Skipping PMS

So this week has been pretty shitty. Just me being frustrated with school and man have I been the moodiest person alive. I seriously randomly start crying for no reason, or about something soooo stupid. What is up with that. I'm not usually THAT bad. It's freakin' me out. I have determined that this weekend was the wrong one to ask Jaan out because it is not helping with the situation. In fact I think it is the underlying problem of it all. The only problem is I can't not see him but at the same time it makes me crazy. WHAT THE F-ING HELL!!! So yeah that is kind of making me angry. The point here is. I think I will pay the extra money that insurance won't cover just so I can skip my period so I do not have to deal with this crazy shit. NUTSO KIM ON THE LOOSE! Haha. That's pretty much it. Peace.

Solving my problems....

You know I don't know what I want. I never do. I'm not even sure I can describe who I am or what I want in my life. I'm not sure anymore. I think I am having a Summer moment from The OC. I really do need to find myself before I do anything else or make any decisions. I need to do well in school and I need to get somewhere in my life. I need to be in a place where I can be happy on my own with no one else before I can move on and truly be myself and find someone to be with. I just want some things to work out for me for once. Just to have a few things go right for awhile and just be happy with who I am. I dunno. I am so confused. I guess I just have to keep truckin' through school and hopefully the puzzle pieces will fall together.

Feeling: Sad :(

Short Lived

So much for my happiness. Seriously, my life is all over the fucking place. I mean I know I have a lot of good things but I seem to let the little things get to me and then I freak out. Especially right now. I fucking hate being a girl and pms. Sometimes I think life would be that much easier as a guy. I might as well be. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I hate being angry. I hate being upset. I hate being me. I'm crying like a baby for no reason. WHAT IS THIS??? Why does life have to be so complicated. ANGER HATE VOLATILE EMOTION!!!! I just wanna someone to love me for me. To hold me and tell me it will all be ok. I hate not knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing. I make too many choices on emotion and chance. I need a plan. And I need to stick to that plan. I don't know what I need. Sometimes I hate people. I wish everything could be more obvious. I know it would take away all of the fun. WHATEVER. It would make life that much easier sometimes too and maybe I wouldn't end up like this and talking like a psycho crazy person. I'm going to stop now. Nothing makes sense.

HAPPY FOR ONCE

Good things do happen to me sometimes. This weekend was a really good weekend. Friday was stressful because of Photography and I just found out that my moms memory card is missing which means I must have left it at school which is NOT GOOD. It is like $150. So if I lost it she is going to kill me. KILL!! I am so hoping it is there. Cross your fingers for me!

Anyhow, the drive to Edmonton was smooth Friday and the dinner was good too. It was fun to just sit and chat with my girls. Me and Dani went shopping Saturday which is always fun. I spent too much money again but that happens a lot. It's too bad Dani didn't find what she wanted. No one had anything. Anyhow, the best part was our pita pizzas and wine drinking before we went to Cook County. It was suck a good time. Good fun with alcohol. Anyways, it was a crazy rush to the cab and getting in to Cook but once we got in it was a good time. Dancing and drinking and such. Once it got busy we randomly lost each other a few times. We decided to leave but the coat check line was crazy and it took us like another hour to get out of there. So stupid. But walking home was good to get some air, and munchies. Me and Alie talked for awhile when we got home and then went to bed by like 3.

Oh and I sent Jaan a text message asking him out. I know its kinda cheesy but I wouldn't have done it any other way. But man am I glad I did. I mean he didn't send me one back last night and I was like he won't.... he doesn't like me. But I was wrong. This afternoon when I was packing up my stuff and me and Dani were chatting he sent me one back. I was like oh god it's him. I didn't want to read it. But I did of course. And guess what, he said YES! Oh my god I wanted to jump for joy. I am pretty sure I squealed a bit. He said sorry for not getting back cause he was in Lethbridge out partying but that he would like to chill and see a movie sometime or something. I am soooo happy right now. Even if he ends up not going anywhere. I have a chance now, I opened the door. YAY!! So anyways I am excited to see him again but at the same time I am like OMG I have to act normal still. Haha. Crazy mind, don't mind me.

So yeah today was good too. Ate McDonald's breakfast. It was yummy. Hung out with Leanne at Chapters. Went back to the house and chatted and then I unfortunately I had to leave. The drive home was pretty uneventful though. I am still having issues with my computer and then there is the memory card thing. Edmonton is apparently a luckier place for me or something, or I am more myself.

