will ask me what are you up to tonight, and I almost always say nothing. But that doesn’t seem to matter. They do their thing and very rarely am I invited to go with. Seriously I wouldn’t even care if I was hanging out with a bunch of guys right now. I usually do fine with them anyways. No one cares about me the way you guys do.

Actually now that I really think about it, I hate my life here. If I could move the program I am in at ACAD to Edmonton I would move back in a heartbeat. I like school here but that is the only reason why I am still here. I kind of wish I never met Jaan. It probably would have made this year so much easier for me socially. If I had the will power to stay away I would. But I can’t. And the only reason why I say that is because if I don’t hang out there and with them when I can I really would be a looser. I would be at home half the time and in class every other time and I wouldn’t go out at all and my life would be even sadder than it already is. EERRRRRR. I am so angry right now. They don’t care, no one does. I should have just left well enough alone. Why did I have to ask Jaan? Why did he have to answer and say yes. He doesn’t care. We probably will never go. I mean I might try and bring it up, but why bother. I wish I could just find a guy to make out with. I really would love to do that right now. Oh here is another thing. I have been thinking about calling Marco up lately and seeing if he wants to hang out because I hate my social life so much. He’s better than nothing. But I don’t want to resort to anything. :( I am not having a pointless relationship. I need to meet some random in a chat room and hang out with him. That would make my life more interesting.

What the hell is my problem? WHO AM I?????

Skipping PMS

So this week has been pretty shitty. Just me being frustrated with school and man have I been the moodiest person alive. I seriously randomly start crying for no reason, or about something soooo stupid. What is up with that. I'm not usually THAT bad. It's freakin' me out. I have determined that this weekend was the wrong one to ask Jaan out because it is not helping with the situation. In fact I think it is the underlying problem of it all. The only problem is I can't not see him but at the same time it makes me crazy. WHAT THE F-ING HELL!!! So yeah that is kind of making me angry. The point here is. I think I will pay the extra money that insurance won't cover just so I can skip my period so I do not have to deal with this crazy shit. NUTSO KIM ON THE LOOSE! Haha. That's pretty much it. Peace.

Solving my problems....

You know I don't know what I want. I never do. I'm not even sure I can describe who I am or what I want in my life. I'm not sure anymore. I think I am having a Summer moment from The OC. I really do need to find myself before I do anything else or make any decisions. I need to do well in school and I need to get somewhere in my life. I need to be in a place where I can be happy on my own with no one else before I can move on and truly be myself and find someone to be with. I just want some things to work out for me for once. Just to have a few things go right for awhile and just be happy with who I am. I dunno. I am so confused. I guess I just have to keep truckin' through school and hopefully the puzzle pieces will fall together.

Feeling: Sad :(

Short Lived

So much for my happiness. Seriously, my life is all over the fucking place. I mean I know I have a lot of good things but I seem to let the little things get to me and then I freak out. Especially right now. I fucking hate being a girl and pms. Sometimes I think life would be that much easier as a guy. I might as well be. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I hate being angry. I hate being upset. I hate being me. I'm crying like a baby for no reason. WHAT IS THIS??? Why does life have to be so complicated. ANGER HATE VOLATILE EMOTION!!!! I just wanna someone to love me for me. To hold me and tell me it will all be ok. I hate not knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing. I make too many choices on emotion and chance. I need a plan. And I need to stick to that plan. I don't know what I need. Sometimes I hate people. I wish everything could be more obvious. I know it would take away all of the fun. WHATEVER. It would make life that much easier sometimes too and maybe I wouldn't end up like this and talking like a psycho crazy person. I'm going to stop now. Nothing makes sense.

HAPPY FOR ONCE

Good things do happen to me sometimes. This weekend was a really good weekend. Friday was stressful because of Photography and I just found out that my moms memory card is missing which means I must have left it at school which is NOT GOOD. It is like $150. So if I lost it she is going to kill me. KILL!! I am so hoping it is there. Cross your fingers for me!

Anyhow, the drive to Edmonton was smooth Friday and the dinner was good too. It was fun to just sit and chat with my girls. Me and Dani went shopping Saturday which is always fun. I spent too much money again but that happens a lot. It's too bad Dani didn't find what she wanted. No one had anything. Anyhow, the best part was our pita pizzas and wine drinking before we went to Cook County. It was suck a good time. Good fun with alcohol. Anyways, it was a crazy rush to the cab and getting in to Cook but once we got in it was a good time. Dancing and drinking and such. Once it got busy we randomly lost each other a few times. We decided to leave but the coat check line was crazy and it took us like another hour to get out of there. So stupid. But walking home was good to get some air, and munchies. Me and Alie talked for awhile when we got home and then went to bed by like 3.