Should be an interesting week....

Confused

I have no idea what I want to do in life for a career. I mean I came her to do design because I liked it in High school and I thought I wanted to be an architect. Now I'm not so sure. I mean Coming to ACAD has been a real eye opener but at the same time has confused me and thrown me back into the I have no idea what I want to do with my life pot.

I mean I loved glass blowing. It is one of the best things I have ever done. I have a lot of fun doing it and I have learned a lot. But it is really hard to make a career for yourself as any kind of artist. However I would be getting and undergrad degree but what could I go into after with an undergrad in glass???

My other choice is Photography. I am taking that this semester and so far it is really cool. I think I could have a lot of fun with that and I could actually make a living at that. I think I am going to see how the rest of this semester goes, although I need to put my applications in before the end of the semester, which I think I am going to do anyways and then wait to see what happens.

So here is the plan. I am going to apply to the design program in Edmonton again because I still think it would be a good thing, even though next year will be your guys last year there, I miss you so much and who knows you might stay in E-town for awhile right? I am going to also apply for the Photography program here because I don't know if I want to take Visual Communications. I don't know for sure yet but if I get into the program in Edmonton I will probably come back because I think it is my best bet for being happy in life and making decent money at it. If I don't I might go into Photography here and major in that. However if both fall through which is possible, because I am not getting my hopes up, then I will just continue on here doing a Bachelor of Art and majoring in Glass. Then I will go from there I guess.

You know those surveys that ask where will you be in 10 years. Lets just put it this way, I hope to be making money and have kids, but truthfully at this rate I have no freakin' clue!

This Semester

So this semester sounds like it's going to be pretty for me. Plus everyone always wants a social life not that I have much of one here. But I am planning on getting a job too which takes up more time and then I want to go to Edmonton a few times, I promised Ash I would go to Saskatoon this one weekend and then I wanted to go to Lethbridge to see Jason too. But who knows what will happen with all of that. I guess it's better to be busy than to be bored. Can't wait to see you chickies. Later.

Blog

Even my blog is bugging me about relationships. Read this:

Forget tentative baby steps on your love path -- now's the time for giant leaps, bold moves and (why not?) shakin' what your mama gave you while you're at it. You're hot, so get some sweet stuff started.

Haha, I think it is agreeing with you guys. Kinda freaky. Just thought I would point that out.

Chicken Shit

I am the biggest chicken shit and failure on the face of this planet. I don't even have enough self confidence to go and ask someone out because I am constantly thinking why would anyone want me. Nothing is ever going to change. This is the way it is. I don't like the people that like me and the people I like don't like me back. Anyone I have ever liked, in junior high, high school, University, they are all out of my league. Who do I think I am. Maybe I am trying to fit into a lifestyle instead of being happy as I am. I dunno. All I know is that I try to be happy with what I have but I always seem to find something wrong. Is nothing good enough or am I just un-accepting of my life and what it is.

I am so scared that he isn't going to like me or that I will mess up the friendship that we have developed that I can't even ask him out. Why couldn't it be the way it is now after, even if he says no. I mean he isn't the only person I talk to. I have made friends with almost all of the 4th years, most of the 3rd years and a bunch of the second years. So what is my problem. I couldn't tell you because I don't even understand my thoughts or irrational thinking. Am I crazy??? I think so. I wish I could just bury myself in a hole and just avoid people, maybe it would make my life that much easier.

The only way this is going to get done is if I just walk up to him and say it straight up or send him a text message. But how lame is it to send a text message. If I can't even talk to the dude in person how well would the whole situation work out anyways. FUCK I HATE MY BRAIN AND ALL THOUGHT!!!

So here is the deal. If you don't hear anything by Monday I haven't done it and probably never will. So that's it. The whole situation is going to be over. We won't talk about it ever again. I will do my school work, and get a job to occupy my time and fly through this semester like it never happened. The end. Done, finished, finito. That's it.

Not Today

So I didn't do it today guys. So I guess Friday it is. I saw him today but there was always lots of people around. So thats that. I am still starting to wonder if he likes me at all. But like Ali said I won't know unless I ask. And this way I can get on with it or let it go. He better go for drinks Friday like they talked about last week otherwise I might be screwed.

Easier Said Then Done

So this whole thing with Jaan, everyone I talk to is like just ask him out. If he says no it's no big deal. But like my blog title says, easier said than done. Dylan and Marco are telling me to ask him out. I know, but I can't. I don't know why. I have been thinking about it and I believe the problem is I don't want to know the answer. It would be a lot easier if I knew that he liked me back but I don't. Part of it is me lacking confidence in myself that anyone could like me of all people. But the thought that is going through my head is this. If he says no then I know for sure that he doesn't like me and that just sucks and I'm not sure how I will react and the other side is saying if he says yes then I have no idea what I am going to do. I've never really gone a date with a dude except Jeremy in grade 10, which I don't hold very high. Its such foreign territory. And I mean I will have to enter that territory sometime if I ever want to date or have a husband, but I'm scared. AAAHHHHHH. Like I said I just make it WAY too complicated. Wow I really am retarded. Don't mind me.

terrible flirt

So I have discovered that I really am not very good at flirting. I try but I get nervous, or somehow I just fuck it up. Like the other day. Jaan had ashes on his face so I told him. He gave me and opportunity to brush them off and I could have easily done it but I was like oh crap so I end up just poking him in the face. Stupid! Haha. I need to learn to chill. I think that is the majority of my problem. BE STRONG!!

stupid horoscope

So my horoscope tells me that I need to take a proactive approach to my love life. Thanks for that little tip. I have pretty much realized that now considering I am still alone. But I really have no idea how I am supposed to do that, so whatever. Grrr.

long time

This is probably one of the longest periods of time that I have gone without writing a blog. I'm not really sure why, maybe because I was petty busy during the holidays but mostly I think it's because I didn't care to. I'm not really sure what I have to say that hasn't been said before or that anyone may care to here. Not that it really matters because a blog is really for me to vent but I guess I didn't have much to vent about. Hmm.... Anyhow, I am writing now because I am frustrated and I guess it is a good way of helping me deal with my thoughts.

First off I have no life. I really need to make some friends here in Calgary because on a Saturday night, the last one before school starts no less, I am at home, on my computer, writing a blog. Not cool. I am tired of being alone. No one is here in my big empty house either. Even my parents are out. God I hate being in this city sometimes. For the very reason that I really have no one to hang out with, and I can only be at school for so much. EEEEERRRRRRR. I really don't know why I am angry about this. No that's a lie, I have an idea but it's really stupid too.

Leanne I am beginning to think you are right about the Jaan situation and him being out of a serious relationship and what not. I dunno. I am pretty sure they aren't dating anymore only because he was talking about being at the bar last night and dancing with some girls and being pissed that one of his friends went home with one of them. Either he is a big cheat or he no longer has a girlfriend. I can't really be sure.

Anyhow, he asked me what I was doing tonight, and I told him that I wasn't doing anything so he mentioned that he was probably going out with some friends and said I could come if I want. So just before he left the school he got my cell number and said he would let me know when they figured out where they were going. I have no idea if he will actually call. And I know that I would love to go, because it's Jaan, but there is always the factoring of disappointment. Knowin my luck I would be standing/dancing my myself at some point. See, that is another reason I hate being alone because all I do is think, and I think to much, and over analyze and it just fucks with the brain!!

I DON'T KNOW!! If he calls I am so going though because I am not giving up on having fun and coping out because I'm scared. Done deal.

Anyways, hope you ladies are having a good night and a lovely weekend and good luck with school Monday!

Almost done first semester at ACAD

So I had my two written finals yesterday. Art History was average. I'd say I got a 75%. Humanities wasn't too bad either I guess. Maybe the same as Art History. At least they are over now though. I have my glass critique Friday. I just finished one project but I still have another to do. Monday is my Drawing crit. I have to redue a few drawings for that one. I think this is going to be a busy weekend. Anyway, I am glad I am almost done. It wasn't too bad at all. Next semester is going to be a little more difficult however. So we shall see. Good luck with all your exams guys!