Oh and I sent Jaan a text message asking him out. I know its kinda cheesy but I wouldn't have done it any other way. But man am I glad I did. I mean he didn't send me one back last night and I was like he won't.... he doesn't like me. But I was wrong. This afternoon when I was packing up my stuff and me and Dani were chatting he sent me one back. I was like oh god it's him. I didn't want to read it. But I did of course. And guess what, he said YES! Oh my god I wanted to jump for joy. I am pretty sure I squealed a bit. He said sorry for not getting back cause he was in Lethbridge out partying but that he would like to chill and see a movie sometime or something. I am soooo happy right now. Even if he ends up not going anywhere. I have a chance now, I opened the door. YAY!! So anyways I am excited to see him again but at the same time I am like OMG I have to act normal still. Haha. Crazy mind, don't mind me.

So yeah today was good too. Ate McDonald's breakfast. It was yummy. Hung out with Leanne at Chapters. Went back to the house and chatted and then I unfortunately I had to leave. The drive home was pretty uneventful though. I am still having issues with my computer and then there is the memory card thing. Edmonton is apparently a luckier place for me or something, or I am more myself.

Should be an interesting week....

Confused

I have no idea what I want to do in life for a career. I mean I came her to do design because I liked it in High school and I thought I wanted to be an architect. Now I'm not so sure. I mean Coming to ACAD has been a real eye opener but at the same time has confused me and thrown me back into the I have no idea what I want to do with my life pot.

I mean I loved glass blowing. It is one of the best things I have ever done. I have a lot of fun doing it and I have learned a lot. But it is really hard to make a career for yourself as any kind of artist. However I would be getting and undergrad degree but what could I go into after with an undergrad in glass???

My other choice is Photography. I am taking that this semester and so far it is really cool. I think I could have a lot of fun with that and I could actually make a living at that. I think I am going to see how the rest of this semester goes, although I need to put my applications in before the end of the semester, which I think I am going to do anyways and then wait to see what happens.

So here is the plan. I am going to apply to the design program in Edmonton again because I still think it would be a good thing, even though next year will be your guys last year there, I miss you so much and who knows you might stay in E-town for awhile right? I am going to also apply for the Photography program here because I don't know if I want to take Visual Communications. I don't know for sure yet but if I get into the program in Edmonton I will probably come back because I think it is my best bet for being happy in life and making decent money at it. If I don't I might go into Photography here and major in that. However if both fall through which is possible, because I am not getting my hopes up, then I will just continue on here doing a Bachelor of Art and majoring in Glass. Then I will go from there I guess.

You know those surveys that ask where will you be in 10 years. Lets just put it this way, I hope to be making money and have kids, but truthfully at this rate I have no freakin' clue!

This Semester

So this semester sounds like it's going to be pretty for me. Plus everyone always wants a social life not that I have much of one here. But I am planning on getting a job too which takes up more time and then I want to go to Edmonton a few times, I promised Ash I would go to Saskatoon this one weekend and then I wanted to go to Lethbridge to see Jason too. But who knows what will happen with all of that. I guess it's better to be busy than to be bored. Can't wait to see you chickies. Later.

Blog

Even my blog is bugging me about relationships. Read this:

Forget tentative baby steps on your love path -- now's the time for giant leaps, bold moves and (why not?) shakin' what your mama gave you while you're at it. You're hot, so get some sweet stuff started.

Haha, I think it is agreeing with you guys. Kinda freaky. Just thought I would point that out.

Chicken Shit

I am the biggest chicken shit and failure on the face of this planet. I don't even have enough self confidence to go and ask someone out because I am constantly thinking why would anyone want me. Nothing is ever going to change. This is the way it is. I don't like the people that like me and the people I like don't like me back. Anyone I have ever liked, in junior high, high school, University, they are all out of my league. Who do I think I am. Maybe I am trying to fit into a lifestyle instead of being happy as I am. I dunno. All I know is that I try to be happy with what I have but I always seem to find something wrong. Is nothing good enough or am I just un-accepting of my life and what it is.

I am so scared that he isn't going to like me or that I will mess up the friendship that we have developed that I can't even ask him out. Why couldn't it be the way it is now after, even if he says no. I mean he isn't the only person I talk to. I have made friends with almost all of the 4th years, most of the 3rd years and a bunch of the second years. So what is my problem. I couldn't tell you because I don't even understand my thoughts or irrational thinking. Am I crazy??? I think so. I wish I could just bury myself in a hole and just avoid people, maybe it would make my life that much easier.