Essays = boo earns

So I hate essays and I am really terrible at them. I mean I did ok on my art history one but he gave us a lot of the information we needed to know and I did my research so I found it pretty easy to write. This essay however, sucks! I mean I know about the gender issues in the past and woman's lack or rights but it still sucks. We have to watch a movie, which I did, Pride and Prejudice and write about it in the viewpoint of one of the authors that we read about this semester. Well this lady that I am writing as is a feminist so you would think it would be easy. It doesn't seem to be. Do you realize how hard it is to write as another person? You are talking about their values and views on society. I mean how the hell am I supposed to know? It is coming along, but it won't be the best thing I have ever written. Plus I still have to study for my 2 finals which are just as important as this essay. Oh well. The craziness will end soon. Peace.

school, life, whatever comes my way

So I got my art history paper back on Tuesday and I killed it! I did really well and I am very proud of myself. So hopefully I will do ok on the final and then come out of the class with like a B. That would be nice. Humanities I don't know what is happening. I still have a lot to study for and I still haven't started my paper and I have class all day tomorrow and I work Saturday and I have class all day Monday and then it's due Tuesday, so I think I can say I fucked myself over, but that's my problem. Oh and I have a drawing I should do in there too but I don't know if I will have the time. We shall see. But class is getting to the point where it is almost over. After next Tuesday I am home free I think.

On another note, I am SOOOO excited that I am getting my tattoo. 2 weeks from today. Should be awesome. I'm not worried about it at all so I figure thats a good sign. I should come with you guys when you get your piercings done just cause I think it would be cool. Depends on when you get them I guess.

Not too much else is new. I have realized that I am going to be bored during my break and that I will for sure need to spend time with you guys cause I can't come to the school after the 22nd and thats like all I ever do. It's sad. Haha. Dani we should go see a movie when you get home.

Oh and I still have x-mas shopping to do, but I'm not too worried about it. It will have to wait till next week thats for sure.

I think that's it. I really don't have much to say. Hope you are having a good day. Later girls.

XOXO

back in the fast lane...

This year has been going not to bad. School has been pretty good and and not too stressful and I have fun every once and awhile. But I have discovered that I have a lot going on in the next few weeks and I have a feeling I'm going to freak. I have had class as usual this week. However, I was at school almost all day yesterday working on some of my glass pieces to finish them. Then we went to the musical Aladdin which was nothing like the Disney movie but very funny. Today I have to catch up on some of school work. Tonight we are going to zoo lights. Tomorrow I have class then I am helping Britt make Christmas balls because she needs someone to assist and she said she would pay me. Then I am going out with my sis to this pub for this guy Erik's b-day. Then I am coming to see you girls on the weekend. Then in the next couple of weeks I have my finals, an essay due, a final Glass crit which I have no idea what I am going to do for my project and my drawing crit.

It's going to be crazy. Oh and my work Christmas party is somewhere in there too if I decide to go in on it. And then there is shopping for x-mas gifts which I haven't even started looking for yet. It will be nice when x-mas break rolls around, although I am sure I will keep myself busy then too. I am actually scared that my manager is going to decide to book me a whole bunch and I don't think I want to or that I will have the time. So I have been thinking about quiting. Because he was like news years day morning is really busy and he needs a lot of people to work. I don't want to work new years day. I dunno. Am I being selfish?

So I am getting my tattoo. It's official. I booked my appointment and put a $60 deposit down. So unless I want to loose $60 bucks for nothing I'm getting it. December 21st!! It's exciting but I am scared too. You know me, always questioning my decisions and scared of all the actions I take. My dad is going to hate me. That part will be shitty. But I trully feel that if I am going to get one this is the time in my life I should get one. I'm in art school, I don't really know where my life is headed and I'm still a bit of a kid and I feel like I can be reckless now because I might not be a few years from now.

Mind is all over the place as usual....

mixed emotions

I can't seem to keep myself on a constant lately. You know it's weird, ever since I have been home that's when so much seems confusing to me. Being with you guys kept me on some sort of straight path and when I came home I hit some Saskatchewan road and I was in trouble. I mean it's not that it's bad here, because there are a lot of good things, it's just that I miss you guys, and having girlfriends and someone to talk to. I realized today that I basically have no one to talk to in person here that I trust and feel comfortable with other than my sister. And sometimes things go beyond a sisters understanding or interest. I miss my best friends :'( . I am definitely thinking it would be wise to quit my job just so I can come to Edmonton more because I need someone.

This is one of those times when I MISS YOU ALL SOOOO MUCH!!

Anyways, the many things toying with my emotions right now fall under the following:

Bad Things: guys, school, no friends, work, unknown future, and my body.

Good Things: guys, school (glass blowing specifically), getting a tattoo, making money, and my hair (I love my hair right now haha)

I wish I could learn how to go with the flow and enjoy.

Mini story. We (meaning my sis and I) were telling my mom today about going to a tattoo place today to check it out. Well she asked for who. I said all of us (our family friend Matt was there as well). And all she said was your getting another one (which was obviously directed at my sister who is going to have 3 soon). She didn't even acknowledge the fact that I am getting one at all. So I don't know if she knew it was going to happen or if she missed the point. We shall see.

Went to Regina this last weekend and it was the most uneventful weekend of my life. We left at like 8 pm Friday night. It's an 8 hour drive. Usually I sleep but I was up for at least the first 6 maybe 7 hours. I watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Swim Fan and watched my sister play Sim's most of the way. Once we arrived in Regina at 4 am we went to bed and got up at 9 to go see my grandpa. We spent all day in his tiny apartment except for a very short shopping trip that was unsuccessful because a lot of things were closed for the holiday. I slept probably half of the time I was there on his floor. Then we went back to our hotel and I began to watch Harry Potter. Got up the next morning and went to visit grandpa again. We were there for probably 4 hours and once again I probably slept for half of it. I also finished watching Harry Potter. Then we left for home. The 8 hour trip home was once again uneventful. I slept, watched Mulan 2, and contemplated life the whole way home. Monday was the most interesting day of the whole weekend and guess what guys, I spent a good portion of it at school in the Hot Shop (glass blowing well watching), and writing my Art History paper which turned out not too bad I think.

So yeah that should catch you up for awhile. Hope to see you all in a few weeks if I can make it up to Edmonton. Lots of love.

Today was one of the good days

The Goo Goo Dolls concert was awesome tonight. They were so good and it was nice to see Kait and it made me happy. I was at school for most of the afternoon which was also good. Being at school makes me happy. Being with other students and working in the glass department. I think thats why I want to major in it because it makes me happy and that's what I want for my life. Plus the awesome people in that department help. Today was the 4th years class so I saw them working and I got to see one of their demos which was super cool. It's almost like and addiction for me now... Haha. I'm kinda sad that friday is going to be the last christmas ball blowing night though. I have been to them all and I can only stay for part of this one and they are going out after which sucks cause I am going to miss the social part. The one time they are going for drinks and I can't go. :( Oh well. Regina her I come. Hope you all have an awesome weekend!

sad, pathetic life

So I went out Tuesday for Halloween and had an awesome good time and somehow got drunk (obviously people were buying me drinks) on $15. It was sweet. I danced and chilled and it was sooo nice to just get out and have a life. I got the pictures back today too and they are awesome. So many randoms that I will probably never see again. Actually kinda funny. Although I didn't make out with anyone, just random pictures. Haha. But anyways, really that has been the extent of my social life for this semester.

Dave said something about not having a social life when you are in art school. I was thinking about what he said and I'm like you have a social life, what are you talking about. It may be with some of the people you go to school with but I can guarantee they have been out a lot more than me this semester and they do have a social life. Me on the other hand, with you guys not here, I don't really have one. Seriously for me it's either work, home or school. And my life is so sad that I get bored and go shopping because I have nothing better to do with my time. Do you realize how depressing that is. And on another note, most of the glass department anyways has a significant other, I don't. Also included in a social life. I would love to tell him that. But I won't.

You know I think the worst part is, I still like Jaan. It's not that easy for me this time. I can't seem to let it go. And that sucks even more cause I can't do anything about it and I wish that I had more of a social life because that would distract me and possibly attract me to another person who is actually available. This is one of those times when I wonder what if.... I had say hung out with Chris more often or went out when Woz would call me drunk. But then I think it wasn't right at the time why would it make life better now. I have serious issues people. And I still have to write an Art History paper due in just over a week and I am going to be in Regina next weekend which shoots down my time period to write it and I still have no idea what I am even writing on. I'm fucked. I think I have allowed myself to fall behind thinking I was ok and now I'm screwed.

I will probably apply for U of A again for next year but I can't see myself getting in and then I will probably apply for design at ACAD but they only take so many as well and EVERYONE in first year seems to want to get in design, shot down again and even my idea of majoring in glass blowing might have a hole in it cause they only take so many people and having a good GPA helps you get in. I'm seriously fucked. What the hell am I going to do???? Having to deal with this sucks. And it totally doesn't help that I am PMSing because my emotions are all over the place as usual. Fuck, that's all I have to say at the moment. Hope all your lives are currently better then mine! Love you.