The only way this is going to get done is if I just walk up to him and say it straight up or send him a text message. But how lame is it to send a text message. If I can't even talk to the dude in person how well would the whole situation work out anyways. FUCK I HATE MY BRAIN AND ALL THOUGHT!!!

So here is the deal. If you don't hear anything by Monday I haven't done it and probably never will. So that's it. The whole situation is going to be over. We won't talk about it ever again. I will do my school work, and get a job to occupy my time and fly through this semester like it never happened. The end. Done, finished, finito. That's it.

Not Today

So I didn't do it today guys. So I guess Friday it is. I saw him today but there was always lots of people around. So thats that. I am still starting to wonder if he likes me at all. But like Ali said I won't know unless I ask. And this way I can get on with it or let it go. He better go for drinks Friday like they talked about last week otherwise I might be screwed.

Easier Said Then Done

So this whole thing with Jaan, everyone I talk to is like just ask him out. If he says no it's no big deal. But like my blog title says, easier said than done. Dylan and Marco are telling me to ask him out. I know, but I can't. I don't know why. I have been thinking about it and I believe the problem is I don't want to know the answer. It would be a lot easier if I knew that he liked me back but I don't. Part of it is me lacking confidence in myself that anyone could like me of all people. But the thought that is going through my head is this. If he says no then I know for sure that he doesn't like me and that just sucks and I'm not sure how I will react and the other side is saying if he says yes then I have no idea what I am going to do. I've never really gone a date with a dude except Jeremy in grade 10, which I don't hold very high. Its such foreign territory. And I mean I will have to enter that territory sometime if I ever want to date or have a husband, but I'm scared. AAAHHHHHH. Like I said I just make it WAY too complicated. Wow I really am retarded. Don't mind me.

terrible flirt

So I have discovered that I really am not very good at flirting. I try but I get nervous, or somehow I just fuck it up. Like the other day. Jaan had ashes on his face so I told him. He gave me and opportunity to brush them off and I could have easily done it but I was like oh crap so I end up just poking him in the face. Stupid! Haha. I need to learn to chill. I think that is the majority of my problem. BE STRONG!!

stupid horoscope

So my horoscope tells me that I need to take a proactive approach to my love life. Thanks for that little tip. I have pretty much realized that now considering I am still alone. But I really have no idea how I am supposed to do that, so whatever. Grrr.

long time

This is probably one of the longest periods of time that I have gone without writing a blog. I'm not really sure why, maybe because I was petty busy during the holidays but mostly I think it's because I didn't care to. I'm not really sure what I have to say that hasn't been said before or that anyone may care to here. Not that it really matters because a blog is really for me to vent but I guess I didn't have much to vent about. Hmm.... Anyhow, I am writing now because I am frustrated and I guess it is a good way of helping me deal with my thoughts.

First off I have no life. I really need to make some friends here in Calgary because on a Saturday night, the last one before school starts no less, I am at home, on my computer, writing a blog. Not cool. I am tired of being alone. No one is here in my big empty house either. Even my parents are out. God I hate being in this city sometimes. For the very reason that I really have no one to hang out with, and I can only be at school for so much. EEEEERRRRRRR. I really don't know why I am angry about this. No that's a lie, I have an idea but it's really stupid too.

Leanne I am beginning to think you are right about the Jaan situation and him being out of a serious relationship and what not. I dunno. I am pretty sure they aren't dating anymore only because he was talking about being at the bar last night and dancing with some girls and being pissed that one of his friends went home with one of them. Either he is a big cheat or he no longer has a girlfriend. I can't really be sure.

Anyhow, he asked me what I was doing tonight, and I told him that I wasn't doing anything so he mentioned that he was probably going out with some friends and said I could come if I want. So just before he left the school he got my cell number and said he would let me know when they figured out where they were going. I have no idea if he will actually call. And I know that I would love to go, because it's Jaan, but there is always the factoring of disappointment. Knowin my luck I would be standing/dancing my myself at some point. See, that is another reason I hate being alone because all I do is think, and I think to much, and over analyze and it just fucks with the brain!!

I DON'T KNOW!! If he calls I am so going though because I am not giving up on having fun and coping out because I'm scared. Done deal.

Anyways, hope you ladies are having a good night and a lovely weekend and good luck with school Monday!